"The One Where Monica and Chandler Move Away"
Just minutes after season 10 finale ended....
The gang is sitting around drinking coffee.
CHANDLER: For the last time, Joe -- No, we did not steal the other baby.
RACHEL: (sadly) So, when do you guys have to take off?
MONICA: Well. Actually, it's getting late. We should probably take off now.
Everyone gets quiet, not wanting to say 'goodbye'
JOEY: Well, well, well --- Can we all come by tonight for, I don't know, dinner or something?
CHANDLER: Sure. Of course.
MONICA: Oh, but we're not going to have any food in the house, so ---
JOEY: What! No food? Ah, forget it then...
MONICA: Joey. I was going to say --- We won't have any food in the house, so you all should each bring a dish....and Chandler can barbecue or something.
PHOEBE: Oh yeah. That sounds fun. I'll bring Mike. He loves barbecue foods.
JOEY: I'll bring the pizza! [beat] And sandwiches! And barbecue chips!
ROSS: (standing up with Rachel) Well, we'll walk you out to the car.
OUTSIDE CENTRAL PERK
Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are standing watching Monica and Chandler get into the car.
CHANDLER: Bye, guys!
JOEY: We'll miss you! Bye babies!
MONICA: We'll miss you guys, too.
CHANDLER: Call us anytime. Really, anytime you miss us -- don't hesitate to call. [pause] OK, Joe?
He gets into the car and him and Monica drive away. The gang is left their waving goodbye sadly.
Joey gets out his cell phone and starts dialing.
ROSS: Who're you calling?
JOEY: (into his cell phone): Are you there yet buddy?
CHANDLER (through Joey's cell) At least wait 'til we get out of your sight, Joe!
Joey, Rachel, Ross are drinking coffee sitting on the couch.
JOEY: Wow. So you two are actually finally back togeher. For good this time?
ROSS: (smiles at Rachel) Absolutely.
RACHEL: (smiles back) For the long haul.
JOEY: Or at least 'til Ross goes to a copy shop.
Ross gives him amean glare.
JOEY: Uh, uh... Who said that? (starts looking around)
ROSS: Anyway, so Rachel, are we still on for our "museum date" tomorrow night?
RACHEL: Mmhmm. I really can't wait. I'm gonna wear my new outfit I bought for Paris.
JOEY: Yeah, you are!
RACHEL: Joey, you haven't even seen it.
JOEY: Yet I can still see so clearly that it's a sexy black lingerie "dress". (looks up smiling as he imagines it)
RACHEL: It's not lingerie.
JOEY: Why do you have to ruin it for me? What did I ever do to you, huh?
ROSS: Anyway---Do you wanna go back to my place or yours after the date?
JOEY: Uh, dude. You're a real nice guy, but just not my type.
RACHEL: (ignoring Joey) Your place. (she winks)
JOEY: Oh, I saw that! (turns to Ross) Oh, you're gonna get lucky tonight, buddy!
Both Rachel and Ross shake their heads at him.
JOEY: (to Ross) Although, you're gonna have to step up tonight---be really good in bed.
JOEY: What? Hey, I'm just saying, the last guy Rachel was with is me. So, you have a high bar to compete with. Sexually.
RACHEL: Joey, we never slept together.
JOEY: Damn it, Rachel! Why do you keep doing this to me? What, I mean what, did I ever do to you? (he gets up and leaves)
Ross and Rachel laugh, and hug each other.
Phoebe and MIke are on the couch making out.
MIKE: (kissing Phoebe) Oh...Oh---Oh, you are so hot, Phoebe!
PHOEBE: I know. (starts to unbutton his shirt) Oh, no no no!
MIKE: Oh, yes yes yes! That's right. Keep unbuttoning, sweetie.
PHOEBE: (sits up) No. I just remembered---we have to go over Monica and Chandler's new place tonight for dinner. [beat] Oh no no NOO!
MIKE: There's more?
PHOEBE: And we have to bring a dish!
MIKE: They don't have food in their own house?
PHOEBE: Well, they just moved in, so, um, no.
PHOEBE: Oh, I don't feel like going over there tonight. I just....wannt have hot, Mike & Phoebe sex!
MIKE: So...then, we won't go. Just call and cancel. (shrugs) To be honest, I don't even like Monica too much---and Chandler, I never know when to laugh and not.
PHOEBE: I can't cancel though. It's Monica and Chandler, and their new house. And Ross, Rachel, and Joey are gonna be there, too. They're all my best friends.
MIKE: And mine too.
PHOEBE: So what are we gonna do?
MIKE: I think we should go. I mean, they're your friends and you've known them for so long. Plus this is their new house, with their new babies---all of their friends should be there tonight. Including me. I mean I don't want it to be like, we get married and you stop hanging out with your friends. Besides, it'll be fun to hang out with another married couple. Plus Ross and Rachel are a couple now, so it'll be like three couples having fun at a barbecue---while babysitting...
PHOEBE: Oh, that's right. I forgot about their new twins---Erica and Jack.
MIKE: Oh, yeah. Except I was talking about, you know, Joey.
MONICA AND CHANDLER'S NEW HOUSE
Chandler's sitting in the couch watching television; Monica's frantically cleaning their new house; there are boxes still all around them.
MONICA: Honey---some help, maybe?
CHANDLER: I just put the twins down for their nap. What more help do you want?
MONICA: Oh, I don't know, maybe with the cleaning!
