Free Agents

Season 1 Episode 1

Episode 1

Aired Friday 10:00 PM Feb 13, 2009 on Channel 4



  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Alex: I love you.
      Helen: What? What did you say?
      Alex: I said, I love you.
      Helen: No you don't.
      Alex: I didn't say it to you.
      Helen: Really? That's funny. I don't remember this being a threesome.
      Alex: I was speaking to my kids.
      Helen: Stop this! What do you want me to say to them, for God's sake? Sorry boys, you don't know me but I've just had sex with your daddy?
      Alex: Yeah. They're not on the phone. I was talking to their picture.

    • Helen: You are so fucking sad.
      Alex: Yes, I am. Also broke, homeless and about as sexually sophisticated as a 15 year old born again christian. Any chance of a shag?

    • Helen: It's alright you know, your life's falling apart. You're allowed to scream and shout a bit.
      Alex: Oh, thanks. You were right, though. I'm not ready for a relationship. Not fit to exchange bodily fluids on a regular basis with another human being.

    • Stephen: (to Alex) You know what I'd do? Go and see the mother of your children and ask for her forgiveness. Admit it was all a terrible mistake and beg her to let you come home to the family. That way you can buy yourself a few weeks of happier home humping, plus the time to sort yourself out a new flat, before you fuck off back to freedom. It works, honestly. Although, voice of experience, you generally only get away with it once every marriage.

    • Alex: I don't always cry after sex, you know. Before and during, admittedly that is pretty much standard, but-
      Helen: It's not that, I like men who cry. I've got a thing about it.
      Alex: We should get married. You'd be very happy.

    • Stephen: By the way, bum chum, Security say that you're sleeping in the office again.
      Alex: Oh, yes.
      Stephen: Yes. Could I just mention before you bang on, that despite my own extensive experience in getting divorced, there's really no point in telling me all about it, because the awful truth is, I'm not remotely interested. Ciao!

    • Alex: It's not even my turn. What about Dan?
      Dan: Hold the phone, douchebag. I did cyber sex last week.
      Alex: Oh yes, sorry, I forgot.
      Dan: Unless you want me to do, like, the whole schtick about the air hostess rubbing her pink bits against me on the Tube.

    • Alex: Okay, what happens next? It's just it's the first time I've had casual sex this century and, you know. Well okay, admittedly last century wasn't exactly chocker-full of no strings knobbing, but seriously, this is the first time in many moons I've made love with someone I didn't at least have a mortgage with.
      Helen: Oh. Thanks for making me the exception. We could take out a small loan together if it would make you feel more comfortable.

  • Notes

  • Allusions