Friends Season 1 Episode 14

Carol: Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is gone.
Ross: Well maybe it's cold in there. Or maybe I screwed up the first date I had in nine years.

Monica: Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked.
Rachel: Hey he's wearing a sweater.
Monica: No.

Phoebe: Okay, so now we need, um, sage branches and the sacramental wine.
Monica: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca.

Chandler: Oh, what a crappy night!
Janice: Although, I have enjoyed the fact that, uh your shirt's been sticking out of your zipper ever since you came back from the bathroom.

Phoebe: Okay. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.
Rachel: Or?
Phoebe: Or... or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.
Monica: Burning's good.

Phoebe: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual.
Rachel: Pheebs, this woman is voluntarily bald.

Joey: No, no, no, don't! I've been waiting for, like, forever to go out with Lorraine. Just calm down.
Chandler: Calm down? Calm down? You set me up with the woman that I've dumped twice in the last five months!

Chandler: (To Joey) Okay, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.

Monica: You can not do this.
Rachel: Do what? Do what?
Monica: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.
Rachel: No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why you dumped the guy?
Phoebe: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... Alright, still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!

Chandler: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day?
Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.
Chandler: Oh man, in my next life I'm coming back as a toilet brush.

Janice: So do we have the best friends, or what?
Chandler: Joey's not a friend, he's ... a stupid man who left us his credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big-screen TV?

Rachel: How do we end up with these jerks? We're good people.
Monica: I don't know. I think we're some kind of magnets.
Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.

Monica: Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I know I do.

Joey: She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely want to be a part of it.

Phoebe: (While doing the ritual) Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man.
Rachel: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.

Chandler: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, okay? The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian. I don't think we need a third.

Carol: (To Ross) All you need is a woman who likes men and you're set.
(Ross looks at a beautiful woman passing by) Not her.

Janice: (To Chandler) I bought you something.
Chandler: Is it loaded?