CHANDLER: I would, but....I'm a little scared to be within five feet of this Monica.
MONICA: OK, Chandler. Seriously, everyone's gonna be here in five hours. Five hours!
CHANDLER: Honey, it's gonna be OK. They all know we just moved in. They will expect a lot of boxes laying around. They would find weird if there wasn't a whole lot of boxes around still.
MONICA: I don't know---
CHANDLER: Let me take your mind off it then. (starts to kiss her)
MONICA: Oh OK, alright. I'll just say I was busy with the babies! (she kisses him back)
Joey is thinking about what to make for the dinner tonight.
JOEY'S THOUGHTS: OK, time to make some food for tonight. I can do this---I'm Joey. I love food. (opens refrigerator) Beer. Baking soda. Regular soda. Cherry soda. Oh, an egg carton. (opens it up) With no eggs inside. (tosses it behind him) Ah, milk! You can make anything with milk. (checks the date) Oh... (tosses milk carton behind him).Oh! I know...
He goes outside to the hall and knocks on Mondler's old apartment door.
JOEY: Monica! Chan! Open up! (pause) Oh, wait... (knocks again) Anyone? Open up! Oh, I know...
Joey stands up, runs, and breaks open the door right off its hinges. He walks into an empty apartment, and opens the fridge.
JOEY: Nothing!? Damn it!
Ross and Rachel are playing a game with almost-two-year-old Emma.
ROSS: OK Emma, you move six spaces.
Rachel moves the piece for her.
RACHEL: (gasps fakely for Emma) Emma, you get to move all the way up this latter!
The phone rings.
ROSS: (picks up phone) Hello?
JOEY: (on other end of phone) Ross, it's Joey. Listen, are you and Rachel making a dish?
ROSS: What? Oh. Oh, yeah. For Monica's barbecue. Damn it, I forgot all about it.
JOEY: So, you're not making anything?!
ROSS: Well, not yet. But we will. Why? What's up, Joe?
JOEY: Uh. Uh, well, do you think you and Rachel could pick me up and we all go together?
ROSS: Sure, no problem.
JOEY: Great! Then since I'm going with you, that means I'll just bring the dish you and Rachel make! Great, buddy!
ROSS: Joey, wait---
JOEY: Oh, no! No, the baby duck just crapped in my chair! Bad duck! (hangs up the phone)
RACHEL: What was that about?
ROSS: Well, we need to make a dish for Monica's barbecue. And also, Joey's using us for our dish because he can't cook.
RACHEL: Oh, God--(looks toward Emma)--Gosh darn it! What're we gonna bring?
Emma tugs on Rachel's shirt.
RACHEL: Oh, what's wrong, Emma? Aw, you wanna finish Candy Land? (to Ross) Oh, well. Now we can't cook!
Phoebe and Mike are in the kitchen making brownies.
MIKE: So, question: What if Ross and Rachel decide to make a dessert?
PHOEBE: Then we'll have two. Oh well, Monica never assigned us specific dishes. (looks confused) Hmm, she must of just been overwhelmed with getting the twins and moving. (Mike nods) Yeah. No, if anyone else makes a dessert---it'll be Joey.
MIKE: Really? I was just expecting him to bring ten meat ball subs from Subway.
PHOEBE: He probably will. Oh! Give me two eggs, dear.
Mike cracks two eggs over into the bowl.
PHOEBE: Thanks. And now, lets see, now I need *reads the brownie box label* two cups of milk.
MIKE: OK. (opens fridge and looks for milk) Uh honey, there's no milk in here---oh wait, here's some. (pulls it out)
PHOEBE: Great! Oh phew, that was a close one!
MIKE: Uh nevermind. This milk is (checks date again) five months old. Hey question---why do you have five-month-old milk in your fridge?
PHOEBE: (shrugs) I have no idea. Wait, are we in Joey's apartment?
MIKE: What are we gonna do? Now we have to start over with a new dessert. That doesn't require milk to make.
PHOEBE: (checks watch) But we have to be there soon, and we still have to have sex a few times. Look, why don't we just continue to make the brownies and use the old, sour, (looks in the milk carton) chunky, milk?
MIKE: We can't do that! This is Monica and Chandler's first barbecue at their new house. I don't wanna be the one responsible for ruining that.
PHOEBE: Afraid of Monica?
MIKE: Terrified. Look, why don't I just run to the store and pick up some fresh milk?
PHOEBE: No! I'm not gonna let Monica's controlling....ness, get in the way of me and my new husband's sex time! OK. OK! Here's what we're gonna do---finish making the brownies with the lumpy milk, go in our bedroom and undress each other, and then proceed to have sex at least two times before Monica's already-controlling-and-pain-in-the...my-ass barbecue! Oh and we need to try out my new handcuffs during foreplay, k?
MIKE: I'm not gonna say no to that! [beat] I don't actually have to eat the brownies, do I?
MONICA AND CHANDLER'S APARTMENT
Chandler is in front of the main door holding the twins, while Monica is doing some last minute cleaning. She looks at Chandler and the twins making sure they look all right.
MONICA: Oh, Chandler. Stand up straight. If you hunch, your back becomes arched---and then you have to go live in clock tower.
CHANDLER: Yes, mother.
Monica eyes him down and then starts brushing his shirt with her feather duster.
CHANDLER: K, I'm gonna need some reminders as to why I married you again.
Edited 5 total times.