Grey's Anatomy

Season 10 Episode 18

You Be Illin'

Aired Thursday 8:00 PM Apr 03, 2014 on ABC



  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Richard (as his stomach starts to gurgle): Oh, this is bad. I'm goin' home.

    • Derek (sighs): I missed it.
      Meredith: You did.
      Derek: Are they all gone? Gerhardt Strauss? Were they pissed?
      Meredith: No, actually, it went pretty well. They all seemed sold. Except for the Estonian guy. He was lost.
      Derek: Wait. What happened?
      Meredith: Look. (hands him tablet, playing a video of Mer doing the speech) I told you-- I heard it enough times.
      Derek: You did my speech.
      Meredith: Well... I kind of did my speech.

    • Alex: You actually dug my crap out of the trash. There's like 85 jokes I could make right now.
      Jo: Go ahead, chuckles. Make your jokes. But sit down and pay your bills while you giggle.
      Alex: Why do you even care?
      Jo: I know that you would rather just shove stuff aside, out of sight, out of mind, but the longer you wait, the worse you make it. Look at your dad. You avoided him for years, and when you finally had to deal with him, it was torture. But you dealt with him. And there's no way you can tell me that you don't feel better.
      Alex: It's that easy, huh?
      Jo: Yeah. It's an easy fix. And easy fixes are just so satisfying.

    • (Callie is talking to Arizona outside of the bathroom door)
      Callie: It's just exciting. You know, you meet someone and there's just... a connection. Oh, we just clicked. She just-- I don't know. She get it. She gets me. And there's still every chance that it might not work out. I mean, only something like 4% of ortho surgeons are women. But that's also why it would be so cool.
      Arizona (weakly): Callie.
      Callie: Yeah? (opens door to find Arizona sitting on the bathroom floor) Oh, my god. Did you fall?
      Arizona: No, no, no. The floor is just really nice and cool. (points to toilet) And this is my friend. But guess what?
      Callie: What?
      Arizona: I've still got it. My superpowers are intact. Yay.
      Callie: Super.

    • (Shane is sleeping, Steph feels his forehead, then hits his pillow)
      Stephanie: You're not even warm!
      Shane: I do feel much better.
      Stephanie: I have been changing diapers, restarting I.Vs, gettin' peed on. I missed out on a surgery 'cause you're up here sleepin' off your imaginary illness.
      Shane: Are the kids okay? Did any of them get sick?
      Stephanie: No, they're fine. You won't be.
      Shane: Oh, thank you, Stephanie. Seriously.
      Stephanie: You're welcome.
      Cristina (walks in): Ross. How are the conduit patients?
      Shane: Uh, they're great. Great numbers, no problems. Perfect day 30.
      Cristina: Good. Well, I'll see you upstairs, we'll get started on the report. (walks away)
      Stephanie: So you're just--
      Shane: All your weekend calls, and I'm your swap monkey for two months.

    • Meredith: You can't do this.
      Derek: If I can do surgery, I can stand and talk to people. I have to.
      Meredith: It's not worth it.
      Derek: See, you've never really been om board with this whole project.
      Meredith: No, Derek, at some point, you have to ask yourself is your presence here going to do more harm than good? Trust me. You're better off calling this thing off than to get up on that stage and vomit... or worse.
      Derek: Meredith, I have no choice. This is what we do. We push through. (walks a few feet then faints)

    • Arizona: Hey, where have you been? You've got five kids to discharge.
      Alex: This place is disgusting. Aren't you supposed to be uh, sick by now?
      Arizona: Oh, crap. I'm losing my touch. It was my superpower. And now I've lost it.
      Alex: How much money do you make?
      Arizona: Excuse me?
      Alex: I mean, as an attending here, what's your salary?
      Arizona: I'm not answering that.
      Alex: Why, because you're ashamed?
      Arizona: No, because it's classless. And you should be ashamed, you hobo.
      Alex: Look, just tell me.
      Arizona: No, get to work, Alex.

