Gossip Girl Season 1 Episode 9

Dan: (about Rufus and Lily) I think it is fairly safe to assume that they have had sex.

Eleanor: Blair, he left us
Blair: No mom he left you

Alison: Just in time, but I thought you were going to bring pie.
Dan: I did, but it kind of got run over, by a taxi because I was trying to help this girl stay out of traffic.
Alison: Ah, well who needs dessert when we've got a real live hero in our midst? (to Jenny) Did you hear that? Your brother just saved a girl.
Jenny: I thought you had to be near a girl for that to happen.
Dan: Not just any girl, the girl.
Jenny: Oh, the blond you stalk at school?
Dan: Just the one.
Alison: A thing for blonds. You are your father's son.
Dan: Not just any blond, apparently I like the ones that get drunk on Thanksgiving and almost die.
Alison: Well your dad liked them dangerous and troubled too.
Dan: You were dangerous?
Alison: Who said I was talking about me?

Dan: (to his mom on the phone) The pie has been secured. Thanksgiving no longer needs to be cancelled.

Lilly: Happy Thanksgiving Blair!
Blair: Hi!
Lilly: I'm looking for my daughter, where is my little girl?
(Blair points to Serena sleeping on a chair)
Lilly: Uhm. Too much turkey?
Blair: (laughing) Uh-huh.

Alison: (referring to Serena) Are you still thinking about your dream girl?
Dan: What?
Jenny: Uh huh.
Dan: No.
Jenny: Uh huh.
Dan: No, no. I was thinking about your stuffing, mom, which looks delicious.
Alison: Yeah.
Jenny: Well, keep dreaming. Maybe one day she'll actually know your name.
Dan: Yeah, maybe. And then I'll have something to be thankful for.

Blair: Mom, he's living in Europe...with a man. You can't be all that surprised that he wants a divorce.
Eleanor: I'm not. But I am surprised by how it makes me feel. He was my husband, after all. My Harold... for almost twenty years.

Dan: So, uh, dad. Not that I'm--not that I'm mad, exactly. But, not telling me about Serena's mom? Extremely uncool.
Rufus: I should have said something, I know. And I'm sorry.
Dan: Given the ick factor alone, I'd say that you set my progress back by, at least, several months.
Rufus: Oh, come on. You're a Humphrey man. No daughter of Lily's could ever resist.

Serena: Mom is such a hypocrite. And all these years, she's been riding me about my behavior.
Eric: And here, she's just mad at you for being her.
Dan: And all the time my dad had been giving me advice based on a girl he dated...a girl "a lot like Serena".
Jenny: Her mom.
Blair: If you think about it, it makes total sense that you're mom was a groupie. I mean, only a woman that had completely satisfied her sexual appetite in her youth would ever marry your step dads.
Serena: Blair, can we not talk about my mom's appetite?
Dan: No, or who satisfied her.
Serena: That's just...
Dan, Jenny, Eric, and Serena: Gross!

Alison: I think we're splitting hairs here, Rufus. An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one.
Lily: Oh, please. Nobody's buying that. Emotional affairs are necessary to keep a marriage alive.
Alison: And how many times have you been divorced?
Rufus: Alison, this is not about Lily. This is about you and me.
Alison: Exactly! And if we're going to have any chance, then she can't be here.
Lily: What, for Thanksgiving? Or ever? (Alison looks at her) Oh, you can't be serious.
Alison: I am. Look, I have made mistakes and I know that. But, if she's in your life, you're never gonna get over her. This is it, Rufus. If you wanna make this work, then you have to make a choice.

Dan: There's no chance we're related, right?
Jenny: Look at Erik's roots.
Erik: What do you mean? What's wrong with my roots?
Jenny: They're kinda Rufus-like.
Serena (comes through the door with Blair): Hey.
Dan: Serena and Blair.
Jenny (surprised): Blair!
Blair: Yeah, it's me.
Serena: Explanation will follow. But, first, what's going on with our parents?
Jenny: Oh, uh, our dad dated your mom.
Dan: We're not related, though.
Serena: What?
Erik: Ignore my roots.
Serena: Wait, wait. Huh, what?
Blair: You know what's really weird? There's a garage door in the middle of your room! Oh. Is that Cedric?
Dan: Well, this day just got a lot worse.
Serena: Hold on. How serious were they, our parents?
Dan: Uh, I think it's safe to say that they have had sex.
Serena: Oh, oh no. No, I'm gonna faint.
Jenny: To repeat, we're not related.
Dan: She was a groupie and he was almost famous.
Blair: Suddenly, my family seems so sane.

Rufus: So, you're not overreacting per se. You're just having a reaction that is so above and beyond what is appropriate.
Alison: I have been killing myself, trying to make up for what happened in Hudson.
Rufus: Which is not an overreaction, I might add.
Alison: And then I find out that the two of you are making out at a party.
Lily: Uh, it was hardly making out. And there's an explanation.

