(Tom flips through the Gloria Bible)
Tom: Favourite colour...
Linda: Nipple pink!
Tom: Not you, Gloria!
Linda: How am I supposed to know? I've never met the bitch.
Linda: There ya go, good old traditional English breakfast - cup a tea an' a fag.
Linda: SOME STORY! It's more confusing than Hansel & Gretel.
Tom: (yelling) Hansel and Gretel's not confusing!
Linda: Well when did you last stay in a house that you could eat?
Tom: (angry) ...do you want me to shut up? Alright, I will just zip up my mouth and... (in a whisper) fuck off!
Linda: Ugh, little Queenie Strop!
Tom: Um...I am a gay man.
Linda: (mocking) 'I am a gay man, I am a gay man', so why are ya marryin' a woman then, ya wanker?
Tom: Well my bedroom's doing a very nice little impression of Beirut, so thanks for that!
Tom: Oh look, there's a dog hair!
Linda: No, it's auburn, it's one a mine.
Tom: Precisely what I meant.
Linda: I won't have no man parking his car in my basement, you know what I'm saying?
Terry Clinger: How long have you and Tom been married?
Linda: Five years.
Terry Clinger: And how old are you?
Linda: Are you or are you not a big fat homosexual?
Tom: Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that...
Linda: Well how would you put it then?
Tom: Um... I'm a gay man.
Linda: (Mimicking Tom) I'm a gay man... I'm a gay man... Then why're you marrying a woman then you winker?
Gloria: Get me a coffee!
Gloria: Black, no sugar. How would you like to be our bridesmaid?
Linda: How would you like a smack in the mouth?
Gloria: (clicks her fingers) Coffee!
Linda: (clicks her fingers) Shaddap!
Beryl: Beryl's wondering whether Linda's jealous...
Linda: Linda's wondering whether Beryl wants a slap!
Linda: Well her name's Gloria, and she's a fucking slut.
Terry Clinger: Hi I'm Terry Clinger welcome to the show.
Vicar: You may kiss the bride.
Gloria: I'd rather tongue the bridesmaid!
Linda: Oy! On yer bike, I'm not a dyke.
Linda: (About Tom and Gloria) He only goes out with her because she takes it up the ass!
Tom: Don't go there!
Linda: I've got the body of a fourteen-year-old.
Tom: Which one, Billy Bunter?
Episode Title: I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do
This is a reference to the song I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do by Abba, who also sung the original version of the song Gimme Gimme Gimme, the main theme of the show.
This is a parody of the American talkshow, The Jerry Springer Show, hosted by Jerry Springer.
Tom: Have you seen the movie Green Card?
This is a reference to the 1990 film, Green Card, starring Andie MacDowell.