Gossip Girl Season 1 Episode 11

Chuck: (via text message) So how did you fake your virginity with N?

Dan: (reading Christmas cards) This one is from the Smiths. 'Seasons Greetings.' It's very original.
Jenny: Their name is Smith, you don't have to be original.

Rufus: (on the phone) Hey Lil, you know everything closed on Christmas? The Diners claim to be open 24/7, its false advertising.

Serena: Merry Christmas!
(Dan walks into the room, decorated with fake snow, wind, and paper snowflakes)
Serena: Do you like it? Do you think its cheesey?
Dan: No, no its incredible. How did you do this?
Serena: Well, I had help from my elves.
Dan: Your present is waiting for you at home. But, um, I did bring you a little pre-present. (Hands Serena an envelope. She opens it and realizes it is his story)
Serena: This is your story.
Dan: Its the original. Right out of the spiral notebook.
Serena: I'm kinda scared to read it. What happened on October 8th, 2005?
Dan: Umm, well I was accidentally invited to a birthday party. Where I met a girl. She only spoke two sentences to me but I've never forgotten her.
Serena: Wait, your story is about me? (Dan nods and they kiss. Serena unties the top of her dress)
Dan: Are we really gonna do this?
Serena: Yeah.

Bart: (towards Lily) Look, when I commited myself to you, I meant it. You know I am in love with you. What are you waiting for?

Rufus: (on the phone outside the Palace) So, uh, Alison's leaving. She's spending some time alone with the kids. And I seem to have walked all the way from Brooklyn to your doorstep...without a jacket...in the snow. So, what the hell? I miss you. And I have been missing you for a while.

Blair: (giving Dorota a cell phone) Merry Christmas, Dorota! So, we can text. Do you like it?
Dorota: Thank you, Miss Blair.

Gossip Girl: Some families actually do make the Yuletide gay, managing to leave their troubles far away. (scene cuts to the Humphreys) Other families have a merry little Christmas even when their troubles aren't so far away. (scene cuts to the van der Woodsens) Some presents might end up getting returned. Some gifts are for keeps. (scene cuts to Rufus standing outside the Palace) Other presents come when you least expect them. (scene cuts back to Bart Bass down on one knee) And everyone knows the biggest present comes in the smallest box. (scene cuts to Blair picking up her phone to read Chuck's text message) Then there are those boxes you wish you had never opened. Have a holly, jolly Christmas! XOXO Gossip Girl.

Blair: What's going on?
Howard: We're back for Christmas.
Blair: Well, Roman, you are in for a treat because the Waldorf Christmas is like no other.

Dan: The arts and crafts were impressive, but how did you manage the real snow?
Serena: (laughs) I'm well connected.
Dan: This is, without question, the best Christmas ever.
Serena: Ever. In the history of Christmas.

Rufus: I guess by turning our backs on these other people, we thought we could fix ourselves.
Allison: Maybe other people aren't the problem. Maybe we changed.

Blair: There's no room in your life for me anymore.
Howard: Sweetheart, there is always room for you. No matter where I am. No matter who I'm with. (kisses Blair's forehead)

Dan: Hey, Mrs. van der Woods... Lily, hi!
Lily: Dan. Jenny.
Jenny: Hi!
Lily: Tree!
Dan: Yeah, um, they don't allow Christmas trees inside... which is why we're out here.
Jenny: Which is why Dan is about to ask for a favor.
Lily: Does it involve distracting Dexter and sneaking into the elevator?
Dan: Why, would that work?
Lily: No. Never. He has the eyes of a hawk and he takes his job very seriously.
Dan: So, I've noticed.
Lily: But Bobby at the service entrance, I think could be bought. Come.

Eleanor: I wish you would just slow down for a second and let her be.
Howard: Well, I just can't believe that Blair would do something so cruel. And to Roman, who only have ever been completely kind to her.
Eleanor: It isn't Roman Blair's lashing out at, it's you. She was looking forward to spending time with you alone and then you show up on our doorstep with your lover. Without a word of warning. How did you expect her to react?
Howard: Well, I hoped that once we were together, it would all work out. I suppose that was pretty naive.
Eleanor: Blair learned scheming from her mother. And unrealistic dreaming from her father. She tries really hard to act all grown up, but don't you be fooled. She's still a little girl, who needs her daddy.

Lily: When you two are done hiding up here, I'm taking you both out for dessert.
Serena: Can't, Mom. I'm busy.
Lily: But this is important for our family. It would be just the three of us.
Serena: Mom, everytime you say, "it would be just the three of us," it means you're dating someone new. Whoever it is, I don't care. I'll just see him at the wedding.
Lily: Fine. Then, I'll just tell you who it is because you're going to be seeing him around from now on. It's Bart Bass.
Eric & Serena: Bart Bass?
Serena: Mom, you cannot date Bart Bass.
Lily: You just said a moment ago you don't care who it was.
Serena: That was before I knew who it was.
Eric: He only has one facial expression. He scares me.
Serena: And he raised Chuck. That scares me.
Lily: Oh, Serena, as usual you're being overly dramatic. I'm not marrying Bart. This is very casual. And, regardless, I'm not asking your permission.

Blair: (after intimidating Vanessa) I'm going to go check on my daddy.
Serena: I thought you were going to help.
Blair: I think my work's done here.

Roman: Eleanor, we've been friends for a long time. Since before Marc Jacobs went into rehab.
Eleanor: Friends don't steal other friends' husbands.

Vanessa: Well, Dan's not really that into things.
Serena: Which makes shopping for him kind of hopeless. The only thing he wants for Christmas is snow. It's not like I can give him that.
Vanessa: (getting an idea) You sure?

