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Rachel: In showbusiness, when a star can't perform, her understudy steps in. I'd be happy to go in for April, if you'd let me.
Mercedes: Since when are you willing to be an understudy?
Rachel: Since I quit the play.
Kurt: Really? Why?
Rachel: I realized being a star didn't make feel as special as being your friend. If I'd let you down when you needed me the most, I'd never forgive myself. I know all the words to the song.
Quinn: You don't know the choreaography.
Finn: (after a long silence) Then we're going to have to give her a lot of help out there.
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Will: How come you haven't had any morning sickness? Quinn Fabray has been upchucking every 15 minutes.
Terri: Really? That's a really good sign. That means the baby's not a Mongoloid.
Will: Well, it it bad that you haven't been sick then?
Terri: Oh, no, honey, no, no. You should ask Howard Bamboo about my Linda Blair impersonations every half hour at work.
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Finn: I'm sleeping with him.
Rachel: So am I.
Finn: This play is weird.
Rachel: That's Mr. Ryerson's favorite line.
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Rachel: Yes, I am back in glee club. In lieu of flowers, please send all donations to a socially conscious charity of your choice.
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Kurt: Can we please talk about the giant elephant in the room?
Santana: Your sexuality?
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Emma: I just got back from the emergency room. I had them give me four decontamination showers. I believe they call that the full silk wood.
Will: What happened?
Emma: Kurt was drunk and he ralfed on me. Not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet but I'm pretty sure it's not a fake ID because he looks like an 11 year old milk maid.
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April: I'm rolling on a fistful of horse tranquilizers. I can't feel my lips.
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Puck: That Rachel chick makes me wanna light myself on fire, but she can sing.
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Emma: Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.
Kurt: Oh, Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.
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April: Do you have any NyQuil? I could use a pick-me-up.
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Sue: When I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Cleopatra, I was aroused. And then furious.