Glee

Will: (Holding Quinn and Santana apart) Guys, come on! What happened to being a family? Santana: Oh, please! She already has a family! She's a mother! Quinn: (Will holding her back) Walk away and tighten up your pony before you get to class!

Jacob: (to Will) Did you know there's a forum on my blog begging you to stop rapping?

Tina: You ignored me for weeks this summer. Artie:I was playing a marathon game of Halo, woman.

Mercedes: Is that a men's sweater? Kurt: Fashion has no gender.

Jacob: Will Schuester – how do you respond to a recent post on my blog saying your glee club song selection sound like they come from a drag queen's iPod? Will: Well I try to do something for everybody - 25% showtunes, 25% hiphop, 25% classic rock - Jacob: 100% gay.

Brittany: People thought I went on vacation but I really spent the summer lost in the sewers.

Jacob: (to Will) When exactly did you end your sponsorship with Land's End?

Jacob: (to Tina and Mike) How do you get the white on rice?

Jacob: (to Quinn) What did you do with all that breast milk?

Sue: See this? It's a court summons for child endangerment 'cause there's been a line of would-be Cheerios camping outside the high school since late July. I guess they lost their humanity a little bit. Went a little 'Lord of the Flies' out there. One girl ate a pigeon.

Sue: Oh God, Will, let me break it down for you. High school's a dry run for the rest of your life. Not everyone can be champions; not everyone should be champions. The world needs fry cooks; bus drivers...

Coach Beiste: You think it's easy being a female football coach? Being different? You think I don't get this everywhere I go? Everyone one told me that Sue was the school bully and that you were really cool. I see they got that last part wrong, huh?

Sue: (to Quinn) You'll deafen them with the sound of your stretch marks rubbing together!

Coach Beiste: I'm the captain of the U.S.S. Kick Ass – not the U.S.S. Back Talk.

Sue: (to Santana) Oh, and Boobs McGee – you're demoted to the bottom of the pyramid so when it collapses your exploding sandbags will protect the squad from injury. Now take your juicy, vine ripened chest and get the hell out of my office.

Brittany: I made it up. Coach Beiste didn't touch my boobs. Actually, I really wanted to touch her boobs.

Sue: (to Will and Coach Beiste) The two of you are making a very serious mistake today; the likes which have not been seen since the Mexican Indians sold Manhattan to George Washington for an upskirt photo of Betsy Ross.

Brittany: (While Quinn and Santana are fighting) Stop the violence.

Puck: Dude your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there? Sam: I don't know, I've never had any balls in my mouth … have you?

Sue: (to Will) You make not trying to destroy glee club easy. You know why? Because you're doing such a bang up job all by yourself.

Sue: First of all, a female football coach like a male nurse – sin against nature. Number two: I'm sure you're used to hillbilly parents yelping adulation to you as they attempt to impregnate the tailpipes of various off-road vehicles but you're in my house now, Beiste. No one comes into my house and steals from me.

Sue: Well then enjoy a repeat of last year's last place finish at regionals where even if your team had dropped their sequined-panties and urinated all over the stage like an elderly Carol Channing they literally could not have done worse.

Finn: Rachel is what you'd call a controlist. Rachel: I'm controlling – "controlist" isn't a word.