Gilmore Girls

Lorelai: Sweetie you're never gonna find the deer. Rory: Well I'm gonna try. Lorelai: Well I'm in heels! Rory: Well stay in the car. Lorelai: It's dangerous in the car with all the kamikaze deer running around... (getting out of the car) Rory: I have to find it. Lorelai: Alright, wait up! So what does the deer look like? Huh? Does it have any distinguishing marks - besides the word 'Jeep' imprinted on it's forehead?

Rory: I'm not stubborn. Lorelai: Yes you are. Rory: No I'm not. Lorelai: Fine, you're not. Rory: Thank you.

Max: I apologize for the behavior of some of our guests tonight, it's a tough time for some people. Lorelai: The SAT season...? Max: The waking hours.

(Drella is playing the intro to Iron Man on the harp) Lorelai: No Black Sabbath. Drella: No one is listening. Lorelai: No Black Sabbath, no Steely Dan, no Boston and no Queen. Drella: What happened to make you so cold? Lorelai: We like that Mozart. (heads towards the kitchen) Drella: I am the Artie Shaw of harpists.

Lorelai: But see, she was up all night studying, and she broke her neck to get here. We don't live locally, as you know-- Headmaster Charleston: "The dog ate my homework, my computer crashed." Lorelai: I wasn't trying to make excuses. Headmaster Charleston: "My grandmother and first cousin died. My sister took my report to school instead of hers. My religion forbids me from studying after sundown. I went completely blind last night, but I'm fine now." Lorelai: That's not Rory.

Headmaster Charleston: Ms. Gilmore, everything you said in your rant was true--without the colorful embellishments, of course. We do set high standards, and such standards do foster highly competitive children. However, that is life, and that is Chilton. Lorelai: Rules can change. You can change them. Headmaster Charleston: I told your daughter when she came here that this place is not for everyone and may not be for her. I will now tell you the same thing. Lorelai: Hey-- Headmaster Charleston: She doesn't have to be here. She doesn't have to go to Harvard. Maybe she shouldn't. If she can't handle the pressure, she should leave. You need to take your daughter home now and decide what it is you intend to do. But another outburst from either of you will not be on the options list. Thank you, that will be all.

Mr. Medina: Lorelai, please believe me. If there was anything I could do, I would. Lorelai: Yes, you could let her take the test. Mr. Medina: I'm afraid I can't. Lorelai: But that's not fair! Headmaster Charleston: Ms. Gilmore, we are not here to be fair. We are here to educate. Lorelai: Yes, and I'm asking you to please educate my kid! Headmaster Charleston: We will, when she's on time.

Paris: (to Madeline about Rory) Loser. Rory: (to Paris) And just what is wrong with you? You already have everything! You have the grades, the status--what the hell is wrong with you that you have this constant need to be the biggest jerk in the entire world? Mr. Medina: Okay, let's go. Rory: Huh? What's up? What's up, quippy? Why so silent? Mr. Medina: Outside, now! Rory: (to Tristin) And for the last time, THE NAME IS RORY!

Tristan: Hey Mary! Rory: (says with disdain after receiving her first D grade) And it just keeps getting better. Tristan: You look sad. Rory: I'm fine. Tristan: Bad grade? Rory: I have to go. Tristan: You know what, Mary? See, I just can't figure out why we're not friends. I think it's because I make you nervous. Rory: I think it's because you can't learn my name. Tristan: Do you have a boyfriend? Rory: None of your business. Tristan: Was that a no? Rory: Is there no one else at this school you can bother? Tristan: I think you like me, you just don't know how to say it. Rory: Ooh boy. Tristan: So what are you doing Friday night? Rory: I'm busy. Tristan: What, you gotta be back at the convent by five? Rory: Please leave me alone. Tristan: WELL, since you said please (backs away from her as she walks away). Later. Mary!

Lorelai: How much longer are we gonna look for this crazy deer? Rory: Just a little further. I just hope he didn't hurt himself. Lorelai: I just hope he has insurance.

Lorelai: I'll still love you even if you can't support me in my old age in the fabulous manner to which I plan on growing accustomed. Rory: I'll remember that selfless gesture.

Lorelai: (looking at the antler marks on the side of the Jeep) You did. You got hit by a deer. Rory: It just came out of nowhere. Lorelai: You couldn't just run into a wall like other kids?

Lorelai: Are you holding that door open for a reason? Headmaster Charleston: Our meeting is over. Lorelai: Like hell it is.

