George: This school can't afford special ed classes, but they can afford urinals that flush themselves.
Angie: Why are you out of breath?
George: I set 'em all off at once. It sounded like a waterfall... and then the sound of the water made me have to go again.
George: How would you feel if you found out you were adopted and I wasn't your real father?
Carmen: Come on Dad, don't say that. Unless you're absolutely positive that it's true! That would explain so much...
George: Well, you're mine. If you were adopted I would've returned you already.
George: What do I always say?
Max: Ernie isn't a role model.
George: Exactly, he's a clown. Except-
Max: Some clowns aren't funny.
(Max announced he is out of special-ed)
George: See, that's the way the Lopezs do it! We fail, we fail, we fail, we fail until one day, BOOM... we're average.
Linda: Why don't you want me to meet her? Are you jealous? You don't want to share your mother with me?
George: Share? I'll trade! I can be Italian! (In an Italian accent) Try the Canoles! Forget about it! I know a guy! Whatcha! Badd-bing ho!
Linda: That's a stereotype.
George: What do you care? You're a Mexican.
Benny: I realized I made a HUGE mistake!
George: Yeah, Mom, but you said you couldn't keep the both of us.
Benny: I know. I should have taken her! She's smart, successful, hell of a woman!
George: Yeah, of course she turned out great. She was raised by people!
Benny: Hurts being the ugly sister, doesn't it?
(at the school board meeting)
Linda: Our first topic is drug safety...
George: We already know about that. 'Hugs, not drugs."
George: So... Linda, my favorite sister, you know, your nephew Max is a great kid. Sure needs to get back in that special-ed class.
Linda: I know. I'm sorry. I can't help you.
George: But I-I just hooked you up with your real mom.
Linda: And now I owe you?
George: Hell, yeah, you owe me! I was the one with the crappy childhood!
Linda: What are my real mother and father like?
George: Well, our father's easy. He ran out on Mom before you were born. I didn't know him, but I tracked him down last year. I punched him in the face, he asked me for a kidney, and he died.
Linda: And my mother?
George: Oh, yeah. She's kind of hard to describe in just a few words. She's a short... bitter... drunk. Actually, that covers it.
Linda: I'll arrange for Max to retake the test. And then, maybe he won't do so well and I'll be forced to put him back in special ed.
George: Wow, you're already holding one of your own back. Congratulations Linda, you are Mexican.
(Benny refuses to talk to Linda)
George: If you just open up, show er what you're really like... I guarantee she'll never want to see you again.
Benny: She;s not going anywhere. She wants to make me feel guilty. And I've got nothing to be sorry about. I couldn't keep both of you. But I made sure she had a good home, and nice parents.
Goerge: Is that what this is about. Deep down, you feel guilty?
Benny: I don't need to hear this from you.
George: Look: my father wasn't in my life, and I always felt like there was something missing because I didn't know him. I'm telling you mom, that's how Linda is feeling right now.
Benny: I am nothing like your father was.
George: If you walk out that gate, you are.
(Linda arrives at the house)
Max: What's going on?
Angie: Uh, you know how, uh, sometimes strangers come by, and we find out they're related to your dad? Uh, uh, this is one of those nights. Go.
Max: (he goes upstairs) Carmen, they found another one!
Linda: (after finding out she was adopted) I woke up this morning, and I was the only child of two loving, Italian parents. Now it's 11:00 p.m., and I'm a Mexican.
Benny:(about Linda) The last time I saw her, she was all crying and needy.
Angie: She was four days old!
Benny: People don't change.
George: This is LA, you want to learn Spanish? Take a bus.
Lisa: If you don't sit down right now, I'm going to have to have you removed.
George: Look I am not going to sit down till my son gets the help that he needs and I dare somebody to make a move 'cause I'm from the street wacha!