Friends

Monica: What do I smell? I smell smoke. Hon, did you smoke? Chandler: Yes, but I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five. A pack. Two packs... a... a carton. Three big fat cartons in two days. But it's over, I made a decision, I'm not gonna smoke anymore.

Ken: Is it true the reason you're here in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting and took the job without realizing what you were saying yes to? Chandler: Well, don't believe everything you hear, Ken. But yeah, that's true.

Phoebe: Alright, okay, so we can all go now. That's fun. Hey, you know what? We all haven't been together, the six of us, in such a long time. Monica: What are you talking about? We're all together right now. Rachel: Um, Mon, Chandler's not here. Monica: Oh, dear God!

Phoebe: (To Monica) Happy Humping!

Ross: Mom just called. She said that she's stuck in the traffic but she'll be here soon. Rachel: Okay, that's the third sign why I shouldn't go. Ross: What were the first two? Rachel: The first is that I don't want to go and the second is I'm not going.

Phoebe: You're an hour late and you didn't had the courtesy to call! (Phone rings) Well it's too late now! Ross: Phoebe, I don't think that's us. Phoebe: Oh. Well, this is not over!

Phoebe: One needn't worry. They shan't be long. Waiter: It's just that we do have some large parties waiting. Phoebe: Oh, one really does have a stick up one's ass, doesn't one?

Phoebe: (To Ross and Rachel) You guys are over an hour late, what happened to you? Rachel: Well, we got locked out of the apartment... Joey: That's a great story, can I eat it?

Chandler: I'm not going to smoke again. Monica: That's right, because I forbid you to smoke again. Chandler: You forbid me? Monica: Mmmhmm. Chandler: You know, I've flown a long way to see my loving wife. Is she here, by the way?

Ross: Just go. Go out. Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up your heels. Paint the town red. Rachel: You need to learn some new slang. Ross: The baby's fine, now scram! Yeah, hit the bricks! Tell your story walking! Rachel: I was just going to say that I left my keys. Ross: (Trying to close the door) Oh, holy moley, are we in a pickle now!

Rachel: You have to do something. Knock that door down. Ross: I would, but I bruise like a peach.

Rachel: (To Emma) Whoa, God! Oh, thank God you're okay. Oh, I'm so sorry we left you. Mommy will never leave you again. Never, ever, ever again. Ross: Great. So let's get going. Rachel: Oh, no. I mean it. After what just happened, I'm never leaving her again. Judy Geller: I understand. Separation is hard. One time, I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor, and he got so upset he took off all his clothes, tucked his willie between his legs, and cried, "Mommy, I'm a girl! Take me with you!" Ross: Somehow, over time, it got easier to be apart from you.

Chandler: I would never lie to get someone into bed. Monica: You used to tell girls you were a Kennedy!

Chandler: I was in a meeting. Everybody was smoking. Monica: So what? Don't you have any will power? Chandler: Will power? I've watched home movies of you eating Ding Dongs without taking the tinfoil off!

Joey: (To waiters) Gentlemen, you are about to see something very special.

Monica: Today is the last day that I'm ovulating and if we don't do it now we'll have to wait till next month. Chandler: Fine, but no talking. Monica: And no cuddling. Chandler: And no kissing your neck. Monica: Oh good, I hate it when you do that! Chandler: And lots of kissing your neck.

Rachel: Did I leave the stove on? Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996!

Monica: Chandler will have the smoked salmon. Chandler: Monica will have the manipulative shrew.

Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in! Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirlpool that fills the apartment. Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.