Gilmore Girls

Lorelai: Rory, this was a bad one, okay? This was not Nick and Nora, this was Sid and Nancy, and I'm not going in there. Rory: But the coffee is in there. And it's Danish Day. Are you seriously telling me that you're gonna let a stupid fight get in the way of Danish Day? Lorelai: No, I'm not. Rory: Good. Lorelai: So go in there and order two coffees and two Danishes to go. Rory: You're kidding, right? Lorelai: And don't forget the napkins. Rory: Mom, he's gonna know what's going on. He's not stupid. Lorelai: He cannot prove that you're not ordering all that for yourself, can he? No, so go on. Scoot, scoot. Mommy's right here.

Jess: Wanna play some poker? Five bucks a hand. Luke: No. Jess: Ten? I can't go any higher than ten. Luke: Jess- Jess: Okay, fifteen. Luke: I don't want to play poker. Jess: You sure? Luke: Yeah. Jess: Okie dokie.

Taylor: You're a very jaded man, Luke. What happened to you as a child? Luke: Some creepy guy in shorts and knee socks tried to sit me down under a tree and glue rocks together for two hours. Put that down!

Lorelai tries to get Jess to understand that Luke is trying to help him Jess: What are you sleeping with him or something? Lorelai: Excuse me? Jess: I don't know. The whole starry eyed 'you're so much better off, just give it a chance' speech. You're either really naïve, or you're getting some.

Luke: (On the phone) Hi, Liz. Yeah, he got here fine. Jess: Got here at ten this morning. Luke: Okay, hang on a sec. Jess? Jess: Pass. Luke: Jess, come on. Jess: Nope. Luke: What am I supposed to tell her? Jess: Tell her I gotta take another crack at that closet. I think I hung my Tool T-shirt next to my Metallica T-shirt, and they don't really get along. Luke: You really want me to tell her that? Jess: You think a different band combo would sell it more?

Luke: Wait, you need keys. Jess: No, I don't. (Leaves) Luke: I so don't wanna know why.

Luke: You won't bring up the bed? Lorelai: Oh no, I'll definitely bring up the bed.

Luke: Sorry we're a little late. We had a little misunderstanding about what time we're actually supposed to leave to come here. Lorelai: It's okay. How's it going? Luke: Oh, well, not bad. Oh, the bed popped. Lorelai: Yikes. Was anyone in it? Luke: Me. Lorelai: You? Luke: Yeah, I let him take the real one.

Jackson: Oh my god. This is a great lemon! Seriously, this is the best lemon I've ever tasted. Sookie, you have to try this lemon. Sookie: Oh my god. This is a great lemon! Lorelai:(to Jess) Jackson grows fruit... and then he scares people with it!

Lorelai: Sookie, Jackson, I want you to meet Luke's nephew. This is Jess. Sookie: Do you eat cheese? Jess: What?

Luke: Me? Raising a kid? I don't even like kids. They're always sticky like they've got jam on their hands. Even if there's no jam in the house, somehow, they've always got jam on their hands! I'm not the right guy to deal with that. I have no patience for jam hands! Lorelai: First of all, Jess is 17 so I think he's probably pass the jam hands stage by now. Second of all, you can do this. If you want to you are totally capable.

Rory: I just want you to know...I really wanted you to be my stepfather. Mr. Medina: I just want you to know...I really wanted to be your stepfather.

Luke: So just because you have a kid, you know everything, right? Lorelai: Um, I have a kid, so yeah, I think I know a little bit more than you do. Luke: You know, don't you ever think that maybe you just got lucky with Rory? I mean, you did get pregnant at 16, and that doesn't show the greatest decision-making skills, now does it?

Lorelai: You know, there have been very few times in my life where I wished I had one of those enormous cream pies that you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them. Jess: Well, now, that's not very neighborly of you. Lorelai: Hey, you know what? This is my house, and I choose how I get talked to in it, so ha ha!

Taylor: That's right. She's breaking the rules, and people who break the rules end up very lonely with no friends because they have become society's outcasts. Lorelai: Planning on burning a little Huck Finn after lunch, Taylor?

Lorelai: Luke, um, that's not a bed, that's a raft, which is fine if you're gonna build a moat around the diner but... Luke: It's fine. Lorelai: Luke, the kid needs a bed. If you want to get him something inflatable, make it a blonde.

Luke: I had any interesting call today, want to know who it was from? Jess: Not really. Luke: It was from Taylor Doose, you know, he owns the market. Jess: If you say so. Luke: He said you came in today. Jess: He did? Luke: And he said you took some money out of a little donation cup to help repair the bridge. I told him he was crazy, you wouldn't do that, you weren't a thief, that he was just trying to start trouble. Then I hung up on him. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy hanging up on Taylor and he is crazy. But I was just wondering if maybe any of the other things he said were true. Jess: What do you think? Luke: I think that if you tell me that what he's saying is not true, I'm gonna believe it. Jess: Okay, it's not true. Luke: That doesn't sound very convincing. Jess: What exactly do you want from me? You bring me here to this place, you put me in a school that says the Pledge of Allegiance in six different languages, two of which I've never heard of before. You take me away from my home, my friends, and now you want what from me? Luke: I'm trying to help you! Jess: Well stop trying! Stop following me, stop talking to me, stop asking me questions! Just stop! Luke: That's what you want? Jess: Yes. Luke: That's really what you want? Jess: Yes! Luke: You got it. Jess: Thank you! Luke: You're welcome! (As they cross over a bridge, Luke pushes Jess into the water)

Luke: I am in so far over my head that I can't see my own hat. Lorelai: Try turning it around.

Jess: Want to bail? Rory: Um...no. Jess: How come? Rory: Because it's Tuesday night in Stars Hollow. There's nowhere to bail to. The 24-hour mini mart just closed 20 minutes ago.

Lorelai: Is everything okay? Luke: Do you have a sister? Lorelai: Um, no. Boy Scout: I do! Luke: You have my sympathies. Boy Scout: Thanks. I appreciate that.

Boy Scout: (to Lorelai) Hey, I was here first! Lorelai: On the planet?

Boy 2: And I want fries, and make them really really crispy. Boy 1: I want mine crispy too. Boy 2: You didn't order fries. Boy 1: So? Luke: So you can't order crispy fries without first ordering fries. Boy 1: Why not? Luke: Because you can't make something crispy that doesn't exist. Boy 1: Why not? Luke: Get him away from me Taylor.

Luke: Her daughter Rory, who you didn't meet but you'll like 'cause she's a lot like Lorelai, but she's got a slightly tighter grasp on reality.

Rory: Good night, Dodger. Jess: What? Rory: Figure it out. Jess: Oliver Twist.