    • Callie: Ooh, you're feelin' it, aren't 'ya? The ortho glow.
      Jo (laughs): Ooh, is that what this is?
      Callie: Ohh, you know, I can be fairly turbulent myself. Yeah, I've had my share of things to get angry about. Ortho's saved me a couple of times. I get to work my crap out and someone else is healed in the process and I get paid. It's a win-win-win.
      Jo: Right now I feel like I might never get angry again.
      Callie (laughs): Oh, sweetie. You date Alex Karev. You always have a reason to be angry.

    • Richard: Feels good, doesn't it, Murphy? You know, I remember working a 24-hour shift through a bout of salmonilla in my third year. Pork was the culprit. Bad pork. It tasted fine, but I remember it being a little... slick. But a physician doesn't succumb to illness. She conquers it, right? (Leah doesn't say anything) Right, Murphy? What's the matter? (Leah is silent)
      Meredith: Are you not answering because you've thrown up in your mouth? (Leah nods) Back away from the field, Murphy.
      Richard: Yeah, go home. Good effort, Murphy. (Leah leaves the O.R.)
      Meredith: Lightweight.
      Richard: What a wuss.

    • (Derek is operating in a HazMat suit)
      April: How you doing, Dr. Shepherd?
      Derek: I'm good. Just... taking it slowly.
      Bailey: Almost... imperceptibly slow. At this rate, you're not even gonna make your big conference.
      Derek: Okay, Kepner, step in here. (they trade places) Denude the sinus of mucosa. As a trauma surgeon, you need to learn this.
      Bailey: Especially since he's about to ralph in his space suit.
      Derek: Bailey, shut up. (Bailey laughs)

    • (Callie hands Jo the hammer and driver in the O.R)
      Jo: Really?
      Callie: Really. Alright, here. (places Jo's hands) Hold that there. That. Now, you got to hit it hard.
      Jo: This just-- It-- This feels wrong.
      Callie: No, hey, look, I told you the bone is misaligned, alright, so we have to complete the break before we can put it back together. (Jo lightly hits the driver. Callie laughs) Oh, my god. Don't be a weenie.
      Jo: I can't!
      Callie: Look, you're stronger than you think. Now just--
      Jo: No, I'm stronger than you think. I've put guys in the hospital before.
      Callie: Okay, yeah, I know. The guy from O.B.
      Jo: And two guys before him.
      Callie: Wow. Okay. Wow.
      Jo: Look, when I get mad, I get... (sighs) I don't trust myself. That's why I thought I hurt him this morning. I don't want to do this. I don't want to hurt people. I want to fix them.
      Callie: Well, this is the only way to fix him. And it's an easy fix. Look, that's the nice thing about ortho. Most of them are easy fixes, but they take strength and power that not a lot of people have... or the fearlessness.
      Jo (hits the driver hard and exhales): What's next?
      Callie: Uh, next. Next. We drill.
      Jo: Yes!

    • (Derek is doing surgery in a HazMat suit)
      April: You look really cool.
      Bailey: You don't look ridiculous at all. How do you feel?
      Derek: I'm fine. Let's keep working.
      Bailey: Roger Major Tom. Commencing countdown.

    • Leah: Another liter of saline, please.
      Meredith: Murphy, he's already got a unit of L.R hanging. Keep up.
      Leah: It's not for him. It's for me.
      Richard: Murphy, are you on an I.V?
      Leah: I'm sorry. It's just that I'm super dehydrated. And I can't keep anything down. It's really helping with the dizziness, too.
      Meredith: Maybe you should go home.
      Richard: Yeah, Murphy, maybe you should--
      Leah: No! No, I have found a way to push through, and I'm not gonna break the unspoken rule everyone keeps speaking about. It's like you say, sir-- Unless my presence here... is doing my patient more harm than my absence would, it's my duty to stay.
      Richard: Impressive, Murphy. I'm proud of you.
      Leah (chuckles): Yay me.

    • Arizona: Hey, okay. So what'd you think?
      Alex: Well, the surgery was cool, but uh, Lebackes-- You like that guy?
      Arizona: Yeah, he's ridiculously talented and he runs a really fun O.R.
      Alex: Yeah, just ask him.
      Lebackes (walks up after talking with the patient's mom): That's the good part. That's the money in there. It never gets old. Well, long day, successful surgery. You know what time it is now?
      Alex: Time for more surgeries?
      Lebackes: Time to unwind. Karev, you play golf?

