Glee Season 1 Episode 4

Sue: I'm tired of hearing people say, I'm riddled with this disease, or I was in that tsunami. Shake it up a little! There's really no difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and a crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise.

Puck: Well call the Vatican! We got ourselves another immaculate conception!

Finn: I got this at the school library. Did you know you could just borrow books from there. All of them... except the encyclopedias.

Rachel: Just admit it. You don't like me very much.
Will: That's not true. I am your biggest--and sometimes your only--fan.

Will: This was you. You have always been out to get me.
Sue: Well if I was out to get you, I'd have you pickling in a mason jar on my shelf by now.

Sue: Boy the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.

Sandy: (refers to dolls) I've been collecting since 1961.
Sue: Well isn't this just lovely and normal.

Coach Tanaka: Can you do that with a game on the line, and ten gorillas bearing down on you wanting nothing more than to taste your sweet virgin blood?
Kurt: Sounds like fun. Can I have my music?
Coach Tanaka: If you can kick like that, you can wear a tutu for all I care.

Coach Tanaka: The next player that can get a football between those uprights will get his job.
Kurt: Hi. I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.

Coach Tanaka: Six games and our kicker is zero for twelve in field goal attempts. As most of you statistically minded people know, that sucks!

Finn: Put your helmet on.
Kurt: It'll mess up my hair.

Rachel: Natalie Wood was a Jew you know. I've had a very deep personal connection to this role since the age of one.

Kendra: Dishonesty is food to a marriage! It will die without it!

Kendra: I'm just making it sound worse than it is to make him feel guilty, and then you have him by the balls for the rest of his life.

Kendra: Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boyhowdy in five months. She doesn't need nice, she needs dolomite!
Will: I can be tough.
Kendra: Of course you can sweetie.

Kendra: Giving birth is not like how it is in the movies. It is bloody and beastual, and you get poop all over your cowboy boots.

Kurt's Father: What are you wearing?
Kurt: It's a unitard. Guys wear them to workout nowadays.. do sports. They wick sweat from the body.
Tina: Football!
Kurt: Yeah, all the guys in football wear them. Very jock chic.

Sue: I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got a satellite interview. That's lingo again.. for an interview via satellite.

Sue:(Explaining that people should be motivated to better themselves) I'll often yell at homeless people 'Hey, how's that homelessness working out for you? Give not being homeless a try'.

Coach Tenaka:(Talking about the football team) We gave up our pride when we lost to that school for the deaf.

Coach Tenaka: You're up, kid. You make this and we win. You make this and you die a legend.
Kurt: Can I pee first?

Puck:(To a member of the opposing football team) Hey, ankle-grabber, I had sex with your mother. No seriously...I cleaned your pool and then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets.

Kurt: I'm gay.
Kurt's Dad: I know. I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a sensible pair of heels.

Kurt: Night time skin care is a big part of my post-game ritual.

Sue: We're giving everyone a chance to think they're a star. We're providing opportunities, we're opening doors, find your voice...stomp that yard...all that crap.

Terri (To Quinn): Are you taking pre-natal vitamins? You need to, or your baby will be ugly.

Quinn:(To Puck) I had sex with you because I got drunk on wine coolers and felt fat that day.

Sandy: I'm living in a cocoon of horror. Yesterday I ate nine cans of aerosol whip cream.

Sue:(Discussing caning): And to the naysayers who say you can't strike children on their bare buttocks with a raw bamboo stick I say YES WE CANE.

Terri: If I tell you something, do you promise not to tell anyone?
Kendra: Oh my God. Is the baby black?

Kurt: My body is like a rum chocolate soufflé...if I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise.