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NBC (ended 2004)

Chandlers best joke

  • Avatar of tafj73

    tafj73

    [21]Feb 21, 2008
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    One of the first that I thought of was:

    Chandler: Rach, Rach, we gotta settle.
    Rachel: Settle what?
    Chandler: The.....Jamestown colony of Virginia. lol
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  • Avatar of MisterMatthews

    MisterMatthews

    [22]Feb 29, 2008
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    Willick-Bunch wrote:
    since nobody of the friends ever laughs after Chandlers jokes, we have to give him some credit. What is chandlers best 'fricken' joke?

    That's not exactly true. In the first half of the series, the other friends often laugh at Chandler's jokes. After this, Chandler does become less funny and he turns into a guy who cracks pathetic jokes and then laughs at them himself.

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    MisterMatthews

    [23]Feb 29, 2008
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    This one was the best. I use it all the time, since it applies to me, too:

    Chandler: 'You're such a nice guy' means: 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complain about them... to yóu!'

    Other hilarious jokes:

    Monica : It's not a date; it's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
    Chandler : Sounds like a date to me.

    Monica : So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.
    Chandler : Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?

    Chandler : You know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed. They were very nice boobies.
    Rachel : 'Nice?' They were 'nice'? I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are 'nice'.
    Chandler : Okay. Rock . . hard place . . me..

    Chandler : Hey Rach, we've gotta settle.
    Rachel : Settle what?
    Chandler : The ..ah.. Jamestown colony in Virginia. You see King George is giving us the land and ...

    Phoebe : Call her! Stop being so testosteroney!
    Chandler : Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat.
    ( He calls her then hurriedly hangs up )
    Chandler ( on phone ): I got her machine.
    Joey : Her answering machine?
    Chandler : No, interesting enough, her leaf blower picked up.

    Chandler : Y'don't think that makes me seem a little...
    Ross : ...desperate, needy, pathetic?
    Chandler : Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.

    Joey : I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars.
    Chandler : Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.

    Ross : There was always this little voice inside that said, 'It's never gonna happen. Move on.' And you know whose voice that was?
    Chandler : God?
    Ross : It was you, pal.
    Chandler : Well maybe it was just God doing me.

    Chandler : ( about his similarity to Mr Heckles ) Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.

    Rachel: Chandler, Monica just broke my seashell lamp!
    Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone!
    Rachel: ...okay, you win.

    Joey : The Ice Capades?
    Chandler : No, no, the Gravel Capades. The turns are a little slower, but when Snoopy falls, FUNNY!!

    Joey : Well, I guess I could sleep with her... I mean, how could I do that?
    Chandler : Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know.

    Chandler : ( telling Joey ) You know maybe this isn't such a big deal you know. Umm... the way I see it is, you get a great job and you get to have sex. You know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas!

    Joey ( at Carol and Susan's wedding ): It just seems so futile, ya know. All these women and...nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, ya know. I have the cape and yet cannot fly.
    Chandler : Well, now you understand how I feel every single day, OK. The world is my lesbian wedding.

    Susie : OK, who was the guy that got caught masturbating?
    Chandler : He wasn't masturbating He was looking for his bus money.

    Chandler : What? ( looks around and realizes the woman walked away because of the bracelet Joey gave him )
    Oh this is excellent. You know, he could've gotten me a VCR, he could've gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no. He has to get me the woman repeller. The eyesore from the Liberace House of Crap!!
    Phoebe : It's not that bad.
    Chandler : Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection.

    Chandler : Hey, big guy. Game time!
    Richard : Be right there.
    Monica : There's a game?
    Chandler : Uh, yeah. I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel!

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  • Avatar of stellarchick86

    stellarchick86

    [24]Feb 29, 2008
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    Thats a lot of jokes there, sir. Anyway yeah Chandler had a lot of good jokes..pretty much everyting mentioned I love.
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  • Avatar of frostzZ

    frostzZ

    [25]Mar 1, 2008
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    LoL just like said before

    1-you have to stop the Q-tip when there is resistance,although i've gone to alot of places to get this joke into my mind LoL

    2-and i like when he says to monica "I dont love you because you are organized,i love you inspite of that" I always use this line lol

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  • Avatar of FriendsSvuLost8

    FriendsSvuLost8

    [26]Mar 1, 2008
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    Also when he says to Monica. "You have to realize then I don't see you as a thin beaufiful woman.... one of those things I can apologize for later. Love that line.
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  • Avatar of super_friend21

    super_friend21

    [27]Mar 1, 2008
    • member since: 03/09/07
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    TOW The Rumour: I'm sorry. In high school you made out with a 50 year old woman Ross: She didnt look 50 Chandler: Did she look 16?

    TOW In Barbados: Your hand is blistered, you can barely stand, your hair is inexplicable! Okay, you've already proven you are just as good as he is. Now we've missed our dinner reservations. So now let's just go upstairs, order room service, take a shower, and shave your head!

    Edited on 03/01/2008 8:26am
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  • Avatar of SHUCKLEMAN

    SHUCKLEMAN

    [28]Mar 1, 2008
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    I like in The One With Rachel's Other Sister, Chandler, like most of the other characters, has some of his very best lines.

    Chandler : These aren't the plates that we picked out in the store.
    Monica : Yes, after you left I chose different ones.
    Chandler : What?
    Monica : Sorry Chandler, you're taste is just a bit too feminine for me.
    Chandler : What, suddenly flowers are feminine?

    Chandler : How about, for the rest of our lives, I'll be careful, until told otherwize.

    Joey (he's just realized he's missed the parade) : They said "I want everyone to be there, including you Tribbiani!" like I was some sort of idiot.
    Chandler : Well, you proved them wrong(!)

    Chandler (about him not getting custody of Emma) : Do you think I'm incompetant? Because I managed to survive whatever it was that killed the three of you!

    Chandler : So, two of my friends die, then my wife dies, then Emma, the one tiny ray of hope left in my life gets taken away from me?
    Phoebe : (clapping) There's your movie!

    Ross (about not letting Chandler get Emma if he Rachel and Monica die) : I'm sorry Chandler.
    Chandler : It's okay, but you did hurt your feelings, and I'd like to let you know that if I die, you don't get Joey.
    Later...
    Chandler (Rachel and Amy have just been fighting and broken one of Monica's plates, which has caused Monica to break down) : Hey, girls, stop it. Those plates are very important to Monica. Yes, they may not be as good as the pretty pink ones, that I picked out, but I would like you to say sorry tp her.
    Amy : Sorry.
    Rachel : Sorry.
    Monica : It's okay, it's not like somebody died.
    Phoebe : Yes, it'll be okay.
    Monica : Thank you. You're so beautiful!
    Chandler : Now, I'd like you to say sorry to each other and mean it.
    Amy : Sorry.
    Rachel : Sorry.
    Chandler : (whispering to Amy and Rachel, while they glare at him) By the way, that was totally arousing.
    Ross : You know, if I die, Rachel dies, and Monica dies, you can totally take care of Emma.
    Chandler : Really?
    Ross : (laughing) So now do I get Joey?
    Chandler : Yes, but you ought to know, he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose.

    And while I'm here, the character development for Chandler is fabulous in this episode, and I think the hallway scene where Chandler expresses his fears and sadness about not being a good father figure to Monica is really sweet. And it's funny how we discover Monica grounded Chandler for putting shoes on the furniture.
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    FriendsSvuLost8

    [29]Mar 1, 2008
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    ^ Yeah I can totally picture Monica doing that .
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  • Avatar of SHUCKLEMAN

    SHUCKLEMAN

    [30]Mar 1, 2008
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    ^Yeah. Monica's so funny in that episode.

    Monica : What are you doing?
    Phoebe : Oh, I thought we could use the fancy china for desert too.
    Monica : Ooh! Maybe later we can go blow our noses on my wedding dress!

