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The 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards

Oh my G. 

This is— This is a surprise. What is— Is this— Oh my. I didn't— I didn't write a speech! I don't know— I mean— Is this— Can I— Where is— What is— I'm not— This is— This is a surprise! What do I—    [long silence]    Sorry, I got this. Oh, it says "hurry." You know—  ♫ music ♫  Wait, hold on. I just— I just want to—  ♫ music swells ♫  Wait, stop— I just want— Are we— Can I— I didn't bring a speech—  ♫ music very loud now ♫  WAIT. I have something— Can I— I just want— I just want— Please let me—  ♫ obtrusive saxophone ♫  Thank you to— Wait give me a— Stop the music—  ♫ doomsday beats ♫  THANK YOU TO— HELLO? THANK YOU TO, UH— WAIT! LET ME JUST—  ♫ air raid siren mash-up w/ Florence + the Machine ♫  THANKS TO MY TEAAAAMMMMM

Haha okay that's enough end scene sorry about that. That was an excerpt taken from my diary, did you like it? But you didn't come here to read that junk, you came here to relive the glory of the Golden Globe Awards, and so we shall!

The main thing to know about the Golden Globe Awards is that they are a joke that nobody takes seriously. Not the Industry, not the celebrities, not the Beverly Hilton, not the cult of foreign weirdos who run the thing. It is all just a weird weekday game night before the weekend house party blowout that is the Oscars. Like, there's a reason this thing happens BEFORE the Oscars. Because right now people are still somewhat jazzed about awards and whatnot, but trust me, straight-up NOBODY would show up for the Golden Globes if they went down the weekend after the Oscars. It's like how nobody cares about the All-Star game after the Super Bowl. (What is football?)

Anyway, the Golden Globes have always been painful and awkward and hilarious and this year they were all of those things 2 THE XTREME. Therefore they were perfect, basically. Everybody drunk and not giving a sh*t, and that was just the crew. The celebrities were gone mentally and who can blame them? Life is hard, especially for millionaires. But two ladies who DID work hard and who did us right in general were these two: 

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hosted for the second year in a row and they were tremendous. Duh. That was never in question, but that doesn't mean we still shouldn't celebrate it. Good job, you pair of talented humans! Anyway, as always, 98 percent of the enjoyment of this show was in the audience cutaways and the production mistakes. For the former, there was definitely some kind of bizarre algorithm or code that the director was using because some cutaways were sincerely hilarious. WHY certain people over others? What connection does The Edge have to Elizabeth Moss? Or better yet, the bitchy cutaways, like losing nominees staring grim-faced at the winner onstage. That being said, some cutaways were intentionally funny, like when the hosts kept pronouncing Tom Hanks' name as Tam Honks: 

But then they'd make, say, a joke about Matt Damon being "a garbage person" and we'd cut to Bono CRACKING. UP.

Anyway, I loved it. Couldn't get enough of the cutaways. 

This was a funny joke. Fey and Poehler basically used their entire monologue as a sort of Roast of Hollywood, just busting so many snaps about everybody. And then they made fun of "Amy Poehler" while this was the cutaway:

That was very good and funny. But this was even funnier:

Julia Louis-Dreyfus sitting in the film section (the TV people had to sit in the balcony) and smoking an e-cigarette while refusing to take a selfie with Reese Witherspoon. Perfect! Julia Louis-Dreyfus has made awards show moments her third career. After actress and heiress to a billion-dollar fortune. It is a very good third career, though!

Oh, you know what joke absolutely killed? The one about George Clooney in Gravity deciding to float away into space rather than spend one more minute with a woman his own age. I mean:

So good. That Julianna Margulies reaction was tough though. Poor Nurse Hathaway!

Here's Jonah Hill's reaction to the implication that he masturbates in front of partygoers at his pool parties:

And here's how that one actor from Captain Phillips looked when Tina Fey sexually propositioned him from the stage:

(Who you textin', Rita?)

The monologue was VERY funny and very terrific, but then it was like a record scratch when Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock finally climbed up onto the stage (one more hilarious aspect of this show is that there are no real aisles so the celebrities have to shimmy over each other in order to reach the stage) and these two seemed like they were suddenly at a funeral. Dang guys, cheer up!

But yeah, back to the crazy obstacle course the celebs had to traverse, here's Jennifer Lawrence trying to reach the stage:

I don't mean to start any rumors but Jennifer Lawrence kissed and hugged and 'what's up'-ed several people on her way up there but (A) barely even glanced at Amy Adams, and (B) this was the look on Amy Adams' face when she passed:

NOT STARTING ANY RUMORS THOUGH.

Jennifer Lawrence is very likable. TOO likable maybe? I'm starting to get nervous about Jennifer Lawrence, you guys. I don't know if I trust her anymore. She's too good.

Then Josh Hartnett and Sela Ward came out to present an award and they did a great job.

Hayden Panetierre won the evening with her wet look hair. My main theory behind this look was that maybe backstage she was slimed by a phantasm and just had to improvise. Well, the hair looked great and so did the bolo-tie dress. Hayden Panetierre was in it to WIN IT. But did not win it.

I liked when fellow nominee Sofia Vergara believed she was the most entertaining person in her frame. NOPE. 

Jacqueline Bisset's acceptance speech was obviously the highlight of the evening.  She stood silently for half an hour, dropped a few cuss words, yelled at the music, tried to have conversations with her co-stars from the stage, and then quoted her mother by saying "Go to hell or never come back." I am STILL trying to figure out what that means, and by that I mean it was perfect. 

If I'm being real, the TRUE highlight of the evening and the best parts of the show in general were the into-and-out-of commercial segments in which the celebrities hob-nobbed with the kind of staged, desperate intensity of celebrities at a celebrity party. There must have been four dozen roaming cameras to have filmed all these interactions in the ten minutes or so before the show started, so every single interaction was strange and stiff. But it never stopped making me laugh to imagine one specific phrase being said during each encounter:



So good and so fun. Being a celebrity looks like A NIGHTMARE.

So anyway, we then got into the real heart of the show. The heart in this case would be celebrities walking onstage and handing truly terrible-looking trophies to other celebrities.

Behind the Candelabra, a very good movie, beat out American Horror Story: Coven, which in my mind is not fair seeing as there are still THREE episodes left. How is that fair? Voters haven't seen how the story concludes! I keep seeing bozos who are ready to judge the three AHS seasons against one another and that is straight-up insane. The first two seasons had absolutely incredible endings that basically changed our perceptions of those entire seasons. Why is it okay to throw a partial seasons of AHS against long-concluded miniseries? Ridiculous! Anyway, congrats to Behind the Candelabra.

This lady beat out Jessica Lange for best actress, which NOPE. But again, maybe voters didn't get to see the entire season yet. Like, you KNOW J.Lange is going to have an insane monologue or four in the finale. Oh well! And haha oh, check out Jessica Lange during Elizabeth Moss' acceptance speech:

THAT'S OUR JESSICA LANGE.

This audience shot distracted me. Jennifer Lawrence was still backstage giving press and her dreamy date Nicholas Hoult was all alone! 

OR WAS HE?

Matt Damon came out to talk about Somalia or whatever. We get it, Matt Damon. (I actually don't get it. What's up with Somalia?)

I didn't like the joke that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did about making fun of foreign people's names. That being said, here was a foreign guy and he didn't seem too upset about it.

BODY LANGUAGE EXPERTS: What is happening here?

It was amazing when the teleprompter gave the wrong lines to Jonah Hill and the lady from Wolf of Wall Street. They were like, "Hey those lines are for Aaron Eckhart" and then somebody ran onstage with a piece of binder paper that they then read from. It was obviously one of my favorite moments not just of the night but in history.

Things started getting really dark and foreboding at this point. I don't know.

