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Lorelai: (drunk, giving a speech at Lane's wedding) Hello. Some of you know me as Lorelai Gilmore, and some of me know me as Cher, but either way, I wanted to say a few words about our girl. I've known Lane forever, and I'm just so incredibly happy that she has gotten married. I mean, I am just so happy that this adorable 22-year-old girl has gotten married, because it's amazing, you know? It's really hard to get married. Believe me, I should know. I mean, seriously, because Lane is married, and next thing, it'll be my daughter, and then my granddaughter, but not me. I'm not getting married. No, it ain't for me. It's not in the cards. But hey, do you know what date I'm not getting married? June 3. Do not save the date. Do you hear me? Do whatever you want on June 3, because there's nothing at all going on that day. If there's anything you need to book, it's totally safe to book it on June 3, So congratulations, Lane and Zack. Who else here had eight shots of tequila, huh? Hands? Nobody? Hmm. Oh, God, who misses the yummy bartenders? I know, me too, they're so great. I was gonna ask them to not work on June 3, on my not wedding day. I just thought that would be so fun.
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Lorelei: Lorelei Gilmore: disappointing mothers since 1968.
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Mrs. Kim: People will think things, bad things.
Lorelai: Like what?
Mrs. Kim: Like you're a tramp and possibly for sale.
Lorelai: Wow. Suddenly, Footloose, not seeming so silly.
Mrs. Kim: What are we going to do?
Lorelai; Well, I guess, first of all, I think we need to agree on a price.
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Lorelai: Some of you know me as Lorelai Gilmore. But others know me as Cher.
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Mrs. Kim: Okay. I have to go back to work. I will see you and Luke at the wedding.
Lorelai: Yes, you will. I mean, you'll see me. Luke is out of town, but I'm going to take pictures and make him feel really bad he missed it. It's a thing we do.
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Lane: (about the dress) I hope you made a matching blindfold so Zach doesn't actually have to see me in it.
Lorelai" Now, hun, you're going to look beautiful. You have a very pretty face, and you have hands and feet. To some guys, the stuff in between is just annoying.
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Lane: (whispers to Lorelai about the dress) You couldn't have set it on fire?
Lorelai: Dude, there's not enough lighter fluid in the world.
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Lorelai: Rory, your father has something he wants to tell you.
Chris: Yes, I just want to apologize for my Sidekick stalking. I realize now that I have a problem.
Lorelai: Which is the first step to recovery. The second step is that he's now giving the Sidekick to me!
Rory: No!
Lorelai: Heh!
Rory: That's worse!
Lorelai: (miming using the Sidekick) Hi Rory! What are you doing? What are you wearing? What are you thinking? What about now? Do you miss me? Do you think I'm pretty? Where do babies come from?
Rory: Thanks a lot, mister.
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Lorelai: You know, I remember the day I met Lane. It was Rory's first day of Kindergarten, and she insisted on wearing my Chico and the Man t-shirt, which I thought would either elicit confused shrugs or label her as the weird seventies sitcom kid. And we walked in the classroom, and Lane came running up to her and offered to share her crayons with her and I was so grateful, 'cause I thought even if Lane turned out to be a psycho bad seed serial killer kid, at least Rory had a friend. Who knew it would turn out to be a lifelong friendship?
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Rory: I'm not one for speeches, and I don't have any incriminating picture of Lane to share, but I do have this letter. This letter was written in 1995 by one Lane Kim. It was slipped into my hand during a spelling test in Miss Mallen's class. I was so shocked by its contents that I missed the word 'automobile'. O-T-T-O-mobile. That's right, Lane. I remember. I will now share with you the contents of this letter. "Dear Rory. How was your lunch? Mine was bad. Did you have ham again? If you did, I am sorry, but mine was worse. I thought you should know that today at recess, I decided that I am going to marry Alex Bacchus. He has a very nice head and his ears don't stick out like Roddy Winston's do. I will love him forever, no matter what. See you at Brownies. Love, Lane." I'm sorry, Lane, I just thought that Zach should know that in your heart he will always be second place to Alex Bacchus and his well-proportioned ears.
Lane: (to Zach) It's true.
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(As the church empties after the second wedding)
Jackson: That wedding was just the way I like them: short and in a language I can't understand.
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(over the phone)
Lorelai: Hello?
Michel: I just got tickets to Celine Dion.
Lorelai: What?
Michel: My friend Tessa just called and told me she has front-row tickets to Celine Dion and I'm going with her!
Lorelai: Well that's great.
Michel: I have been waiting for forever to get this close to Celine. Oh my God, I'm shaking like a leaf! What should I wear? What would Celine like me in?
Lorelai: I don't know Michel, but I'm on my way to pick you up.
Michel: Oh no, don't bother, I'm not going to the wedding.
Lorelai: What? Why not?
Michel: Because I'm going to Celine Dion - hello! What have I been saying to you?
Lorelai: No, Michel, you have to go to the wedding!
Michel: I'm sorry, I cannot.
Lorelai: Well, you've already seen Celine Dion.
Michel: Only five times and never in the front row. I was in the balcony with the riffraff and the people who sneak in pot.
Lorelai: Michel you have to go. I need an escort.