    Monica : (crying) I'm gonna go get the pies.
    Joey : Actually, it's just pie.
    Monica : I don't care. Wow, I've lost the will to scold.

    Monica : Emma is a product of a five-year-old condom and a bottle of Morlot.

    And I think Monica getting everybody to cut their food in the air, to avoid scratching the plates is one of the funniest things ever, and it is so Monica. And everyone gets annoyed and calls her crazy plate lady. And then Phoebe makes fun of her apparently 'fun' method of cutting turkey when Monica gets upset that Ross and Rachel see Chandler as the fun one in the couple.

    These writers are so intelligent. I don't know how they think up this stuff.
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    FriendsSvuLost8

    [31]Mar 1, 2008
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    Chandler: Look, I'm sorry, some things are different for men and for women.
    Monica: Go on, teach me something about men and women.
    Chandler: Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, "I'm just flirting, no big deal." But the guy is thinking, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!"
    Monica: No way!
    Chandler: It's true.
    Monica: Well that's pathetic!
    Chandler: Again true.
    Monica: And this goes for all guys?
    Chandler: All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.

    I love this conversation between them.
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  • Avatar of yousifaltaha

    yousifaltaha

    [32]Mar 2, 2008
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    Lol there is alot but one of the best:

    Ross: Im gonna make myself happy.

    Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room?

    Edited on 03/02/2008 1:35am
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  • Avatar of maharajahu

    maharajahu

    [33]Mar 2, 2008
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    ok I have two

    [Rachel walks in wearing a pink bridesmaid dress] Chandler: I'm sorry, we don't have your sheep.

    [Ross practices dirty talk with Joey's help not knowing Chandler's behind him; Chandler makes noise, they stop]

    Chandler: With?...
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  • Avatar of ramo_zz

    ramo_zz

    [34]Mar 2, 2008
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    maharajahu wrote:
    ok I have two [Rachel walks in wearing a pink bridesmaid dress] Chandler: I'm sorry, we don't have your sheep. [Ross practices dirty talk with Joey's help not knowing Chandler's behind him; Chandler makes noise, they stop] Chandler: With?...

    Good ones This is also one of his BEST lines:

    CHANDLER:" Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... ya know, make a little love... well pretty much get down tonight."

    Edited on 03/02/2008 2:37pm
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  • Avatar of SHUCKLEMAN

    SHUCKLEMAN

    [35]Mar 2, 2008
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    I like it in TOW The Dollhouse where Rachel tells him that Joanna liked him and wants to date him, and Chandler goes 'Oh, so she liked what she saw? Dug my action did she? Better make room for the Chan-Chan man!' and then Rachel goes 'Okay, that was...surreal'.
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  • Avatar of maharajahu

    maharajahu

    [36]Mar 3, 2008
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    a remembered another one
    Hi, we have an emergency. But I guess you already know that otherwise we would be in the predicament room.
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  • Avatar of shriprema

    shriprema

    [37]Mar 4, 2008
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    Joey: But then we won't be bank buddies
    Chandler: (menacingly) Now there's TWO reasons
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  • Avatar of soulspike

    soulspike

    [38]Mar 6, 2008
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    yousifaltaha wrote:

    Lol there is alot but one of the best:

    Ross: Im gonna make myself happy.

    Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room?



    that was classic
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  • Avatar of stellarchick86

    stellarchick86

    [39]Mar 6, 2008
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    I thought of a few today that hes said but now I cant remember what they are, so heres just 2 I remember.

    (after seeing Ronnie): Oh look Joey! Theres the woman we ordered.

    And Joey: Ive been thinking. You know how Ive been seeing girls on top of girls... Chandler: You mean, end to end or tall like pancakes? LOL.

    Edited on 03/06/2008 10:29pm
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  • Avatar of FriendsSvuLost8

    FriendsSvuLost8

    [40]Mar 7, 2008
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    Chandler: So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk? I just love that one
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