    • Alex: It's not a big deal. My student loans are differed until after my fellowship.
      Jo: Which ends really soon! Alex, based on your current salary, it's gonna take you 20 years to pay off the full amount! (Callie walks in, and tries to walk around them, but has to walk between them) And that's with a fixed interest rate and paying twice the monthly minimum. You wait any longer, it'll atomize! You're--
      Alex: Alright, back off, Scrooge McDuck! I'll be fine.
      Jo: Your face is Scrooge McDuck! (Alex walks out, Callie chuckles)
      Callie: Your rejoinders need work. (chuckles)
      Jo: I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that. You know, can I just-- Can I just take a minute? I need to cool down.
      Callie: Oh, no. No, no, no. That kind of rage is exactly what we're gonna need. Keep it going.

    • Stephanie (after she takes Shane's temperature): 98.6.
      Shane: But I have a cough. Feel my glands.
      Stephanie: I'm not touching your glands.
      Shane: I've got to take care of my conduit kids.
      Stephanie: Yes! First of all, swap monkey.
      Shane: I have not fallen, but those are helpless children in there, and if I expose them to this bug, it could set back the research.
      Stephanie: Drink some tea and be a man.
      Shane: I'll take weekend calls for you... for a month.
      Stephanie: You know, I'd have done it anyway 'cause those are just helpless little children.

    • Cristina: What are the odds, dealing with two cardiomyopathies on the same day?
      Owen: I know, and you had your trial patients to think about. But Ross can handle that.
      Cristina: No, I'm saying, 'What are the odds?' Presenting at the same age in two sisters. It's weird, isn't it?
      Owen: Really weird. Tell you what, you do the girl's pacemaker stat. I'll look into the family history and we'll figure it out.

    • April: What's so wrong with wanting to help somebody? It's our profession, for god's sake.
      Bailey: Well, if the man doesn't want help...
      April: He's not a goat!
      Bailey: No, he is not. Boy, is he not.
      April: He doesn't need to separate from the flock and crawl to the back on the barn to tough it out by himself. I wanna help.
      Bailey: Then welcome to your next 30 years.
      April: What do you mean?
      Bailey: You're gonna want to help him. He's going to want to help himself. Neither of you is going to change. Get used to this argument.
      April: Might as well just let him suffer?
      Bailey: If that's what he wants, go get a pedicure and count your blessings. Look, there's two kinds of man sick-- The Jackson kind and the Ben Warren kind. Now, when I get home tonight, Dr. Ben Warren will call out 'Miranda' from his fetal position on the couch and beg me for saltines and a wet washcloth for his head. Jackson's crawl-away-like-a-goat kind is the good one.

    • Callie (looking at an X-ray): Oh, man. That is a nasty break. You see this? He has an old fracture that never healed properly. See how it's mal-aligned? Left the bone weaker than it should have been. (looks to Jo who is looking down) Wilson?
      Jo: I think that this is my fault. (sighs) The guy was getting to me and I was pissed and then I was just trying to restrain him and I--
      Callie: You think you broke his arm? (Jo nods, Callie chuckles) Wilson, don't flatter yourself. Tetanus spasms can be so intense they've been known to over-torque and snap bones.
      Jo: He broke his own arm?
      Callie: Mmhmm. But we're not gonna be able to realign the new break without re-breaking the old fracture.
      Jo: So you have to break his bone in order to put it back together again?
      Callie: No. I think you do.
      Jo: I can't do that.
      Callie: You thought you could a second ago.

    • Nurse Tyler: You want me to put the entire unit on lockdown...
      Shane: Yes.
      Nurse Tyler: ... because of the flu.
      Shane: Yes.
      Nurse Tyler: No.
      Shane: All due respect, Dr. Yang left me in charge.
      Nurse Tyler: That's cute. Listen, I'm in charge of the C.C.U. You're in charge of three patients.
      Shane: Three very important patients who need protection from the--
      Nurse Tyler: I'm not done. You can put your patients in pod 3, then you can institute whatever kind of lockdown that makes your little heart sing. I have no nurses to spare, so you're on your own. (Shane coughs) Now I'm done. (Shane coughs again) You should get that looked at.

