Carmen: Whatever [George] says, it wasn't my fault.
Angie: What happened? Do we have to wash the car... or bury anything?
Max: Carmen's upset. Jason's been cheating on her with Cindy.
Angie: (Covers Max's ears) The girl who does everything? (George nods)
Max: So apparently she does everything.
Officer: (About Carmen) This one was driving without a license, (About Max) this one wasn't wearing a seatbelt and this one (About Benny) has an expired license and had an open beer in the car.
George: I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but shouldn't that one be cuffed?
Carmen: Are you sure I'm old enough to wear dresses, or should I go to prom in a onesie?
George: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Snaps at the crotch, I don't think so.
Officer: Are you George Lopez?
George: No. I'm Mark Wallman, I just moved here from Salt Lake. I sell lumber.
Benny: I crawled back home at about five in the morning.
Carmen: Did you hear that Dad?
George: Mom, tell her what you were doing.
Benny: I worked a double shift, then I went to Thirsty's then I went home and breast fed your father.
George: You never breast fed me!
Benny: Oh. Wonder who that was...
Carmen: Should I go the usual way home?
George: No, I want to go down Van Nuys, across Magnolia, then up Reseda.
Carmen: Oh, that's cool. We're taking the major streets so I can practice passing.
George: No, that way we pass three hospitals and a church in case I need last rites.
(Carmen driving too fast)
George: I don't wanna yell but not ready to die. Pull over now!
Carmen: You said you wouldn't yell at me.
George: Look are you insane? You're driving like a crazy woman!
Carmen: I had plenty of time to pull over. I was just mad.
George: Why? Because some guy you break up with every other week is taking another girl to the prom?
Carmen: He's been cheating on me for a month! God I feel like such an idiot.
George: Then kill him. Not us.
Carmen: Hello Jason(comes down with Jason's stuff in a sexy outfit).
Jason: I've never seen that outfit before.
Carmen: I got your stuff.
Jason: I-I've never seen that outfit before.
Carmen: I just want to let you know that if it doesn't work out with Cindy you wanna call me,(throws his stuff out the door)don't.Now that you know what you're losing,you go to hell.
Carmen: God that felt good.
Angie: Carmen,I'm so proud of you. You finally stood up for yourself.
George: Yeah. Now I don't ever want to you dress like a hooker again. Now go upstairs and put that back in your mom's closet.
Benny: George, come on. You of all people know that I can drink a beer and watch a kid.
George: What are you talking about? You never watched me! The neighbors had to pitch in to build a fence to keep me from crawling in the street!
George: Baby, are you alright?
Carmen: I think so.
George: Not you, my truck.
Ernie: (reading the sign Benny has to wear) "Ask me how I endangered my Grandchildren's lives". Turn around so I can see the answer.
Benny: Bend over and I'll give it to you.