Oh but then Breaking Bad started winning everything. FINALLY. I'm glad people are starting to get into this show, good for them.

Vince Gilligan made Aaron Paul say "yeah bitch" and I got super sad. It's like when my parents throw banquets for the Lieutenant Governor and ask me to stand on a chair and sing an operetta in my beautiful contralto. I'M NOT YOUR PUPPET.

Then Steve Coogan and his wife came out to yell at everybody about judging them for their love. Also they presented Philomena which is too hot to talk about.

Then Usher got BOX'D OUT by P. Diddy and Kate Beckinsale. He just stood there frowning at P. Diddy's shoulder for about an hour. 

Also it was very weird when Edward Sharpe and the Absent Zeroes won a Golden Globe and he immediately started bragging with Diddy that they'd recently partied together on a yacht in St. Bart's. Wow, that five second interlude absolutely undermined the entire image of his down-home band and also the shy, stuttery routine he pulled during his acceptance speech. Sorry, but you can't be a charming, awkward musician if you've partied on a yacht in St. Bart's with P. Diddy. Scram, poseur. Also, congratulations on your win great job!

U2 won a Golden Globe for whatever, don't worry about it.

Then Lady Gaga's boyfriend a.k.a. Uncle Mason from Vampire Diaries came out and mispronounced "candelabra."

Jon Voight won an award for a show that nobody watches or cares about SORRY yes I am picking a fight with the Ray Donovan community, come at me, RayDons!

Olivia Wilde is really wonderful, that is all.

I don't know who this was.

Amy Adams won an award for doing a British accent with side-boobs. I thought Man of Steel was better than American Hustle and that's why I'm an award-winning critic bye.

This was a funny gag (gag means joke): Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon's real-life daughter was Miss Golden Globe, so Tina Fey claimed that her illegitimate teenage son was Mister Golden Globe:

And he was a real terrible guy! Just a whiny, miserable teen in eye makeup. But I loved when he ran into the crowd and demanded to know which celebrity was his real father. Tina Fey immediately dismissed Idris Elba as a possibility but then clammed up when it came to Harvey Weinstein. And the camera cut away just as this started happening:

It was a touching story in general!

Then Robin Wright won an award for House of Cards, which, fine. Hard to argue with this, or anything really. I mean we're all just hurtling toward the grave like a bee on a Slip 'N Slide.

Jim Carrey ran onto the stage for some reason and security allowed it.

Then a 1970s game show host led the room in a spirited round of Don't Fall Asleep.

Oh, I don't know if you were aware of this but Jared Leto is a HETEROSEXUAL MAN who, yes, is an actor who plays other people, but he's still a heterosexual man who deserves awards for waxing his legs but NOT his crotch like "some of" the other guys in the room, meaning the GAY ONES. Get out of here, Jared Leto. 

This guy knew what I was talking about:

Emma Thompson did this bit where she pretended to be drunk and then threw her shoes on the floor. Personally after just spending the holidays with my family this hit a little close to home for me. Too soon, very offensive.

What was NOT offensive was Spike Jonze winning for Her. That movie was very good (in a sucker punch kind of way because ouch my heart) and I like seeing a truly exciting filmmaker win prizes. I'm old-fashioned like that. 

At this point my brain just decided that Enlightened and The Comeback were the same. I mean my heart knows they were two different shows, but then explain this picture! Enlightened featured an occasionally shirtless Kellan Lutz right? I no longer remember!

Then Seth Meyers and Julie Bowen came onstage and threw chicken bones into the rafters for what felt like seven minutes. And then something crazy happened:

Oh boy. I was going to rant about this SO MUCH but nah. I'll let you Samberg fans have this one. I'm going to be over here chilling out and listening to this lady's VERY excellent music:

Ugh, dang I really needed that. Thanks, Joanna Newsom! You are a legit genius even though I don't love your taste in husbands.

Then Charlie Sheen and Downtown Julie Brown presented the award for Best Foreign Film.

