Gilmore Girls Season 4 Episode 11

(After the old man Lorelai said would die falls down)
Sookie: It's okay, Hank's okay!
Rory: You cursed him!
Lorelai: I did not curse him! It could be anybody! It could be Bill, or Kirk...
(Kirk falls down)
Lorelai: We are the witches of Eastwick!

Lane: There are no Astronomy classes at Adventist College. That would imply the universe is old.

William: Hey, it's Madeleine Albright.
Rory: You know what? I do not appreciate you calling me that. In fact, I don't appreciate you talking to me, or about me at all.
William: Fine.
Rory: I know you've been telling the story.
William: What story?
Rory: The laundry room story. Remember the laundry room?
William: Machines, rinse cycle -
Rory: I asked you to get coffee, that's it. I did not ask you to get married, or say that I loved you, or ask to have your children. And I'm not stalking you! It was a complete coincidence that I happened to go into a meeting that you happened to be in. I had no idea you were there. And it's hard to ask someone out and it puts you in an incredibly vulnerable position! So, it's cruel to use that incident as a funny cocktail story. So from now on, I would appreciate it if you would refrain from telling the hilarious laundry room incident to anyone, anywhere, ever again.
William: I wasn't talking about you.
Rory: What?
William: There was this girl from the third floor, she asked me out like a 100 times. She followed me to class. She baked me a cake every day for a month, then she snuck in my window and hid in my closet, covered in whipped cream.
Rory: Oh, well - that is a little … extreme.
William: I didn't tell anybody about the laundry room.
Rory: Well, good. Um, do you think that you could maybe not tell anyone this story also, 'cause, that would be great. Thanks.

Lorelai: Oh, you missed a spot. This is really nice Luke. Hey, can we fight again 'cause I need my rain gutters cleaned.
Luke: You think everything is your business. Everything is about you! Well, here's a newsflash. Some things are not about you.
Lorelai: Why are you yelling at me?
Luke: If I want to move in with Nicole, it concerns her and it concerns me, and that is it.
Lorelai: Yeah, I know.
Luke: It does not concern you! It is none of your business! I don't have to tell you anything! And you do not have the right to make me feel guilty because I didn't tell you anything.
Lorelai: I wasn't trying -
Luke: I have been tying my own shoes since I was I was four, I have repairing my own car since I was fourteen, and I have been making my own decisions since I could crawl!
Lorelai: What does any of that have to do with anything?
Luke: I owe you nothing!
Lorelai: Fine.
Luke: Nothing!
Lorelai: Fine!
Luke: And shovel your walk! It is a safety hazard and you can't just walk past it and ignore the fact that the snow is up to your ass!
Lorelai: You've got my shovel!
Luke: I loaned it to you three years ago!

Lane: I'm weak. I have no spine.
Rory: If you had no spine you'd be walking funny.

Lane: (talking about a CD) So, how did you like it?
Rory: It's great, I burned a copy for my Mom.
Lane: You know, it's people like you who are destroying the music industry!
Rory: Oh, now. Britney's gotta shoulder some of the blame.

Lorelai: What, they lock the door to a church, are they serious? What if I need to do something holy?
Luke: Like commit vandalism?
Lorelai: Even she's sick of hearing the damn bells
Luke: I'm gonna have to break the lock.
Lorelai: No wait. [Gets out her wallet]
Luke: What are you doing?
Lorelai: All those years of watching Hart to Hart are about to pay off.
Luke: What is that?
Lorelai: It's my gym card.
Luke: You joined a gym?
Lorelai: Yeah.
Luke: When?
Lorelai: After I had Rory, to lose the pregnancy weight.
Luke: Did you go?
Lorelai: God, no. I was way too fat. [Manages to unlock the door with the card] Ah, praise be to Him and all the little lambs that frolic the earth with their frankincense and myrrh and -
Luke: Would you get inside?
Lorelai: Okay.

Rory: Well, I can't send you home to Mrs. Kim without a purse full of mini donuts.
Lane: You know, I believe that's how Mother Theresa got started.
Rory: Really, I heard it was Pixie Stix.

Rory: Mom, you have to do something.
Lorelai: I need a suggestion.
Rory: Have you read The Bell Jar?
Lorelai: Huh! Not funny!

Kirk: Yes, he said I have tinnitus. I looked it up on the web at "Celebrities Who Share Your Disease" and found that William Shatner is likewise afflicted.
Lorelai: Really, Kirk and Captain Kirk?
Kirk: The irony wasn't lost on me.

Lorelai: Because he's 110.
Rory: Hank's 110?
Lorelai: No.
Rory: Why would you say that?
Lorelai: Because, that's the age you say when someone is really old.

Luke: No, why would I have two toolboxes?
Lorelai: 'Cause then you'd have a big one and a small one.
Luke: Well, if you have a big one you don't need a small one.
(Lorelai starts to speak but Luke interrupts) Don't say 'dirty', it's too easy.

Lorelai: You want me to call you at Yale in the middle of the night so I can say: "Hey, drive 20 miles to stand in the snow with Mommy?"
Rory: Yes.
Lorelai: And then we take the 'Craziest Mother-Daughter-Title' from Judy and Liza.

Mrs. Kim: How long?
Lane: How long what?
Mrs. Kim: How long … this.
Lane: I started it when I was six, the day you told me the Cookie Monster was one of the seven deadly sins.
Mrs. Kim: Gluttony.
Lane: Yes, gluttony.

Sookie: I have friends there.
Lorelai: What? Where?
Sookie: The CIA.
Lorelai: No, you don't!
Sookie: Yes, I ... ah, you didn't mean the Culinary Institute of America, did you?