[King's Landing. A well-dressed man stands in the middle of a fighting arena before 10,000 screaming fans...]
Laaaaadies and gentlemen... and eunuchs and wargs and dragons and wildlings and Lancel Lannister... from the fight promoters who brought you the Brawl at Harrenahl, the Cray Cray with Walder Frey, and the Personal Attack at Castle Black (sorry, fight promoters in Westeros aren't very good at naming fights), we welcome you to our main event, the Reprimanding in King's Landing, to determine the guilt of Tyrion Lannister in the murder of King Joffrey Baratheon! This fight will be to the death. LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!!!!
In this corner, we have...
Name: Gregor Clegane
Nickname: The Mountain That Rides
Champion for: Cersei Lannister, against Tyrion Lannister
Hometown: The Westerlands
Body type: Mountainous, like three men slapped together
Height: Nearly eight feet tall, according to the books
Weight: 420 pounds of muscle, zero pounds of mercy
Princess Bride comparison: Fezzik
Fighting for: Fun!
Known combat skills: Disemboweling, skewering, julienning, mincing, and pureeing, plus he can smash two heads together to make that coconut BONK sound
And in this corner, we have...
THE RED VIPER
Name: Oberyn Martell
Nickname: The Red Viper
Champion for: Tyrion Lannister, to prove his innocence
Body type: Slender and able to wriggle into small places, which comes in handy during his orgies
Height: Normal-ish. The size of one single man. Let's say he's about 5'10"
Weight: Probably like 170, eh?
Princess Bride comparison: Inigo Montoya
Fighting for: Revenge for the murder and rape of his sister, Elia Martell. ("My name is Oberyn Martell. You killed my sister. Prepare to die.")
Known combat skills: He studied poisons at the Citadel, he's a real tomcat in the sack, he can put blades through the hands of mouthy Lannisters, and he's supposedly a great warrior, but we've never seen fight with anything other than his tongue
Official Braavos betting line:
The Mountain's legend as the greatest warrior in Westeros has him as an early heavy favorite. The Mountain (-500), the Red Viper (+400).
ARE YOU EXCITED FOR THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY!?!?!? Who do you think will win?
Please, no book spoilers in the comments!