    • Arizona: You know, they teach Dr. Lebackes' technique in med school now.
      Lebackes: Dr. Robbins, you're making me blush. Everyone has to have a specialty, right? And everybody has to poop.
      Alex: Do you always listen to music like this during surgery?
      Lebackes: Anything with a beat. We spend enough time here at work. It oughta be fun, right? The 80s were nothin' if not fun.
      Arizona: I know this is old hat for you, Oliver, but Dr. Karev has never seen this procedure first hand. Do you wanna walk him through it?
      Lebackes: Oh, god. I'm sorry. Yeah, uh, kill the music, would you?
      Alex: Uh, no, it's cool. It looks like you used a posterior sagittal approach, and then divided the parasagittal fibers in the midline. I'm guessing you'll open the levator muscle next?
      Lebackes: Boy wonder knows his stuff. (Alex makes a face) You think I'm the only one with a nickname around here?

    • Shane: Oh, get away from here.
      Stephanie: No, come on. The pit's a hot zone. If I stay down there I'm gonna get sick. Come on. (Leah sniffles and wipes her nose) Okay, you should go home.
      Leah: No, I'm pushing through.
      Shane: Well, push through somewhere else. You're too close to my patients. And you have a sheen. (takes a sip of coffee)
      Leah: Oh, are you enjoying that coffee? (Shane looks at his mug) Because I did when I took a big sip of it in the lounge this morning.
      Shane: You didn't.
      Leah: Did I?

    • Meredith: Are you okay?
      Derek: Uh, if you can speak Estonian. My translator called in sick.
      Meredith: You don't look good. Are you getting this thing?
      Derek: I don't get sick. It's an unspoken rule.
      Leah: Spoken. Twice today.
      Derek: Yeah, well, even if I were gonna get sick, it's not gonna happen today. Murphy, you look awful.
      Leah: I'm pushing through.
      Derek: You know, get away from me.

    • Derek: Oh, wow. He's here.
      Meredith: Who's here?
      Derek: He came.
      Meredith: Is that Gerhardt Strauss? Gerhardt Strauss is coming to your thing?
      Derek: I told you, Meredith, it's a big deal.
      Gerhardt Strauss (walks up): Dr. Derek Shepherd. It's a pleasure to meet you.
      Derek: Dr. Strauss, the pleasure's all mine. Thank you for coming.
      Gerhardt Strauss: I was, uh, intrigued, Shepherd. Your project was the talk of the E.U neuroscience conference. Mostly, people were wondering whether it was a serious effort or just a P.R stunt for your president.
      Derek: Well, you'll feel more confident after the presentation.
      Gerhardt Strauss: Well, I have no doubt that you will charm and dazzle us. I just hope that it is not a big, um... What is the phrase you use? Um...
      Derek: Hype?
      Gerhardt Strauss: No, no, no.
      Meredith: Flash over substance?
      Gerhardt Strauss: No, no, no, no. Um, uh, com-- Complete waste of my time. I look forward to it.
      Derek: Oh, good, thank you. (Gerhardt walks away)
      Meredith: Sure you feel okay?

    • Bailey: Hey, Braden Morris is here? He was my patient a few years ago. What's goin' on?
      April: His meds stopped working. He's got acute frontal sinusitis. It's spreading fast.
      Jackson (comes out of Braden's room): Well, it's a Potts puffy tumor, should get to surgery right away, get it drained. Make sure it doesn't spread and--
      April: You look horrible. (feels his forehead)
      Bailey: Yeah, correct. You look horrible. What's goin' on with you?
      Jackson (bats April's hand away): Oh, nothing. It's-- my stomach's a little screwy. I'm fine. Gonna go book an O.R, though.
      April: No, you're not, the best thing you can do for this kid is to be nowhere near him.
      Bailey: Because you look horrible. Yeah, I can drain a Potts puffy tumor. Go home.
      April: Yeah, you should go home. You need to--
      Jackson (puts his head down on the counter): I'm fine. Okay? I can take care of myself.
      April: Mmhmm.
      Jackson: Maybe I will.
      April: Yes, you should go home, put on some good, fluffy socks. Oh, there's soup in the pantry, and go get in the shower and sit in it to--
      Jackson: April! I know how to be sick. I'm not even sick. (walks away)
      April: Just trying to help him.
      Bailey: Well, let's go help him. (walks into Braden's room)

