Gilligan suggests a beauty contest to decide which of the three women will become "Ms. Castaway."
Thurston Howell III
Jonas Grumby (The Skipper)
Eunice Wentworth 'Lovey' Howell
Mary Ann Summers
Alan Hale, Russell Johnson, and Bob Denver were all smokers, so it's likely one of them left the butt!
In one scene Gilligan falls on the ground, be sure to look for the cigarette butt in the sand...I don't recall any of the castaways smoking.
(Gladys, the gorilla wins Miss Castaway.)
Mary Ann: She's prettier than we are?
Lovey: And you call yourself an American.
Gilligan: That's just it, Mrs. Howell. We're all Americans except her.
Thurston: What's that got to do with it?
Gilligan: Well to enter a beauty contest, you have to be a native and she's the only one born on the island.
Professor: He's got a point there.
Gilligan: Besides if I picked one of the ladies, I'd get in trouble.
Skipper: Well, he's got a point there, too.
Gilligan: If I picked Gladys, I can't get in any trouble.
Lovey: I'm not going to make an unrehearsed speech, or a speech that's wonderful, marvelous, terrific. I'm just going to say thank you Judge, for being the con of an American mother.
Ginger: Thank you. First of all, I'd like to thank all of you wonderful people for allowing me to be in this wonderful contest. It really is a wonderful experience, and it just makes a girl feel wonderful,
Ginger: Second of all, I'd like to thank all of you marvelous people for allowing me to be in this marvelous contest. It really is a marvelous experience and makes a girl feel marvelous.
Professor: Thank you very much, Ginger.
Ginger: I'm not finished yet. For allowing me to be in this terrific contest.
Professor: Ginger, your time is up.
Ginger: It's a terrific experience.
Professor: Thank you very much.
Professor: Now you just relax dear and you tell us in your own sweet, charming, simple way what it is that you want most out of life.
Mary Ann: (obviously rehearsed) I would like a world without strife, universal harmony, international goodwill, where the spirit of brotherhood enriches all of mankind forever. Thank you.
Thurston: How revolting.
Professor: Thank you, Mary Ann for that sincere, unselfish, and unrehearsed speech.
Thurston: Gilligan, I'm a man of few words. What will it cost to get your vote? A yacht, a villa on the Riviera, controlling interest in the Golden Gate Bridge?
Gilligan: Mr. Howell, you're trying to bribe a judge.
Thurston: No, no, no, just testing your honesty and may I say that you came through with flying colors!
Gilligan: Then you're not trying to influence me?
Thurston: No, no cherish the thought. Let's sit down and chat a whole, shall we?
Gilligan: Okay. What about?
Thurston: Mrs. Howell, of course.
Gilligan: Oh what's her problem?
Thurston: Any women's most cherished possession: her pride. I mean look at it this way. Mrs. Howell, a woman of renown, competing in an ordinary contest like that. It isn't fair. It isn't equitable. It isn't democratic, if you'll pardon the expression. Now, suppose your own mother was running against Tuesday Weld.
Gilligan: Tuesday Weld?
Thurston: Who would you vote for?
Gilligan: I'd choose mom.
Thurston: You're absolutely right. A vote for Mrs. Howell is a vote for those ladies that deserve our recognition: the American wife and American mother and private enterprise.
Professor: There's a girl on this island to whom victory would be the pinnacle, the attainment of all her unspoken dreams, her unfulfilled desires. Do you know who I'm talking about?
Gilligan: I don't even know what you're talking about.
Professor: All right, follow me, Gilligan. Now, first there's Ginger. Well she's made her mark in the world. For the rest of her life, she can talk about her fabulous career. Now consider Mrs. Howell. She's got her fabulous husband, and then, there is Mary Ann. Pretty, sweet, little Mary Ann. Now what does she have that could be considered really and truly fabulous?
Gilligan: Her butterfly collection?
Professor: Oh try to understand, Gilligan. Mary Ann needs to be Miss Castaway as the other two couldn't possibly and you can do this for her, Gilligan.
Skipper: Gilligan, there's a broken heart for every light on Broadway and we have one right here on this island.
Gilligan: A light on Broadway?
Skipper: No, Gilligan, a broken heart. Now, think about it. If you had Broadway lying at your feet and it was all smashed to smithereens, what would you do?
Gilligan: Stay off Broadway.
Gilligan: (talking to gorilla) A friendly little beauty contest. You know what I think, Gladys? It's about as friendly as World War II.
Mary Ann: Gilligan's happiness means more to us that anything else in the world.
Gilligan: If everyone's so happy, why, are you mad at each other?
Lovey: Who's gonna vote for me over those two beautiful young girls?
Thurston: But my dear, you're a Howell, and no one can beat a Howell.
Lovey: Yes, but does everybody think like a Howell?
Thurston: Now, wait, are you or are you not rich enough to be the most beautiful woman wherever you go?
Lovey: Thurston, I'm afraid it's hopeless. Unless, of course, we can convince Gilligan to vote for me.
Thurston: Wait a minute, do you think I'm the type of man who would try to influence a judge in a fair and square contest?
Lovey: Yes, Thurston.
Thurston: You know me pretty good, don't you?
Mary Ann: Well Professor, I bet you never thought you'd be coaching a beauty contest.
Professor: Mary Ann, the combination of your natural attributes and my scientific approach will prove unbeatable. Look. Seaweed shampoo for lustrous hair, crushed blackberries for darkening the lashes, powdered hibiscus for ruby lips, and coconut oil for baby-soft skin.
Mary Ann: Just add a little vinegar and I could enter the contest as a Caesar salad.
Professor: Leave it to me. By the time science and I are through you'll make Ginger and Mrs. Howell look like dropouts from Boys Town.
Mary Ann: What's the fishing pole for?
Professor: Well that's to provide you with a form of isometric exercise.
Mary Ann: Isometric exercise?
Professor: Yes. Always remember that true beauty is the end result of the inner glow of good health. And isometric exercise provides for the interplay of muscle against muscle to improve the general physique.
Lovey: You know. There's really more to beauty than perfection of face and figure. It also means breeding and poise and a kind of charm that comes with maturity.
Thurston: How true.
Theme of episode: Sometimes using a technicality can help you avoid make a no-win decision.
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