Sookie: It wasn't the Risotto, it was the wine. He ordered the wrong wine! Lorelai: Oh, wow, great. Sookie: See, in the review, he mentioned something about a Summer Tomato Salad, which I only made once in the last three weeks because Jackson of course decides to get in a fistfight with his tomato grower… Okay, that's a different story. Lorelai: Yes. Save it for Christmastime. Sookie: So, Brian, the goateed waiter, only worked one shift last week because his girlfriend kicked him out and he had to move. Lorelai: Celia kicked him out? Sookie: Well, he didn't want kids. Lorelai: But she knew that when they moved in. Sookie: Women always think they can change men. Lorelai: Yeah. Sookie: So, anyhow, I checked the dates, I narrowed the date down, and I found a party that had ordered practically everything in the menu including… Lorelai: The magic Risotto. Sookie: Yes, the Risotto and a Riesling. Ha! A Riesling! Lorelai: Why not just drink battery acid? Sookie: Exactly. Changes the entire flavor of the dish. And the fact that Brian even served it, makes me think Celia is a little bit better off without him.

Lorelai: Make sure that carpet is replaced perfectly before they go. Michel: Okay. Lorelai: And I mean perfectly, nailed down and everything. Michel: Oh, you mean that "perfectly." Oh, I thought you meant the other "perfectly," you know, the one that could be misinterpreted by the other Michel. You know, the one that couldn't understand what you meant by "perfectly."

Lorelai: The Comedy of Errors: written? Rory: 1590. Lorelai: Published? Rory: 1698. Lorelai: Ooh, 1623. Close. Rory: How is 1623 close? Lorelai: You got the 16 part right. Rory: I was off by seventy-five years. Lorelai: Well, anything under a hundred is close. Rory: What kind of a rule is that? Lorelai: I'm running the study session here. Okay. Richard III. Rory: 1591. (Lorelai imitates a wrong-answer buzzer) Rory: '93? (Lorelai imitates buzzer) Rory: '96? (Lorelai imitates buzzer) Rory: Okay, that's getting really annoying now. (Lorelai imitates buzzer)

Lorelai: Hey, Backwards baseball hat...new look for you. (Looking over at Rory) She's eating pie? Did she eat dinner? Luke: You raised her. I just serve.

Lorelai: (when she tastes the "bad coffee") Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the camel!

Lorelai: Sookie, I need coffee to go. Sookie: There's fresh over there. Lorelai: Ooh, good. (walks over to the coffee pot to find it empty) Fresh in my first lifetime as Joan of Arc.

Mrs. Kim: (referring to a Snickers bar) That is chocolate-covered death. Rory: (taking a bite) With a creamy caramel surprise.

Rory: If you let me study now, I'll play with you this weekend. Lorelai: Promise? Rory: Yes, we can do anything you want. Lorelai: Will you go to the shoe sale with me? Rory: Yes. Lorelai: Will you let me try on anything I want? Rory: Yes. Lorelai: Will you help me push other people out of the way if they're going for my size? Rory: I'll even run interference for you.

Michel: (to Lorelai) Can I kill her? Loreali: Not before high tea. Michel: (to Drella) Fine. Then I will curse you constantly and in several languages.

Michel: (after Drella runs into him with her harp) Oh, you imbecile! Drella: Back off, Chevalier. Michel: You're stupid, blind, and clumsy! Drella: Yeah, well, at least I'm not French.

(Paris, Madeline, and Louise are walking behind Rory talking about her "D") Paris: A "D," however, that would be cause for concern. Louise: A cry for help. Paris: A job application at McDonald's. Louise: "Would you like fries with that?" Paris: Hey, you know, not everybody can be smart. As my mother always says, "somebody has to answer the phones." Madeline: Okay, I have no idea what you two are talking about. Paris: No, but Rory does.

Lorelai: You need three highlighters? Rory: Yes. Lorelai: Three? Rory: Yes. Lorelai: That's a very random number. Rory: Three is not a random number. Lorelai: I mean, how did you get to the number three? Rory: One dries up, one gets lost, I have one left. Lorelai: You've really thought this out. Rory: Yes, I have. Lorelai: What came first, the chicken or the egg?

Lorelai: Sweetie, Mommy can't get up right now. Mommy's been sleeping at a right angle all night

Lorelai: News is on. Rory: One sec. Lorelai: (to herself) For our top story tonight, a grisly horrible thing that happened in a small town where no grisly horrible things ever happen. Everyone's shocked. House slides down hill. Liposuction kills, stay fat.

