George: (to Benny) Okay, uh, here's the deal. I'm gonna try to stop complaining because I don't want to be your excuse for smoking. So if you can't quit, it's 'cause you're self-destructive, undisciplined, AND YOU NEVER GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN I WAS A KID!
Vic: (about Benny not smoking) How is she doing?
George: You'll see. Just don't make eye contact with her.
Vic: I never do. She's 4 feet tall.
Benny: George, in all of my stressful life, there's only been one thing that's ever brought me happiness.
George: You don't have to say it, mom.
George: That's why I didn't want you to say it!
Angie: What did you do to finally make Benny quit smoking?
George: I told her the same thing I wrote on her Mother's Day Card: "You're old and the better not lose your job, because Sabes Que? (you know what?) I ain't taking care of your ass! Warm regards, your loving son George."
George: Mom, are you still going to try to quit smoking?
Benny: No, I want to get fired and live in a small box. What kind of question is that?!
Vic: Benny, you can't wear four patches.
Benny: No, you idiot. This one's so I don't get KNOCKED UP!
Victor: The average person only needs one patch a day.
Benny: Well then, I must be FREAKING SPECIAL! (pulls up sleeve to reveal 4 patches)
Max: Dad, Veronica's hogging the bathroom again. She's in there drying her hair and she won't let me in.
George: Do you really need to use the bathroom, or are you just trying to sneak in there and peak at your cousin blow-drying her hair again?
Max: Dad, if I really wanted to spy on her, I'd lean a ladder against the tree and use the periscope I built in shop class. So thank you for not trusting me.
(George, Angie, and Max go upstairs)
George: Come on, Veronica. Open up.
(Veronica comes out another door)
Veronica: I'm not in there. I never shower when Max is home, not since I found him in the hamper.
Angie: You're mom needs help.
George: Shock therapy. I'll fill the bath tub with water, you get the hair dryer.
(George announced smoking was banned)
Benny: I know my rights!
George: Of course you do. They've been read to you every New Years Eve since I was seven!