Gilmore Girls Season 1 Episode 15

Emily: Straub is actually a good man. Very smart. He was one of the top lawyers in his field, a very arcane aspect of International law. And he's always been so active in his community. His charity work has never diminished over the years. (she pauses) Oh let's face it - he's a big ass. [Rory laughs] Rory, I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening and I know you've heard a lot of talk about it in the past. But I want to make this very clear - you, young lady, your person and your existence have never ever been - not even for a second -included in that list. Do you understand me?
Rory: Yeah, I do.

Emily: You usually knock.
Lorelai: Not since you gave us a key.
Emily: That is for emergencies.
Lorelai: Well mom, I'm starving to death. Is that enough of an emergency for you?

Christopher: I can be a family man. I'm responsible now.
Lorelai: Honey, you can't even buy a book without having your credit card declined.
Christopher: I told Rory not to rat me out. I can't believe she did that!
Lorelai: She didn't. Andrew from the bookstore called, and Jackson, and the UPS guy, and ooh, it was the lead story on the Stars Hollow web page. Then I asked Rory, and she very reluctantly confirmed it. "Rat me out". What are you, 16?
Christopher: I'm sorry.
Lorelai: And what are you doing telling my daughter to lie to me, anyway?
Christopher: She's my daughter, too.
Lorelai: More like your playmate!

Rory: How's Diane?
Christopher: Diane is ancient history.
Rory: When I met her at Easter, you said she could be the one.
Christopher: The one to be gone by Memorial Day.
Rory: You're worse than Mom.
Lorelai: Low blow!
Christopher: Can't keep a feller happy?
Lorelai: Oh, I keep them happy. I keep them very happy.
Rory: Okay, now, don't get gross.

Lorelai: You remember Rory. You haven't seen her in quite a while.
Straub: No, we haven't.
Francine: I think she was just beginning to speak in complete sentences.
Lorelai: So not for two years, then! (long, awkward pause, nobody laughs) I....she's obviously been talking a long time, so I was making a humorous comment sometimes referred to as a joke.
Straub: I see you haven't changed, Lorelai.
Lorelai: No, not at all.

Emily: I didn't hear the doorbell.
Lorelai: We didn't ring the doorbell.
Emily: You let yourselves in?
Lorelai: It's okay, Mom. Look, not a rapist among us.

Straub: Tell me, Lorelai. What have you been doing with your life anyway, besides hating successful businessmen? I'm just curious.
Emily: Why don't we all go into the dining room?
Lorelai: Well, um, Straub, I run an inn near Stars Hollow.
Straub: Really?
Lorelai: Yes, really.
Christopher: Dad, come on.
Straub: Nice to see you found your calling.
Emily: Dinner's ready.
Francine: Christopher, your tie.
Christopher: Mom, please.
Straub: (to Lorelai) And is your life everything you hoped it would be?
Lorelai: Yes, it is.
Straub: Because it seems to me that you might not want to take such a haughty tone when you announce to the world that you work in a hotel.

Luke: So, Rory was at the game today.
Lorelai: Oh, yeah.
Luke: Yeah, she was with some guy.
Lorelai: Dean.
Luke: No, I know that punk. Some older guy.
Lorelai: Oh. That would have been her dad.
Luke: Really? So he's....
Lorelai: The guy who impregnated me with Rory, yes.
Luke: Yeah. He did a good job.
Lorelai: Impregnating me with Rory?
Luke: Okay, this has taken a very weird turn.
Lorelai: Yeah. (Luke leaves quickly)

Richard: Lorelai, what are you going to take away from this? That everything that happened in the past is suddenly fine because I defended you?
Lorelai: No.
Richard: That the hell you put your mother and me through over the past 16 years is suddenly washed away? Well, it's not!
Lorelai: We've all been through hell, Dad.
Richard: I had to tell my friends, my colleagues, that my only daughter, the brightest in her class, was pregnant and leaving school.
Lorelai: That must have been devastating.
Richard: Then you ran away and treated us as lepers. Your mother couldn't get out of bed for a month! Did you know that? Did you?
Lorelai: No.
Richard: We did nothing to deserve that! Nothing to earn that!