Serena: Hey. I come to you hat in hand, tail between my legs, and off my high horse. I spent the entire day searching for the perfect gift for Dan. Now, all the stores are closing, Christmas day is looming and, um...I need your help.
Vanessa: I could take this opportunity to gloat, but I actually like you. So, let's get down to business.

Blair: You know, I called you about an hour ago, BTW. You're late.
Serena: Um, you're lucky I'm even here at all. It's Christmas Eve and I still haven't found a gift for Dan. Now, all the stores are closing and I'm totally screwed. Do you have any idea what you can buy for under fifty dollars these days?
Blair: I don't know. A single entrée in a mid-price restaurant? Three-quarters of a DVD box set? Maybe a pair of Wilfrid stockings?
Serena: Oh, stockings! Yes! Great idea for Dan! Blair, please, this is serious.
Blair: I don't know, why don't you buy him a gold money for forty-nine, ninety-nine. He won't know the difference.

Chuck: (answering machine) Leave a message and I might listen to it.
Blair: Chuck! You are not answering my calls. To torture me, I am sure. But, please! For the love of God, do not tell anybody about us. Okay? Please? Please.

Blair: I cannot believe that Daddy decided to stay with Roman, instead of having tea at the Carlyle with me. The ER doctor said he would make a full recovery. (sighs) Everything is ruined.
Eleanor: What makes you say that? You and I had a marvelous time.
Blair: Well, I'm sorry, Mother. It's just not the same. I don't understand how that French fox stole my father and your husband, and always seems to come off like an innocent lamb.
Eleanor: Roman was not always so innocent, you know?
Blair: (getting interested) Really? What's the story?
Eleanor: When I first met him, he was going out with this model named Freddy. And Freddy was a horrible scoundrel.
Blair: Roman would actually be into somebody like that?
Eleanor: Into him? He was actually infatuated with him. Freddy had him in some kind of spell. I was the one who got him to break out and turn his life around. Don't mention Freddy to your father. It is a sore subject.
Blair: Okay. (smiling innocently) What was Freddy's last name?

Gossip Girl: Spotted spinning at Wallman Rink, the Blair-capades. All the grace of Nancy Kerrigan, but packing the punch of Tonya Harding.

Vanessa: Hey! If it's any help, I could tell you Dan's favorite used-book shops.
Serena: That's okay. I think I got it.

Dan: Hey! What's in the bag?
Serena: Perfection! (brandishing out a black box) Look, I know it's not Christmas, yet, but open it. Please? I can't wait, I'm too excited.
Dan: (opens the box to reveal a fancy watch) Oh, my.
Serena: I noticed the other day that you don't wear a watch. And then it occurred to me it's because you don't have a watch. You're going to need one to be punctual for all the meetings with editors and publishers, now that you're fancy and, apparently, self-important writer. (looks at Dan's not so excited face) You don't like it. You want the band changed.
Dan: No! I love the band. I love the whole thing. It's the most amazing watch I've ever seen...but I can't accept this.
Serena: What? Yes, you can. Look, it's more of a gift for me because I had so much fun picking it out for you. You have to.
Dan: Serena, I buy a book for my dad every Christmas. I think the most elaborate gift I've ever given has been a pair of rubber boots from L.L. Bean.
Serena: So, then, I overdid it?
Dan: I think even your underdoing it, would be overdoing it. Look, hum, let's set some rules. Maybe, some helpful guidelines.
Serena: Fine. Deadline?
Dan: Tomorrow morning. Price limit?
Serena: Fifty bucks.
Dan: Alright. May the best gift win.

Eleanor: Roman, it is going to be so dull for you to sit and watch them skate...
Blair: Yes! Why don't you go to the petting zoo and feed the sheep?
Roman: Why don't I join you in the rink? It looks fun.
Howard: Wonderful!
Roman: Yes! Super!
Howard: I'll get you skates.
Blair: (with a fake smile) Super.

Roman: (referring to Jack Roth) The handsome man was just flirting with you.
Eleanor: That's absurd. He was not flirting with me. (hits Roman with her purse)

Blair: I can't believe you're okay with this.
Eleanor: Who said I am okay with this? What am I supposed to do? Make a scene? Behave like some pathetic, scorned wife? No!
Blair: Roman doesn't even know how to ice skate. Can't you escort him out of the park on the way to your meeting? Maybe drop him off a nail salon...

Rufus: My son, the writer.
Alison: Published writer.
Jenny: Yeah, you got your dream girl and you're star of the New Yorker. Maybe you should just die now.
Dan: It's true. I may have peaked.

Blair: (to a passing cab) Hey! Nice holiday spirit, Scrooge!
Serena: Oh, gosh. It's gonna be a real Waldorf Christmas?
Blair: A real Waldorf Christmas eve. Eleanor drew the line at Christmas day. That's only for me, her, and Dorota.
Serena: Well, it's still a couple days with your dad.
Blair: No, it'll be more than just a couple of days. I'm going to convince him to stay in New York.
Serena: What about Paris and Roman?
Blair: Roman is a phase. My father belongs here with me. He only left New York to ride out the scandal. It's time to come home, don't you think? Hey, did you want to ask me something?
Serena: Yes! A gift idea for Dan, now that Vanessa brought him the most thoughtful Dan-like present ever.
Blair: Why don't you just buy a new outfit for Cedric and call it a day?
Serena: Thank you! For being totally not helpful, at all. See you tomorrow night.
Blair: Bye!

Gossip Girl: Hey, Upper East Siders! It's Christmas in New York. And along with the season comes the Constance Billard-St. Jude's Bazaar; where the only thing bizarre are the donated items for sale.

Gossip Girl: (about Blair) Looks like Daddy's girl isn't sugar and spice and everything nice after all.