Friends Season 3 Episode 18

Rachel: (About Pete's tip) Oh, my God. I can't believe this is a real $20,000 check. Oh, this is just so exciting.
Monica: Or incredibly offensive.
Rachel: Oh yeah, sure, that too.

Phoebe: So, how was your day?
Frank: Oh, well just probably the worst one since I've been alive.
Phoebe: What, mm, what happened?
Frank: Um, Alice, ah, she, ah, called it off.
Phoebe: Oh no. Did, um, did she say why?
Frank: Uh, no, not really, just that I was too young, you know. But I don't see how I could all of the sudden be too young, 'cause I'm older than I was when we first got together.

Monica: (About the large tip Pete left her) Seriously, what is this supposed to mean?
Pete: Well, you know, I never know how much to tip.
Monica: You're supposed to double the tax. Not double the tax of Romania.

Phoebe: (to Joey) You're Frank's best man?!
Joey: I couldn't help it. Their love is so pure.
Phoebe: Well then, (to Ross) what about you?! Huh?!
Ross: I'm the ring bearer.

Alice: You know, I mean, really we do realize that there's an age difference between us?
Phoebe: Oh good! Okay. 'Cause you were acting like you didn't.

Joey: (To Ross) So, we're walking down the street, and I turn to you and say: "Hey, let's go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes," remember? And then you turn to me and say, "Nah, let's just hang out at your place." Well, that was a nice move, dumb-ass.

Rachel: (About Pete asking Monica out) Well, I mean, are you sure you wanna go out with her? I mean, that ain't a pretty picture in the morning. That wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over the nightstand.
Monica: I mean, really, think about it.
Pete: Oh, I will.

Phoebe: What, he's 18.
Ross: Exactly, it'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
Joey: Yeah or to get a hooker.
Chandler: Always illegal, Joe.

Ross: It's just that hypnosis is beyond crap.
Rachel: Ross, I watched you get hypnotized in Atlantic City.
Ross: Hey, that guy did not hypnotize me! Okay?
Rachel: Oh right, 'cause you always pull your pants down at the count of three and play "Wipe Out" on your butt cheeks.

Joey: So, Ross. If you had a million dollars, what's the first thing you'd buy?
Ross: I'd probably get some municipal bonds, and then put the rest of the money in the bank and live off the interest.
Joey: Well, we've heard from Dr. Fun.

Ross: (To Frank Jr.) All we're saying is, don't rush into anything.
Joey: Yeah, come on, think about it. You're eighteen. Okay. She's forty-four. When you're thirty-six, she's gonna be eighty-eight.
Frank Jr.: You think I don't know that?

Frank Jr.: You know, I would storm out of here right now, if I had some money, or a place to go ...

Chandler: (About his briefcase) You know, I forgot the combination to this a year ago? I just carry it around.

Monica: The only reason you want to go out with me is because of the blond wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food.
Pete: Well, if that were true I'd be dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out, it was just plain awkward.

Voice on Tape: You are a strong, confident woman who does not need to smoke... (Tape cuts off)
Joey: (On tape) Joey is your best friend... You want to make him a cheese sandwich every day... You also want to buy him hundreds of dollars of pants...