George says that you could dress Benny in a tuxedo and leave her at the North Pole and she could fit in as a penguin and polar bears would not be able to tell her apart. This is wrong because penguins are not found in the North Pole. Penguins are only found in the southern hemisphere.
Max: Everything happens for a reason? That's what you said when my hamster died.
George: Well what were we supposed to say? Mr. Fluffy died because a selfish boy got a skateboard and forgot to feed him? Bet you wish I had a cliche now don't ya?
George: Carmen, I'm going to tell you something we weren't going to tell you until you turned 18. If you get pregnant, you'll die.
Angie: George! That's horrible... to just blurt out the truth like that! (To Carmen) You have a rare baby allergy. You getting pregnant would be like putting a grenade in your cookie.
Carmen: Okay, you guys can't keep my from Jason anymore than you can keep a hungry bow weeval from a field full of cotton.
George: Well if you think you're getting married, you're crazier than a gravy covered cat in a barn full of bloodhounds! (To Angie) It's hard, you try it!
Angie: You have your whole life ahead of you. If you get pregnant now, you'll always regret it.
George: She's right. Not a day goes by I don't regret having children. You think your mom and I had these worry lines before you were born?
George: Well, damn it, Angie! We were beautiful!
(when Benny enters)
George: Hey, check it out. It's the ghetto Mary Poppins. (Benny gives him a look)
George: Come on, Mom. I'm just trying to cheer you up, you dirty little Oompa Loompa.
(after Jason leaves)
Carmen: I said "Baby, date whoever you want, but just get it out of your system by June 17th because that's when we're getting married." But then, he must've gone into a tunnel because the line just cut off, so I'm gonna wait a couple of minutes and then call him back.
George: Yeah, take your time, sweetheart. You know that tunnel leaving L. A.'s pretty long.
George: There's no way you're gettin' married.
Carmen: Fine, then I'll just get pregnant and move to Georgia (breaks into a southern accent) cuz I don't need y'all's consent down there.
George: (about Carmen) Angie, tell me you had an affair with Garth Brooks and that she's not mine!
(Carmen is threatening to get pregnant if George and Angie don't let her marry Jason)
George: I decided I wanna be called "pappy" instead of "grandpa." Now what would you prefer: "granny" or "nanna?"
Angie: I am not a nanna. (points to her butt) This is not the butt of a nanna.
Vic: You're screwed, Granny! And I know that sounds mean, but you put me through the same thing. You married without my approval. The difference is that, unlike you, Carmen will be running off with a smart, wealthy man, with a future.
Angie: Daddy, when are you gonna give up on that? George turned out great.
Vic: Well, even a blind squirrel finds a nut eventually.
George: (wielding a golf club) Stay right there and I'll find two more.
(George blows out the candles on his cake and Vic comes in)
Vic: George, Ernie's on the phone. Your mother's house is on fire!
George: I used my wish on Carmen! I swear.
George: Carmen you're 16! How can you be pregnant?
Benny: Whoa, deja vu. I remember having this same fight with my dad except he chased me through the neighborhood with a machete. Back then they let you be parents.
George: Carmen, the doctor told me something the day you were born. I didn't want to tell you until you were older but... if you get pregnant, you'll die.
Carmen: Let's do it tomorrow night, it'll be so romantic, I'll rent a hotel room for us, buy a sexy new outfit...and I'll bring Mr. Snugglebear.
Jason: You're going to bring your Mr. Snugglebear?
Carmen: Yeah! ...Does it bother you that he's a boy bear?
Angie: What do we do about Carmen?
George: I remember when we talked about having kids. A girl for you and a boy for me we said. Well mine is upstairs asleep, GOOD LUCK with yours.
George: Your house burnt down.
Benny: That's not funny.
Angie: It's no joke. THAT's why we thought you were dead.
Carmen: How could Jason just leave without telling me? Unless he wanted to surprise me by buying our dream house in Georgia.
Max: Or maybe he went to his other girldfriend's house. You know, the one with the brain.
Jason: Carmen, a baby? If you breast feed I'll be fighting my own baby for second base.
Final apperance by Bryan Fisher.
The 1-hour fifth season opener for ABC's "George Lopez" posted a dominant victory in its time period, beating its closest competition by 1.3 million viewers (9.6 million vs. 8.3 million - NBC's "E-Ring") and by 24% in Adults 18-49 (3.6/10 vs. 2.9/8 - Fox's "So You Think You Can Dance" finale).
In viewers and young adults, "George Lopez" marked its highest-rated season premiere in 3 years - best since its second season premiere on 10/2/02.
Guest star Jack Diamond is a popular radio personality in Washington, D.C., and had been invited onto the show by George Lopez during a radio interview. Diamond was on a plane almost as soon as the invitation was offered.