Dan: So you threatened Lily van der Woodsen with physical violence? Mom, you are a bad-ass.
Alison: Yeah, well, what can I say? I was younger, then...and wearing steeled toed boots. No, no. We never actually came to blows. I focused on transforming my anger into art. I made some collages, I wrote a trilogy of one-act plays about her; named a character Milly. To try to be, you know, subtle.
Dan: Clever. What was so bad about her? I mean, aside from the superior fluttering eyelids and punishing sarcasm.
Alison: Well, uh, she was your dad's first great love. And she liked to remind me every chance she got. Kinda hard to compete with that.

Serena: I don't want a bath.
Nate: Aw, too bad, Blair's direct orders.
Serena: Blair's not the boss of me.
Nate: Are you in here? Because Blair is the boss of all of us. Seriously, Serena, you smell like the floor of a brewery.
Serena: I do not!
Nate: Yes, you do.
Serena: Oh, my God. Yes, I do.
Nate: Yeah.
Serena: A brewery floor with a hint of second hand smoke.
Nate: And a pint of Old Spice.
Serena: I totally need a bath.
Nate: Yes, you do.
Serena: Blair's a bossy genius.
Nate: Yeah, she is.
Serena: (using the shower head as a mic) So, what about you?
Nate: What about me? I don't smell like an ashtray.
Serena: But you look like an ass-tray.

Dan: (with an accent) Man with van, at your service.
Serena: Hey!
Dan: Hey. (turns to Lily) Uh, bold choice of attire, Mrs. van der Woodsen. Unless that's what they're wearing at the runway these days.
Serena: No, my mom is sick out because she doesn't want to be imposing.
Lily: You know what? I'm fine just curling up and reading a good book.
Eric: You're supposed to be with your family on Thanksgiving.
Dan: And Nicholas Sparks is hardly family. I'm not taking no for an answer. In fact, I'm not even asking. You're coming with us. I'm adult-napping you.
Lily: Fine, just, stop talking. And I'll get ready.
Dan: Make it snappy, I'm double parked. Thanks!

Lily: These smell great.
Eric: Yes, so we can starve in a fragrant hotel room.
Serena: We're not starving. Look, I got us into this mess and I'm gonna get us out of it.
Lily: Elaborate, Serena.
Serena: Thanksgiving at the Humphreys. Dan invited me and Eric's friends with his sister and his dad's really cool.
Eric: Awesome, I'm leaving the pumpkin.
Serena: What do you say, mom?
(Lily laughs nervously)

Serena: You couldn't make it past the salad, huh?
Dan: I opened the cranberries. My work is done. How's Blair's?
Serena: Uh, I wouldn't know. She gave me the boot.
Dan: What? She kicked you out of her house? What happened, now?
Serena: Uh, don't ask. But, the good news is my mom is going to slice us up a pumpkin. Oh, and there's a duck!

Lily: There's nothing wrong with having Chinese food on Thanksgiving.
Serena: What?!
Lily: Jews have been doing it on Christmas since forever. Look, a pumpkin! It's festive, yes?
Serena: We're gonna eat a pumpkin?

Serena: If you're sleeping with Chuck, I'd say the student has become the master.
Blair: Are you jealous? You didn't get to sleep with him first? There had to be somebody left in the Upper East Side.

Serena: You and Nate get back together?
Blair: You mean, since Gossip Girl published pictures of him and some skank?
Serena: So that's a no. What's Chuck doing today?
Blair: Why are you asking me?
Serena: Well, you guys are friends. And, Blair, look you know you can tell me anything. I'd be the last person to judge anyone.
Blair: With good reason.
Serena: Blair, I saw you with Chuck.
Blair: (sighs) I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, sleeping with him once maybe I could understand. But twice?
Serena: Wait, you slept with him?
Blair: Shhh.
Serena: Blair!
Blair: What happened to no judging?
Serena: I'm not. But I thought you wanted to wait. I thought you wanted to make things special.
Blair: Oh, so Nate gets a free pass and I'm the slut?
Serena: Tell me you didn't sleep with Chuck for revenge.
Blair: Well, it wasn't because I liked his natural musk. And, besides, nothing hurts more than sleeping with the best friend. Right, S?

Serena: (to Dan; while drunk) Bye, Dave!

Blair: I mean, who gets wasted on Thanksgiving?
Serena: The holidays are lonely for people. I wanted to keep them company. (twirls around) Whoo!
Blair: Your mom is freaking out, so my mom is freaking out.
Serena: Which means you freak out, Blair! Just cut the cord, go nuts! Come on, let's do shots! Come on!
Blair: I told Lily that you were buying a pie.
Serena: Oh, pie.
Blair: Where is your purse?
Serena: Uh, my purse...
Blair: Great! Alright, you stay here. Okay? I'm gonna go look. Don't drink or hit on anything.