Gilmore Girls

Emily: I think we should consider getting her a membership at the club, don't you? Lorelai: If she wants, sure. Emily: I mean, to have a place to go where she could socialize. That's very important to a young girl. Lorelai: Well, now, especially that the crack den has closed down on the corner, all her really good friends are gone. What do you think, Mom, should I pursue the career in comedy?

Lorelai: You know what I was thinking? Rory: That Madonna and Sean Penn should get remarried? Lorelai: Besides that.

Lorelai: (On the phone) Dad? (pause) Yeah, it's Lorelai. Who else calls you 'Dad'?

Michel: (Holding a phone) It's for you. He says he's your father, although why he'd volunteer that freely, I don't know. Lorelai: My father? Michel: Yes. Lorelai: Are you sure? Michel: Please just take the phone.

Lorelai: Oh, my God, you have good handwriting. Rory: Thank you. Lorelai: You did not get that from me. Your fabulous flair you got from me. Rory: I also got my deviated septum from you. Lorelai: Hey, focus on the flair.

Miss Patty: (Dancing with one of the grooms) You know, in some countries, if you dance this close, you're cheating on your wife.

Luke: I thought you were starving. Lorelai: Things change. Move on.

Lorelai: Wow! Sounds like you really had a good time. Rory: I did. Lorelai: Really? Rory: Really. Lorelai: Really? Rory: Really. Lorelai: Really? Rory: Okay, new word now.

Rory: (to Lorelai) I'm not hungry. I had a big lunch at the club. Luke: (walking over) With all the other devastators of our land. Rory: Luke, I'm really sorry. I didn't know.

Lorelai: Luke, am I mistaken, or did the sign on the door say "open."

Lorelai: What's with the hat? Rory: Grandma gave it to me. Lorelai: Oh, now that's just mean. Rory: It's not that bad. Lorelai: Do you want a mirror? Rory: I'm taking it off.

Lorelai: (to Rory) My God. This day, the swans, the tulle, my head. (to Luke) Luke, I need the largest cheeseburger in the world. Let's break a record, Mister.

Luke: Interesting hat. Rory: I went golfing with my grandfather today. Luke: Did you know that golf courses are an environmental blight because of the chemicals they use to keep the grass green? Rory: Actually, I did. (Luke stares at her) Rory: Bad joke. Sorry.

Rory: She caught him in the pool house with the tennis pro, not the riding instructor. Richard: I had no idea. Rory: That committee of yours is not looking at people as much as you think. Richard: Oh, why would they? From what you've told me, they're all involved in one nefarious activity after another. Rory: It's a conspiracy. Richard: It's Peyton Place. Is there more? Rory: Can you handle it? Richard: Oh, I'll steel myself. Rory: Okay, Mr. Neville likes all things frilly. Richard: Good God, he's my broker. Rory: I don't think one will affect the other.

Swan Man: Hey, where do you want the swans? Lorelai: Um, well, do you know where the pond is? Swan Man: Nope. Lorelai: Okay, you know that little road you came up? Swan Man: Nope. Lorelai: Okay, do you know how to say "big help" in Chinese? Swan Man: Nope. Lorelai: (to Michel) Michel! (to the Swan Man) This is twenty swans? Swan Man: Sure. Why not?

Richard: (to Rory after Gloria drives away in her golf cart) The most odious woman alive.

Lorelai: Tell me something happy. Sookie: I can't make the strawberry shortcake. Lorelai: Wow, you suck at this game.

Sookie: Well I've gotta make strawberry shortcake for two hundred people, so I think I'm gonna need strawberries. Jackson: Use the blueberries. Sookie: To make what? Jackson: Blueberry shortcake. Sookie: There's no such thing. Jackson: Hey, the world was flat until somebody took a boat trip.

Richard: Now, what do you know about golf? Rory: That it's a good walk spoiled.

Lorelai: You don't care at all, do you? Michel: To me you are the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoon. Lorelai: Okay, forget it.

Lorelai: Why don't you go up to your room and have a fabulous bubble bath. I'll send up some wine and a masseuse who bears a remarkable resemblance to Antonio Banderas. Mrs. Shales: How remarkable? Lorelai: Get ready to applaud. Mrs. Shales: This is my favorite place in the whole world.

Emily: Interesting, isn't it, you being the one who's controlling? Lorelai: I am not being… Emily: According to you, I was the only one in the family with that particular gift. Lorelai: Mom, I never said that! Emily: I guess you and I are more alike than you thought, aren't we? Lorelai: You win. Emily: Thank you.

Emily: (to Lorelai) Your father doesn't know what he wants. He'd get his hair cut at the butcher's, if I let him.

Emily: (to Lorelai) This is as far as I can go, unless you'd like me to bore my way through the wall.

Emily: (to Rory) You can use your mother's old golf clubs. They're upstairs gathering dust along with the rest of her potential.

Lorelai: I told her she should go out for the debating team. Rory: It's not a sport. Lorelai: It is, the way the Gilmores play.

Richard: Lorelai the First. Rory: I thought Mom was the first. Richard: No, no. Emily: Not in the name. Lorelai: No, but in so many other things, I was a regular Trailblazer. (to Emily) Just finishing your thought, Mom.