HEY I DON'T REMEMBER SELLING MY LIFE RIGHTS TO THE ITALIANS.

Then the hosts changed their dresses and walked out with gold goblets and hassled Julia Louis-Dreyfus again for switching seats back into the TV section.

This was a truly lovely image, thank you Julia Louis-Dreyfus. (P.S. I know this is only a comedy bit, but just FYI what you are eating is called a hot dog. Some of us eat them to stay alive.)

I liked this part where Melissa McCarthy pretended to be Matt Damon and Jimmy Fallon pretended to have comic timing. Just kidding, love you Jimmy Fallon! Please throw an extra shovel of dirt onto Jay Leno's grave for me!

Oh man, another very annoying actor protesting too much about NOT being gay. In this case Douglas joked that he was worried when Soderbergh suggested he play Liberace because had he been "mincing" too much? It is frankly amazing when people come SO CLOSE to being actually cool but then let their old-fashioned fears kick in and ruin it. You know, for a split-second there it really seemed like these guys had learned what it felt like to be casually denigrated all the time by an endlessly alienating world, but nope! They are just as in-the-majority as they ever were. (That is another paragraph from my diary, did you like it?)

Cartoons. I like 'em! So does the Foreign Press. Well, they like ONE of them. Something called "Frozen." 

I don't know, I haven't seen it, I don't have kids anymore.

Billy Zane was lookin' fine.

It still makes me so uncomfortable when Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen doesn't have white hair or dragons or beefy hunks at her side. Here she just has brown hair and Robin. NOT AS GOOD.

When the nominees were announced for Best Actress in a Comedy Series, Bono was giving Amy Poehler a back massage. And then when she won they full-on MACKED OUT. Perfect in my opinion. (Although Bono's purple glasses MIGHT'VE been a gag all along also? Truly a master stroke, if so.)

Yay! So happy for Amy Poehler. She is a national treasure and certainly deserved to win SOMETHING after hosting this thing for two years.

Then Emma Stone (who is perfect) came out and things started getting weird. You see, this was the Woody Allen Lifetime Achievement Award part of the show. 

A table full of Woody Allen starlets watched as Diane Keaton came out and arm wrestled her own blood alcohol level to yammer endlessly about how great Woody Allen is.

Woody Allen is a genius. Granted. But also what a weirdo! And he's very likely done bad and illegal things to good people, including family members and all that kind of thing, you know what I'm saying. But you know what, that is for the cops to sort out. I like Woody Allen movies. Well, some of them. He has like a 15% success rate, but since he's made one hundred thousand movies, that means he's made several masterpieces. Good for Woody Allen! But also, thanks for staying home, Woody Allen. This show was weird enough already. Also Diane Keaton sang a Girl Scouts hymn and my heart started racing like I was in a horror film.

Liam Neeson came out and fired a gun and shouted at foreigners! Just kidding he just mumbled something peacefully, relax. But Maggie Grace was definitely sobbing in a Jaguar outside, so who knows.

Ben Affleck (Surviving Christmas) introduced the Best Director award. Alfonso Cuaron!

Gravity was very good, but I hope Alfonso Cuaron grounded his son for writing a halfway stupid screenplay. "Jonas Cuaron, the backstory with the daughter who died playing tag was RIDICULOUS GO TO YOUR ROOM." But in Spanish.

I'm honestly not sure what was happening in this part, or in my life, or in the world in general. 

This show beat out A LOT of better shows for the Best Comedy Series trophy. Which, fine. It has Andre Braugher and Terry Crews and Chelsea Peretti. But it's like Fox has a mandate that leading ladies should all be too young and frail for their jobs? I just wish the two main women on this show didn't look like they fold sweaters at Forever 21, that's all. Like what is even the DEAL with the main lady on Brooklyn Nine-Nine? Is she a friendly ghost? Is she just a vapor cloud? Is it too late to recast her with, I don't know, Chyna? The sarcastic one is fine but so sarcastic she's boring. And again, too young and not even intimidating for a cop! I have seen every episode of this show and I still can't make heads or tails of those two characters. But I still like them both better than Andy Samberg SORRRYYYY. Anyway, congrats to Brooklyn Nine-Nine!

