Niles dumps his top-notch lawyers for a down and dirty scrapper when Maris moves to postpone their settlement. Niles fears Frasier's compulsive truthfulness might hurt his case.
Dr. Frasier Crane
Daphne Moon Crane
Dr. Niles Crane
Robert "Bulldog" Briscoe (seasons 4 - 6, recurring otherwise)
Niles: Maris has won. Maris always wins.
Martin: Niles ...
Niles: Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That's why Niles lives at the "Shangri-La" and drives a hatchback!
(Niles discovers the source of his wife's family fortune)
Niles: Urinal cakes? I don't believe this! All these years, the doyenne of Seattle's elite looking down her nose at everyone in sight, she owes it all to this. She's managed to have her urinal cake and eat it too!
Niles: I still can't believe this is all over. And I never dreamed I'd get a settlement like that! I'll be able to get my whole life back — my apartment, my car! And I owe it all to one amazing man.
Frasier: Well, thank you, Niles, but I can't take all the credit. (laughs) I know, you're thinking of Donny.
Niles: Well, don't think I'm not grateful for all you did.
Frasier: You know, actually, to tell the truth, if it hadn't been for me badgering you to change your lawyers, Donny Douglas never would have come into your life.
(At this point Donny literally comes into Niles's life when he walks in on the arm of our Daphne. They sit at the window booth. Niles doesn't see)
Frasier: Of course, we mustn't forget Roz's part in all of this.
Niles: Waiter! (to Frasier) Who understands why anything happens? I mean, it's remarkable how completely one's life can change in an instant—
(He turns to gesture to the waiter and sees Donny and Daphne kissing.)
Frasier: Oh, Niles...
(Niles solemnly gets up to greet them. Frasier, unsure of what he's going to do, gets up and follows him.
Niles: Hi, you two.
Donny: (noticing him) Oh, hello!
Daphne: Congratulations, Dr. Crane. I'm so happy for you.
Niles: Thank you, Daphne.
Frasier: Well, what are you two doing here together?
(They overlap each other as they explain)
Donny: Oh well, you know, we talked—
Daphne: Oh well, after we worked on the deposition—
Donny: We got a little hungry—
Daphne: He took me out to dinner—
Donny: Too much wine—
Daphne: And we talked—
Donny: And we laughed a little—
Daphne: (laughs) Look at us, we sound like an old married couple!
(Niles's face shows that those last words have pierced his chest like a hot poker. Daphne doesn't notice, then Donny drives it home)
Donny: I know. You know, Frasier, if you hadn't brought Niles to the office, then, ah, none of this would have happened. I guess I owe you one.
Frasier: Well, we mustn't forget Roz's part in all this!
(Donny smells Daphne's hair.)
Donny: That scent is wonderful. What is it?
(Daphne doesn't know, but Niles does. He walks away with a sad look on his face which transforms the feeling of the episode totally to melancholy mode)
Niles: (to himself; wonderfully acted by DHP, simple in a sad sort of way) Cherry bark and almonds.
(Niles goes to his chair and sits down with a miserable look on his face. Frasier consoles him and places a hand on his shoulder)
(Niles is under the piano looking all at the dust)
Niles: My god, doesn't your vacuum come with attachments?
Donny: (On the phone with Maris' lawyer) We're talking big numbers here Whalen. You haven't seen this many zeroes lined up since Mr. Spock had a book signing!
Martin: Let me tell you something. One time when I was on the force, I saw a guy shoot somebody. When we caught him, I started to read him his rights, but he slipped out of his cuffs and he swung at me so I didn't get a chance to finish. Two months later, I'm on the stand, and his lawyer asks me if I'd read his rights in full. Now, if I say no this guy walks, and this guy has been in and out of jail all his life - he could have read ME his rights! So I say, "Yes, I did. I read them in full." I lied under oath. Now you might think that I did an unethical thing but there's not a doubt in my mind that I did the RIGHT thing!
Niles: She's calling me wasteful?! Do you recall what she used to do when one of our dogs needed a shampoo?
Frasier: Yes, she'd fill the bath tub with Evian!
Niles: Half the time she'd just get a new dog!
Saul Rubinek makes his debut appearance as Donny Douglas.
(Donny Douglas has been changing for court in front of Frasier and Niles, and is now in a towel and on the phone to Maris' attorneys)
Frasier: (aside to Niles) I'm sorry, this is exactly what you want in a lawyer -- someone who's not afraid to show a little moxie.
Niles: (disgusted by Donny's state of undress) Oh, he's an inch away from showing us the full moxie.
This alludes to the 1997 movie The Full Monty about six unemployed steel workers who form a male striptease act; the "full Monty" meaning complete nudity. Of course, the term originally referred to WWII British Field Marshall Bernard Law Montgomery, and the "full Monty" meant his throwing everything he had at the enemy.
Title Card: Inherit The Long-Winded
Title parody of the 1960 movie Inherit the Wind about the celebrated 1925 "Scopes Monkey Trial", starring Spencer Tracy and Fredric March.
Title: To Tell The Truth
This was the title of a very popular television panel show which was on television in five separate decades starting in 1956. It was hosted by a variety of personalities, most notably Garry Moore from 1969 to 1977.
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