Gilmore Girls Season 3 Episode 1

Paris: I can't do this.
Rory: What?
Paris: Date. I can't date. I'm not genetically set up for it.
Rory: Not true.
Paris: I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. I'm covered in hives, I've showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn't even have the brains to buy a Zagat so we don't wind up in a restaurant that's really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?

Paris: For example, I can instantly deduce that when someone hears the name "Paris" in the same sentence with the word "date," jaws will drop, confused looks will cover faces, words like "how" and "why" and "Quick, Bob, get the children in the minivan because the world is obviously coming to an end." will immediately fly out of people's mouths.

Lorelai: (to Rory) Look, kid, you have gotta make up your mind. Jess, Dean, Jess, Dean – it's enough already. If you want Jess, that's fine – go get him, there he is. If you think that's the great love of your life, then great ... grab a liver treat and a squeaky toy and run to him.

Lorelai: Hey, I finally figured out how to get the "Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer" song out of our heads - just sing the "Small World" song over and over for the next forty-eight hours. Of course, how to get the "Small World" song out of our heads, I have not worked out yet.

Luke: Anything besides the Q-tips?
Lorelai: Hmm, cotton balls, world peace, Connie Chung's original face back.

Rory: Hello, living room.
Lorelai: (in a squeaky voice) Hello Rory. We missed you. (normal voice) Not the ottoman, of course, but everyone knows he's a snob. Napoleon complex. He only likes the magazine rack.

Lorelai: If you decided you really did want to date Jess, I would help you -- (Rory gives her a look) -- get vaccinated.

Rory: I'm never leaving home again!
Lorelai: Aww, that's my emotionally stunted girl!

Luke: Is that so bad? You've got friends, you've got a house, a job, apparently an iron stomach.
Lorelai: No, it's not so bad. I'm lucky I know. I just, I feel like I'm never gonna have it. The whole package, you know. That person, that couple life. And I swear, I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Wonder Woman but I really want it. The whole package.
Luke: You'll get it.
Lorelai: How do you know?

Lorelai: Hey Rory, I don't want you to freeze out your dad because I am.
Rory: I'm not.
Lorelai: Because I'm fine if you want to go back to the way things were.
Rory: I think that would be a little hard this time.
Lorelai: Okay, maybe not now, but eventually.
Rory: Eventually, maybe but for now, solidarity sister.
Lorelai: Ya-ya!
Rory: You've been waiting 6 weeks to do that haven't you?
Lorelai: Ya-ya!

Rory: Jamie just asked you out on a date.
Paris: He did?
Rory: Yes
Paris: Did I accept?
Rory: Yes.
Paris: I'm going out on a date?
Rory: Yes you are.
Paris: Oh man, I finally get asked out on a date and I missed it. Was it a good ask out?
Rory: It was a very good ask out.
Paris: God I wish I'd been there.

Jamie: So, where's Paris?
Rory: Not quite sure. Last time I saw her she was beating the will to live out of our nation's representatives.
Jamie: She is a hammer isn't she?
Rory: Actually, she is an entire tool box.
(Paris arrives)
Paris: Damn, I always seem to catch the most interesting politicians right when they have to use the bathroom.

(Lorelai calling Rory in Washington after another dream)
Lorelai: He kissed me and talked to my stomach!
Rory: Why would he do that?
Lorelai: Because apparently I'm pregnant!
Rory: What?
Lorelai: With twins. (silenece) Say something.
Rory: You are going to be so fat.
Lorelai: Just analyze the dream, please.
Rory: Okay. Well, your dream was telling you that you are secretly in love with Luke and you wanna marry him and have his twins.

Lorelai: I wonder if Sherry's baby will end up looking like me.
Rory: If the kid knows what's good for it, I'm sure it will.

Lorelai: Rory, what are you doing?
Rory: What do you mean what am I doing? I'm ranting! You should recognize it, I learned it from you.

Paris: Get in the closet.
Rory: What? You're crazy.
Paris: If there's no one to compare me to, I might have a fighting chance.
Rory: Okay but when we get home, get a new therapist because the one you have isn't working.

Lorelai: (to Rory) Do you sometimes think this town is weird or is it just me?

Paris: What if I fall for him but he doesn't like me?
Rory: You'll find someone else.
Paris: What if there is no one else?
Rory: Then you'll get some cats.

Paris: (struggling with her hair) That's it, I'm shaving my head.

Michel: Oh good, just in time. Kirk here is about to tell us the difference between cows and humans.

Lorelai: And all this time I thought you were with Dean!
Rory: I am with Dean!
Lorelai: Running off and kissing another guy is not 'being with Dean.' Ask him, I bet he'd back me up on that!

Lorelai: I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is the kitchen, is Luke!
Rory: Was he naked?
Lorelai: No! He was making breakfast.
Rory: Naked?
Lorelai: Okay, you've been in Washington way too long.

Lorelai: I got here early and there was nothing to do except feed gummy bears to the bomb-sniffing dogs which, apparently, the United States government frowns upon.
Rory: You got in trouble with the government while you were waiting for me?
Lorelai: Just a little.
Rory: How much is a little?
Lorelai: Learn Russian.