Lorelai: (to Max) And you! You say she's smart and she'll be fine and this rotting stodgy rathole could use somebody like her and then you completely shut her out of a test that she's crammed for, that she's ready for, that she completely deserves to take! Max: (to the Headmaster) I didn't call this place a 'rathole.' Lorelai: Oh no that's true. I added that. Wouldn't want you to get in trouble with 'Il duce' here.

Rory: Thanks though. Lorelai: For what? Rory: For yelling at the Headmaster the way you did. Lorelai: Oh, I didn't yell at him. Rory: You called him 'il duce'! Lorelai: Which means 'kind sir' in Cantonese.

Headmaster Charleston: My goodness. You do like to throw fits in your family. Lorelai: What are you talking about? Headmaster Charleston: Your daughter threw a similar if not as manic fit of her own this morning. Lorelai: Oh please. Rory doesn't throw fits. She's the most even tempered person I know. Headmaster Charleston: Well then she did a lovely impression of you!

(in Headmaster Charleston's office, about Rory not being allowed to take a test because she was late) Lorelai: I guess this goes on the "boy, was I wrong" list, right above gauchos but just below the Flashdance phase.

Lorelai's Answering Machine: It's us, we're not here, we have a life, get over it.

(after Rory got a "D" and didn't tell Lorelai about it) Lorelai: You should have told me... Rory: I couldn't Lorelai: You couldn't tell me? You tell me everything! Rory: It was too humiliating. Lorelai: Aw, honey. You once told me you loved Saved By The Bell.... What could be more humiliating than that?

Rory: A "D" at Stars Hollow High is like an "F" at Chilton. It's worse. It's like a "G" ... or a "W". Lorelai: So I'm guessing the spelling test didn't go well either?

Lorelai: I hate when I'm an idiot and I don't know it. I like to be aware of my idiocy, to really revel in it, take pictures. I feel we missed a prime Christmas card opportunity.

Lorelai: Can parents come? Mom #1: What? Lorelai: Yeah, it's a big exciting test. I just thought - I'm sorry, is that stupid? Max: No, it's not stupid. Lorelai: I just thought I'd like to see the excitement. Dad #2: It's a test. Lorelai: Yeah, I know. Dad #2: What's exciting about a test? Lorelai: Do you play golf? Dad #2: Yes I do. Lorelai: You explain yours, I'll explain mine.

(after almost walking into a globe) Lorelai: What in the world?

Michel: There's a man with a funny accent on the phone asking for you. Lorelai: Really? Did you guys exchange the secret handshake?

Lorelai: Here is your 'serious' paper. Rory: Thank you. Lorelai: Ooh, and here are your somber highlighters, your maudlin pencils, your manic-depressive pens. Rory: Mom. Lorelai: Now, these erasers are on lithium so they may seem cheerful, but we actually caught them trying to shove themselves into the pencil sharpener earlier. Rory: I'm going home. Lorelai: No, wait! We're going to stage an intervention with the neon post-its and make them give up their wacky, crazy ways. Rory: You're never coming shopping with me again. Lorelai: Ooh, here's a card tray -

Waiter: May I be fired now? Lorelai: Absolutely.

(Rory walks into the room carrying her bookbag filled with books) Lorelai: Behold, in theaters now, The Thing That Reads a Lot.

Rory: Jeez, who's naked? Lorelai: Uh, Lucien Mills, food critic. Rory: Yeah? How's his butt? Lorelai: No, no. He's supposed to review the restaurant.

Lorelai: Yeah. This school is so different from Stars Hollow you know. They send home like a thousand pages of updates every week. It's a very intense place. Sookie: Uh huh. Lorelai: Last week there was a huge debate over whether plaid scrunchies were acceptable head wear. People took sides, things got ugly, the scrunchie motion finally passed and I'd like to think I was the tie breaker.

Rory: Lorelai, go to your room! Lorelai: Wow, smart girls are mean!

Luke: You look like you need pie. Rory: I do? Luke: Violent pencil tossing usually signals the need for pie. Rory: What if I'd thrown a pen? Luke: I would've brought you a trout. Rory: What? Luke: I don't make the rules, I just carry them out.

Rory: I have a test on Friday. Lorelai: Ooh, a test. Great! Rory: On Shakespeare. Lorelai: The bard with a beard. Love it. Rory: It's twenty percent of my grade. Lorelai: Just makes life interesting. Now what do we have to do to get you an "A" on that test? Rory: Do you really think I can do this? Lorelai: I bet you a dollar. Rory: That all? That's all my future's worth, one dollar? Lorelai: Well, you did get a "D."