Lorelai: All right, I get it. I'm horrible. So why don't you disown me and adopt Christopher? You love him.
Richard: Oh, don't be a martyr, Lorelai. And don't be naive. Do you think I love the boy who got my daughter pregnant? I wanted to kill him. I would have, too, with my bare hands! But there was a proper procedure to be followed in a situation like this.
Lorelai: Marriage.
Richard: Christopher was willing to follow the plan we laid out. You weren't.
Lorelai: What about what I wanted? Dad, didn't that mean anything to you?
Richard: Sometimes, one has to sacrifice something in order to do what is right.
Lorelai: (speechless) I.....I feel indescribably sad for you right now, Dad.
Richard: Well, save your emotions, Lorelai. I've had quite enough of them tonight.

Rory: (about Christopher's parents) These are my other grandparents. I don't even know them. What do I call them?
Christopher: Call them what I call them. Ass--
Lorelai: Chris!
Christopher: Sorry, my tie's too tight.....
Lorelai: Just call them Straub and Francine. Nah, just call them Mr. and Mrs. Hayden. Sir and ma'am? (pauses) Why don't you just avoid calling them anything?

Christopher: (about Rory's boyfriend) She has a Dean?
Lorelai: She has a Dean.
Christopher: How did this happen?
Lorelai: Well, long ago, a single-celled organism crawled out of the primordial ooze, and that pretty much led to Dean.
Christopher: I think I need a beer.

Rory: I'm gonna go study before the food gets here.
Christopher: What? Tomorrow's Saturday!
Rory: I know, but I like to get all my weekend homework done and out of the way by Saturday so I can do extra credit stuff on Sunday. (leaves)
Lorelai: (to Christopher) Don't look at me.
Christopher: She's a great kid, Lor. I wish I could say I saw more of myself in her, other than the fact that we have similar left earlobes, but she's all you. Chip off the old perfect block.
Lorelai: Why the hell are you here?
Christopher: Behold the queen of the sudden transition!

Rory: (making a bed for her father on the couch) I just want him to be comfortable.
Lorelai: He's gonna come and go as he pleases, babe. You know that.
Rory: I know.
Lorelai: And no amount of bedding is going to change that.
Rory: But he's never been to Stars Hallow before.
Lorelai: I know.
Rory: So that means something's gotta be different, right?
Lorelai: Why don't you just enjoy the time you've got, okay?
Rory: (long pause) Yeah. Okay.

Rory: So where did you guys go?
Lorelai: Nowhere.
Rory: Where's nowhere?
Christopher: Where we were.

Richard: This little girl is quite smart, Strobe. She could even give you a run for your money.
Strobe: Oh? (Stares at Rory, who stares at the floor) I think my money will be safe.

Lorelai: I hate President Bush.
Strobe: What?!
Emily: Lorelai!
Christopher: Oh boy…
Lorelai: He's stupid!

Jackson: Yes, it is her real dad. He seems very nice, kinda a folkey, poppy, urban, gruffly look to him. And obviously there's some money mixed in there, cause he has a money nose and...
(Women coughs. Jackson turns around to see Christopher and Rory standing there)

Lorelai: (sigh) I've gotta see my parents.
Christopher: (sigh) I've gotta see my parents.
Rory: Ladies and gentlemen, the drama king and queen of Connecticut.

Christopher: (on phone with Emily) Well, I'm actually sitting here with your girls. (hands the phone to Lorelai) She wants to speak to you.
Lorelai: Mm. Hi Mom.
Emily: Lorelai, Christopher's in town!
Lorelai: (gasps) What?! I didn't know! Although, coincidently I'm sitting across from an amazing Christopher hologram.

(the morning after the dinner fiasco with Lorelai's and Christopher's parents)
Christopher: Lor?
Lorelai: What?
Christopher: I want to marry you.
Lorelai: And the hits just keep on coming.

Lorelai: (to Christopher) And to top off the whole fabulous fiasco, I stood up a friend of mine who was counting on me and - and he just stood there looking hurt with the paint and the chairs and it hurt me. And it's not your fault but in this parade of stupid and dumb, I am the one twirling the flaming baton!

Emily: You remember Straub and Francine don't you?
Lorelai: Oh, yes, the Schnickelfritzes.
Emily: The who?
Lorelai: (rolls eyes) The Haydens.

Lorelai: My father almost hit someone. My father has probably only hit another man in college, wearing boxing gloves and one of those Fred Mertz golden gloves pullover sweaters.
Christopher: Fred Mertz?
Lorelai: I Love Lucy - Fred Mertz.
Christopher: Landlord to Ricki, husband to Ethel, I know. It's just a weird reference.
Lorelai: (pointing at the pajamas, she's wearing) Hello, pajamas.

Christopher: And you brought up Bush because...
Lorelai: It seemed like a good idea at the time.