Carmen says that she will be turning 16 on Saturday, but later, Angie said she's turning 16 on Friday.
Angie: She's not ready for the emotional consequences that go along with a sexual relationship and clearly we are not emotionally prepared to deal with our daughter crossing the threshold into womanhood!
George: That's it!
Angie: If you could teach Carmen to bore a guy like you just bored me, no one would want to sleep with her!
Carmen: (Dressed in revealing clothes) I'm gonna distract Jason with my body, and destroy him with my mind.
Benny: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I've distracted with my body. Hell, I've destroyed with my body. I remember one time when I distracted one guy while I destroyed the other.
George: I remember that day. You forgot to put a sock on the front door and I walked in on you. That was not a good Mother's Day for me.
Angie: Carmen's having her first meeting with the debate team.
George: What? Carmen made the debate team?
Angie: Uh huh.
George: Did they need a cryer? (Imitating Carmen, sniffling) Testing makeup on animals should be outlawed. Because bunnies are cute! And it burns their eyes! And then they're blind and they hop into traffic! See, my mascara's running, they died for nothing!
Carmen: What other criteria do I have to meet in order to have sex?
George: You have to be married... or have a letter from the Pope.
Carmen: Don't be such a hypocrite dad. What, were you married when you lost your virginity?
George: Your mother was the first woman I was with, and I married her.
Carmen: Soooo, you've only had sex with one woman?
George: Don't say it like that! That's the way its supposed to be!
Angie: I'm many women for your father.
Carmen: (disgusted) OH GOD! That's why you have the wigs!
George: Carmen, we're not getting you birth control pills! You're too young to have sex!
Angie: Has Jason been pressuring you?
Carmen: No, no, this is my idea. I want to take responsibility for my body. And when the time comes, condoms are important, but they're not gonna be enough. Its only 98% effective against pregnancy. I wanna be sure that I'm absolutely safe.
George:... What do you mean "when the day comes?"
Carmen: Well, lets talk about that together. (she grabs a calendar) How does March work for you?
(George stares in shock)
George: I'm not gonna pick the day my daughter loses her virginity! And I'm sure as hell not gonna do it on my nice golfing dogs calendar! That's just wrong!
(Angie is trying to persuade George to lie down with her)
George: This is why our daughter's a sexual predator! She gets it from you!
George: I talked to Jason. Carmen's the one who wants to have sex.
Angie: She's pressuring him?!
George: That's right. You're so full of lust, you can't see the truth!
(George, Angie, Benny and Vic are arguing about Carmen having birth-control)
Benny: Come one, lets get real here. I got knocked up when I was 16. Do you want that to happen to Carmen?
Carmen: Well I just want everyone to know that I have not had sex yet. And when that day comes, you will all get an e-mail.
(George and Angie corner Benny in the garage after finding out she took Carmen to get birth control pills)
Benny: Before you say anything, I wanna own up and take full responsibility for driving her there. But VIC was the one who told her about the free clinic, and told her she didn't need her parent's permission to get birth control. There, I've said it, let the chips fall where they may. To recap: its Vic's fault.
Angie:(shocked) Daddy, is that true?
Vic: Look, this wasn't easy for me, and I told Carmen that I did not condone her behavior. But she said she was intent on doing this, and I told her about the free clinic. I did what any other doctor would do. Of course, its just information. It means nothing, unless somebody DRIVES her there!
George: You're grandparents! You're supposed to tell them what it was like when bread was a nickle, not pimp em' out!
(Carmen wants birth control pills)
George: We're gonna figure out a way to stop Carmen.
Benny: Oh no. This is gonna happen one of two ways: planned and protected, or hot and spontaneous.
Benny: Hey, both have their advantages. One way you don't get pregnant. The other way... wow!
(George throws his mom out the door)
Angie: Does your mom always have to be so blunt?
(Vic comes in)
Vic: Look, I didn't want to say this in front of Carmen, but this is going happen one of two ways: smart and with protection... or in a field of tobacco under a Cuban moon with the gunfire of revolution in the background. WOW!
George: I want you to admit it: you're pushing my daughter to have sex.
Jason: I haven't even brought it up.
George: Don't lie to me.
Jason: I'm not, I swear.
George: Then why did she ask us for birth control pills?
Jason: (excited) Really, she asked for birth control? No way! (George give Jason the look) No way should you allow her to have those. No
George: So this wasn't your idea?
Jason: Look Mr.Lopez, I'm walking on eggshells with Carmen as it is, alright? I would never do anything to pressure her. I'm just glad she took me back.
George: Damn! So it was her idea. All this time, I've been worried about boys pressuring her. I even told her all the tricks that guys would use to get her in bed. OH MY GOD, I gave her a playbook! No matter what she says, nobody likes to just lie there naked and hug.
Carmen: I know why the cage bird sings! (walks away)
George: Well, you're crazy if you think we're getting you a sweater and a bird!
(Vic admitted he told Carmen where to get birth control)
Vic: I stand by my decision.
George:(ticked) Yeah? Did you give Angie the pill when she was 16?
Vic: Absolutely not... I gave it to her sister Gloria.
Angie: WHAT?! How could you give it to her and not me?
Vic: 'Cause when I said that sex was a sacred bond that should only occur between a married man and his wife, you believed me. She didn't.
Benny: I didn't want to say anything in front of Carmen, but you can't stop her. When I was 16, my dad said he would kill me, and I believed him, and I still did it.
George: Yeah, well Carmen's not you. She's not willing to do anything for a cheeseburger and a ride home.
Bennt: It was raining... and it was chicken nuggets. This is how rumors start!
Angie: You're going to be alright, Max, but all the same I'll call the poison control center.
Max: What's going on?
George: You accidentally took some of your sister's birth control pills.
Max: What's going to happen?
George: We're going to kill Carmen, and if you're anything like you're mother, you'll experience some tenderness around your breasts.
Max: My stomach hurts.
Angie: What's the matter?
Max: Well, I was in Carmen's room and I found some mints. But they didn't taste right.
Carmen: What's up?
George: Your brother ate some of your mints and he doesn't feel good.
Carmen: What mints?
Max: The ones that are in the little tin in your winter jacket under the bed.
Carmen: Oh my God! Oh, those mints, they were probably just stale. So how many did you take?
Max: I ate five, Monday through Friday.
George: What do you mean Monday through Friday?
Max: There's like a whole month's worth on this wheel.
George: (to Carmen) YOU'RE ON THE PILL?!
Carmen: AH!... So is Max!