Michel: Find someone there. That's why single women go to weddings.
Lorelai: I am not single! I'm engaged.
Michel: Lorelai, I'm sorry. In the future I owe you some kind of favor but tonight you're on your own.
Lorelai: Michel -
Michel: I must go, I'll bring you a mousepad. Bye-bye.
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(Picking out purses)
Lorelai: Which one says, "Hi, I'm not a whore, enjoy your day"?
Rory: The pink one.
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(Talking about Lorelai bring an escort to the wedding)
Mrs. Kim: You have to find someone to bring you, you have to find a man.
Lorelai: In one day, are you kidding me? It took me this long to find Luke.
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Lorelai: Lorelai Gilmore, disappointing mothers since 1968.
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Kirk: Excuse me Rory.
Rory: Yeah Kirk.
Kirk: Do you think he's yummy enough?
Rory: Who?
Kirk: Troy
Rory: The bartender?
Kirk: Yes, see I brought this company together for the sole purpose of bringing truly yummy bartenders to the lonely women of Stars Hollow, but they really have to be yummy, I'm talking mouth watering, tasty morsels of manhood, which by the way was the original name of the business but was taken already by a firm in Woodbridge.
Rory: Really.
Kirk: Yeah, well when I first met Troy he was the epitome of yummy, but now that I see him in the moonlight, I'm not so sure.
Rory: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it Kirk, I think Troy is plenty yummy.
Kirk: You do?
Rory: Yeah I really do... can I go now?
Kirk: Yes, enjoy your evening.
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Zach: Now, tonight is not only the night that I marry the coolest girl on the planet...But it is also the world premiere of the newly reunited Hep Alien!
(the band starts playing "I'm a Believer" by The Monkees)
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Lorelai: It's a mad house in here. How did you get all these seats together?
Miss Patty: Honey, I've been here all night.
Sookie: You're kidding. Why?
Miss Patty: 58 seats and 62 Koreans? Please.
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(As they are running through the streets of Stars Hollow)
Sookie: Nice day for a wedding.
Lorelai: Beautiful.
Jackson: Perfect weather.
Sookie: Why are we running?
Lorelai: 58 seats, 62 Koreans.
Sookie: (to Jackson) Fight for me, baby!
Jackson: I'm on it.
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(Grandma Kim's taxi drives off)
Mrs. Kim: Go!
(Everyone starts running, with Lorelai and Christopher caught in the middle)
Lorelai: Whoa! What the hell is happening? Are there bulls coming out of there?
Christopher: We would have heard the china breaking.
Lorelai: My God!
Rory: Why aren't you running?
Lorelai: Well, why should we be running?
Rory: To get to the church.
Lorelai: For what?
Rory: For the wedding.
Christopher: I thought that this was the wedding.
Rory: This is the grandmother's wedding. Now we do the mother's wedding.
Lorelai: Why do we have to run?
Rory: Because there's 58 seats and 62 Koreans.
(Lorelai grabs Christopher's hand and takes off)
Lorelai: Oh boy! Go!
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(Mrs. Kim and Grandma Kim are off-camera, arguing in Korean, during the first wedding ceremony)
Lorelai: (sighs) The universal sounds of family.
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Girl: Logan will be very disappointed.
Rory: Well, I'll have the soap and the keels and we'll reenact it when he gets back.
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Lorelai: Mrs. Kim, I'd like you to meet Christopher Hayden. He's Rory's father and a man.
Christopher: Did that really need clarification?
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Mrs. Kim: Lane, I have something very upsetting to tell you about.
Lane: Oh, what Mama?
Mrs. Kim: It concerns the wedding night.
Lane: Oh, boy.
Mrs. Kim: Yes, oh boy. Marriage is a job Lane. There are rewards that come with this job but there are also sacrifices. There are things you are going to have to do.
Lane: Things?
Mrs. Kim: Terrible things.
Lane: Mama, you don't have to.
Mrs. Kim: You need to hear this. You need to know what to expect. It will start early.
Lane: What will?
Mrs. Kim: The man's expectations. It starts early, at the wedding actually. At the wedding you are going to have to kiss him.
Lane: Mama!
Mrs. Kim: Then you will be expected to share a bed tonight and when you are in that bed you have to do it with this boy. You're just going to have to do it. Hopefully if you're lucky like me you'll only have to do it once.
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Lorelai: I talk fast. It's my gift.
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Lorelai: We are young temporarily single girls on the prowl. There has GOT to be something to do that we could be mortified about tomorrow!
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Rory: We could go to The Chimney Sweep.
Sookie: No, it burned down.
Rory: Ironic.
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Christopher: (impressed by all the Buddhist stuff in the Kim house) Is the Dali Lama coming?
Lorelai: Yeah, and he's eating chicken.
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Mrs. Kim: (to Lorelai) You need to bring a date to the wedding and Kirk does not count!
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Lorelai: We're doing shots!
Christopher: Yeah for 20 people. You know, I'm a respectable person in the community. I'm a father now.
Lorelai: This is how you became one.
Christopher: That's true. (They start drinking shots)
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Lane: My family's crazy!
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Lane: I want all boys!
Rory: Say Buddha!