Season 5 Episode 13

The One with Joey's Bag

Aired Thursday 8:00 PM Feb 04, 1999 on NBC



  • Trivia

    • Goof: When Phoebe is talking to her dad in Central Perk, she says, "Lipstick and a daughter--big day for you..." and folds her papers in half. When the camera angle changes, she folds them again.

    • Trivia: The song that Pheobe's dad made up for her when she was little and couldn't sleep is very similar to Pheobe's "Smelly cat."

    • Goof: When Phoebe's dad is talking to her in Central Perk, his coat alternates between being buttoned and unbuttoned from scene to scene.

  • Quotes

    • (Monica is giving Chandler what she believes to be a great massage, but it is anything but)
      Chandler: Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh!
      Monica: So good, isn't it?
      Chandler: So good, I don't know what I've done to deserve it! (tries to grab the timer) 
      Monica: (takes the timer from him) Oh, hey, now... stop trying to add more time to your massage! (starts massaging him again) ...Say goodbye to sore muscles!
      Chandler: Goodbye, muscles!!

    • Chandler: (about Monica, to Joey) I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever! Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information... and I wanted to give it up, I just... I didn't know what it was!

    • Ross: (bringing his coffee over to the couch) Hi...
      Joey: (grabbing a top-hat from floor) Hey dude, look out! You almost crushed my hat. (sets it on couch)
      Ross: Sorry... 
      Chandler: (picks up the top hat and looks in it) ...and the bunny got away.

    • Joey: (defending his top hat) ...Like you could find something as sophisticated as this.
      Chandler: (puts a bread basket on his head) Done.

    • Ross: Hey Pheebs, how's it going?
      Phoebe: Hey! Umm, well, only okay... 'cause I just got back from the hospital...
      Ross: Is everything alright?
      Phoebe: Oh, yeah, no-no... I'm fine, I'm okay, but, uh, my grandma... sort of died.
      (General commiseration)
      Phoebe: It's okay, I mean, she had a really incredible life... and it's not like I'm never gonna see her again, y'know... she's gonna visit.
      Rachel: Well, maybe... maybe she's with us right now...
      Phoebe: (sarcastically) Yeah, right. Her first day on a new spiritual plane and she's gonna come to the coffeehouse!

    • Joey: But it is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me--a man.
      Rachel: Exactly... Unisex.
      Joey: Maybe you need sex, but I had sex a couple days ago.
      Rachel: No-no-no. No, Joey. U-N-I-sex...
      Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.

    • Phoebe: Grandma died.
      Ursula: (puzzled) Didn't she die, like... five years ago?
      Phoebe: No... she just died today. We're having a memorial service tomorrow.
      Ursula: Okay, I know I went to that, already.
      Phoebe: No, you didn't!
      Ursula: Then, who's been dead for five years?
      Phoebe: (flustered) Well... lots of people!

    • Joey (about his bag): At first I just thought it looked good, but it's practical, too... Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet... your keys... your address book...
      Ross: ...your make-up...

    • Joey: (about the bag Rachel loaned Joey for his audition) Why would I return it? I love this bag!
      Rachel: All right, then you owe me $350.
      Joey: (holding up the example credit cards that came with the bag) Fine! Do you take "VASA" or "Mustercard?"

    • Joey: (taking a bouquet from his bag) Here, I brought you some flowers.
      Phoebe: Oh, thank-you!
      Chandler: Yeah... pulling flowers out of it makes the bag look a lot more masculine.

    • Rachel: Joey, that bag is gonna get you that part!
      Chandler: ...and a date with a man!

    • Monica (to Chandler about her massages): You've been lying to me? I can't believe you'd do that.
      Ross: Well, maybe he just didn't want to hurt your feelings.
      Monica: (directly to Chandler) But the minute that we start to lie to each other... (suddenly realizes she's revealing their relationship) ...and by "we", I mean, "society..."

    • Chandler: Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing, y'know. I... I really like 'em.
      Monica: Oh, please, stop. We're supposed to be honest with each other. I, I just wish you could tell me... just say, "I don't like your massages."
      Chandler: (with difficulty) I don't like your massages.
      Monica: (starts to cry) See? It's no big deal...
      Chandler: Okay, but now see, you're crying.
      Monica: I'm not crying about that. I'm crying about something that happened at work.
      Chandler: What?
      Monica: (with renewed tears) My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages!
      Chandler: It's okay, you don't have to be the best at everything.
      Monica: (completely distraught) Oh, my God! You don't know me at all!!

    • Chandler: You give the best "bad" massages... If anybody was looking for the best "bad" massage... and they were thinking to themselves, who's the best at that? ...they'd have to go to you.
      Monica: Huh... So, you're saying that if there was an award for the best "bad" massage, well... who would get that?
      Chandler: Oh, it would be you! You, Monica--and you would get all the votes.
      Monica: So, maybe they could call the award, the "Monica"?
      Chandler: (smiling affectionately) Absolutely.

    • Phoebe: Lily's dead.
      Frank Sr: Are you sure?
      Phoebe: Well, if she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake.

  • Notes

    • International Episode Titles:
      Czech Republic: Joeyho taška (Joey's Bag)

    • When playing both Phoebe and Ursula, Lisa Kudrow's older sister Helene Marla Kudrow doubles for the shoulder shots.

    • This episode runs 23:20 on DVD (a typical sitcom runs about 22:00). There are some extra jokes made by Chandler at the coffee house at the beginning of the show. At the end of the show, there is a conversation over the phone between Phoebe and Ursula.

  • Allusions

    • Phoebe: (to Ursula, on the phone) John Glenn? John Glenn is not our dad.
      John Glenn, a famous astronaut, was the first American to orbit the Earth.

    • Ross: (to Joey) What's the part? Auntie Mame?
      Auntie Mame is character from the play and film Auntie Mame, adapted into the musical Mame, all based on the 1955 book Auntie Mame by Patrick Dennis.