George Lopez Season 2 Episode 1

George: Wow. I've never seen my mom run from somebody before.
Cecilia: Your mom? (Gasps) Georgie Lopez! It's been so long! (Hugs George)
George: Whoa, how drunk was I?

George: Is that my dad?
Angie: No. That was a lonely 19 year-old sick in bed with mono.
George: He's got mono. He ain't that lonely.

George: Get the dog on his leash and walk him.
Max: He can't walk.
George: Then take him outside and squeeze him until he pees.
Angie: Oh here, take this, (hands Max a kitchen strainer) in case he passes a kidney stone.

Max: How come you never wrote a song for me?
George: Well, I did but, it got changed over the years. (Singing) If you're happy and you know it, my son Max!

Benny: You know I had a dog as a kid that needed alot of special care. Then someday, someone left the back gate open and "Boop!", everything was all better!

George: I just want a straight answer from you. Why didn't you tell me my father was alive?
Benny: It was none of your business.
George: None of my business? No, how you got a pair of men's shoes in your trunk is none of my business! How you got a "Tupac Lives" bumper sticker on your car is none of my business!

George: If my dad's alive, who knows what else my mom lied to me about? Maybe Santa Claus does like Mexican kids!

Angie: When are you going to tell Max that your dad was a drunken smoker with a gambling problem and killed by alcohol?
George: He wasn't killed by alcohol, he was hit by a beer truck!

Ernie: Hey George, Benny. What are you guys doing here?
George: My mom wanted to check out the new "Buy Your Stuff" warehouse.
Ernie: Mine too. Are we pathetic or what?
Benny: Hey, George is only here to reach the high stuff. You're here because you still live with your mom, freak.

(George sees a dog on the table)
Max: This is our new dog.
George: Well he doesn't smell new.

George(to the dog): Don't make me get the shovel! My mom taught me that one!