Here was a shot of Inside Llewyn Davis's Oscar Isaac filling everybody's water glasses and looking miserable!

Then Jennifer Lawrence came back out and wrestled with the teleprompter in order to deliver Leonardo DiCaprio a Golden Globe for comedy finally.

What a weird category this was! Leonardo DiCaprio, Christian Bale, Oscar Isaac, Bruce Dern, and Joaquin Phoenix. FOR COMEDY. Look I hate to be a purist, but no, none of those movies were comedies. Zero percent of them. Zero. Man, awards shows are such snobs about what comedy even means. My definition of comedy is a movie that is comedic. Oh wait, I guess this is "musical OR comedy" in which case the handful of folk songs in Inside Llewyn Davis qualifies it I guess. What a good category. What a good awards show.

Reese Witherspoon presented 12 Years a Slave, obviously.

Chris Hemsworth and the real-life inspiration for the Austrian driver who got real burnt up in Rush came out and introduced THAT film.

Do not ask me what was going on here. Something about Drew Barrymore maybe being a last-minute fill-in? She mumbled something about being sent onstage wrong, but who even knows what that could mean. She looked great though. I love Drew Barrymore, she's one of the good ones.

American Hustle won for Best Picture, because why not. It's a movie nobody truly loves and fewer still could even recount the plot in an comprehensible way. Jennifer Lawrence, though, she was great. Somebody ought to give her a... Oh, nevermind.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler cracked a truly dirty joke about how everyone should give Leonardo DiCaprio a warm welcome, much like a supermodel's vagina. Then the screen legit cut to black for a few seconds. I always knew this was how the world would end.

As his earlier award suggested, DiCaprio was a real king of comedy. Also he used up even more stage time to continue thanking the agents and producers he'd neglected to thank during his actual acceptance speech. Celebs are so cool sometimes!

Um, I actually mean that here. Cate Blanchett gave a very excellent and meaningful and heartfelt speech. I wanted her to stay onstage a lot longer but the music was a real brute tonight. Okay bye, Cate Blanchett.

We are so close. We are so very, very close. 

Here's what Idris Elba did when she called his name during the roll-call of Best Actor nominees:

So good. He wins. Except no wait, this guy won:

I guess I can't object to this. I haven't seen this movie (FINALLY somebody was brave enough to tell the story of a straight person with AIDS) but I like Matthew McConaughey and it's fun seeing him be a highly regarded actor. I saw Surfer, Dude like four times and I always knew he had it in him.

It was weird that someone on the level of Corey Feldman was asked to present the biggest award, but that's how the Golden Globes rolls I guess.

And the Best Picture award went to... 12 Years a Slave!

It was a very good movie and deserves everything it gets. But director Steve McQueen (NOT the angel-face hunk who plays Jeremy on TVD, sorry to get your hopes up) seemed very overwhelmed by the situation and rightly so. Hollywood is baffling most of the time but especially this day.

AND THAT WAS IT! If you missed the broadcast, you missed nothing. If you didn't miss it, you experienced something akin to a vision quest. Your spirit animal was a blinkering teleprompter and your peyote was awkward tension. Did you find yourself? I did and I didn't like it and I may never be the same.

SEE YOU AT THE OSCARS WOOOOO!!


QUESTIONS

... Who cussed the best: Jacqueline Bissett, Diane Keaton, or Elizabeth Moss?

... Were Tina Fey and Amy Poehler better or worse than last year?

... Should Steve Coogan and his wife stop flaunting their love?

... What was the night's biggest upset in your opinion and nobody else's opinion please (I mean it!)?


Previously Aired Episode

AIRED ON 1/11/2015

Season 72 : Episode 1

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