Sookie: Which one is which? Lorelai: I don't know. I think the one on the right is Matt. Michel: No, the one on the left is Matt. The one on the right is Mark. Lorelai: That's very impressive. Michel: Yes, well, I'm very good at observing people, you know, learning the tics and traits, sound of their voices. It's a gift. Sookie: That one has a Post-It on its back. Michel: Oh, well, then that's Mark. The one on the right is Matt. Lorelai: You will go and take that off of him. Michel: I will not. We can't all just call everyone 'sweetie' and get away with it. Sookie: Now, go with me, here. Let's say Mark walks into a hotel room and he sees his wife naked, but it's not his wife, it's his naked sister-in-law, and he has sex with her. Would that be cheating? Michel: My head hurts. Lorelai: (laughing) I think no. Sookie: Really? Lucky. Michel: If you ask me this union belongs on a public access station. It's against the laws of nature and just this short of completely obscene. Lorelai: Oh, you won't be giving the wedding toast.

Michel: Oh. Dear. Lorelai: What? (male twins have just walked in the front door) Michel: Are those -- ? Lorelai: No. It would be too -- (the twin brides rush into their grooms' arms) Lorelai: -- weird. Michel: You kept this from me on purpose. Lorelai: It's like a really snooty Doublemint commercial. Michel: Just let me know when the midgets and clowns arrive. (Michel tries to leave) Lorelai: Oh, no, no, no. You have to get them all settled in. Michel: I'm not talking to them. Lorelai: Yes you are. Michel: Well I'm not talking to them nicely.

Michel: I will never go near those filthy birds. Lorelai: Why? Michel: I hate the swans. Lorelai: These particular swans? Michel: No, all swans. I was attacked by a band of swans in the Luxembourg Gardens when I was a boy. No one forgets that. Lorelai: (laughing) Oh no -- not being attacked by a band of swans. Was it an all-boy band? Kind of a scary, feathery 'N Sync kind of fiasco? Michel: This is not funny. Lorelai: No, I'm sorry, it's not. It's not funny at all. (the swans honk and Michel jumps) Lorelai: (laughing again) Oh my God! Come on, you have to admit, that's a little funny.

Lorelai: Rory, I love you. I would take a bullet for you. But I'd rather stick something sharp in my ear than go to the club with you. Rory: Fine. Lorelai: I'd rather slide down a banister of razor blades and land in a pool of alcohol than go to the club with you. Rory: I got it. Lorelai: Don't stop me, I'm on a roll. I'd rather eat my own hand than go to the club with you. Ooh, I'd rather get my face surgically altered to look like that lunatic rich lady with the lion head than go to the club with you. Rory: Would you like me to drive so you can continue your diatribe? Lorelai: Would ya? Thanks. I'd rather cut off my head and use it as a punch bowl than go to the club with you.

Emily: You brought us used dessert? Lorelai: It's not used. It's left over. Emily: (coldly) How nice. I'll just put it in the kitchen next to my half-empty box of Cheer.

Lorelai: Is there a "You're Crazy" team? 'Cause I think they'd make you captain.

Lorelai: I'm talking about that you take my sweaters and you wear them and you stretch them out. Rory: I couldn't possibly stretch them out! Your boobs are way bigger than mine. Lorelai: That is not true. Rory: Yes it is. Lorelai: Your boobs are totally bigger than mine! Rory: You're crazy! Lorelai: Do you want to measure? Rory: What? Lorelai: I'm serious. Why don't you get the measuring tape right now? Rory: I am not going to measure my boobs. Lorelai: Because you know that you are totally bigger. Rory: I'm going inside. Lorelai: Fine, don't measure. We'll just compare bras.

Michel: The battle for soup versus salad is raging in the other room. Come quick and settle it, please, as I'm running out of French curse words that they won't understand.

Lorelai: A crazy evil spirit obsessed with bra size took over my body.

Mrs. Shales: Do you have children? Lorelai: A daughter. Mrs. Shales: Do you hate her? Lorelai: No. Mrs. Shales: Not ever? Lorelai: Well, I wasn't wildly fond of her during labor. Mrs. Shales: That was the high point for me.

Lorelai: The dinner was so wonderful, Mira. Sarah: It's Sarah. Lorelai: Oh, I'm sorry. (Sarah leaves) Lorelai: Mom! Her name is Sarah! Emily: I thought she said Mira. Lorelai: Ugh. Emily: Mira, come cut the cake please. Lorelai: Yes, and why don't you bring Sarah out here with you?

Emily: So, Lorelai, how are things at that charming little inn of yours? Lorelai: Mm -- they're still charming and little. We're just crossing our fingers it doesn't assert itself and become rude and large.

Mrs. Shales: Their father spoiled them. Lorelai: Oh, they're just excited. Mrs. Shales: They're spoiled. And they won't move away.

Lorelai: I'm sorry. Dad, how do you mix up Anton and Sophia? Richard: What do you mean? Lorelai: Well, one is a man and one is a woman. Richard: And your point being? Lorelai: That one is a man and one is a woman. Richard: I have a lot to do in a day, Lorelai. I don't have time to keep up with the multitudes of people that your mother employs. Lorelai: But one is a man and one is a woman.

Rory: Is it hard to become a member here? Richard: Everyone has to go through a thorough screening process. Rory: Kind of like the FBI? Richard: We're much more thorough than that.

Drella: (referring to Michel) Can't stand the talk. Love to watch the walk.