    • Arizona (to Callie): Ooh, hey. I'm gonna need you to get Sofia to school in the morning 'cause I'm going to be home sick.
      Alex: This again.
      Callie: No, no, this is her superpower. She looks fine now, but--
      Alex: She is fine.
      Arizona: No, I'm thinking it's gonna be about three days. So you know what? You should cancel dinner with Pam and them, too.
      Callie: Oh, no, can you call? I-I don't even have a resident today, and everyone's out with the plague, so... (walks away)
      Alex: Speaking of cancelling, are you sure Dr. Butthole's gonna be here? He's already late.
      Lebackes: Dr. Butthole has arrived. I get that a lot. Also, Dr. Poop Chute, Dr. Rear Gear, Dr. Rump Chump. But my favorite-- The Sphincter fairy. My friends call my Oliver, (to Arizona) and you, you look radiant as always.
      Arizona: Oh, it's really nice to see you, Ollie.
      Alex: Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't-- I-I-I wasn't--
      Lebackes: Oh, no offense taken. I'll just cry myself asleep tonight on my piles and piles of money.

    • Derek: Yeah, this is a U.S project, but I believe our-- Our best approach is to open our doors to welcome your participation. You know, we're trying to gain a comprehensive understanding of the most complex object in the world-- Our brain. We are willing to take every great mind we can access to do it-- Your minds. We welcome you. Thank you for joining us. (baby Bailey coos) That was great. You did a good job.
      Meredith (clears throat): I went up to daycare to find my son missing.
      Derek: Yeah, I needed an audience. Look, sit down. Let me go over this again with you, okay?
      Meredith: Oh, no, no, no. I've heard that speech so many times I could do it myself. Stop boring our son.
      Derek: Is it boring? I have 50 scientists from around the world coming here today. It's gotta be charming. It's a big deal.
      Meredith: I know it's a big deal, which is why I will get out of your way. (picks up Bailey) And I"m taking my son with me because I don't want his first word to be hypothalamus. (kisses him)
      Derek: There are worst first words.

    • Cristina: Crap.
      Shane: Crap. I know.
      Owen (walks up): Hey, what's wrong?
      Cristina: A donor heart just showed up for my cardiomyopathy kid.
      Owen: Help me out with why that's bad.
      Cristina: It's just bad timing.
      Shane: Today's day 30 of recovery for our conduit trial patients-- The last day for our report to the N.I.H.
      Owen: Which will inform your Harper Avery consideration.
      Cristina: I-- You said that. I didn't. But yes. I plan on spending all day with the conduit kids to ensure we end up with the most optimal results.
      Owen: And instead, you have to save the life of a little girl. That sucks.
      Cristina: Oh, I know. ... Oh, you're be facetious.
      Owen: Yeah. (walks away)
      Shane: He's right. And it would be nice to get back into the O.R, won't it? (Cristina hands him the tablet) Oh, no.
      Cristina: Yes. You stay with the trial patients. Keep them safe and warm. Today's numbers have got to be the best they've ever been.
      Shane: There are nurses that can--
      Cristina: Shane, there's a bug going around this hospital. If one of those patients' conduits gets infected, the trial dies. I'll join you when I'm done. This trial is my baby, Shane. Don't let my baby die.

    • Richard: Ross, you're on cardio. Wilson, neuro. Edwards. you're on general with me and Grey-- Crohn's perforation.
      Stephanie: Yes!
      Richard: Uh, Warren, pit.
      Jo: Out sick.
      Richard: Uh, Campbell.
      Stephanie: Oh, Campbell's out sick, too. A third of us are down with a stomach bug thing.
      Leah: Actually, sir, I'm going home sick.
      Richard: Murphy, doctors aren't sick. Patients are sick. That's why there are doctors. Look, unspoken rule, people-- Surgeon stays home, patient suffers, as well as the doctors who have to cover for you. You don't stay home. You push through. Alright. Wilson, pit. Edwards, neuro. Murphy, you're with me and Grey, let's go.
      Leah: Yes, sir. (Richard walks out) If it's an unspoken rule then why did he just tell us about it?
      Stephanie: Oh, you're just pissed 'cause you already lost the bet.
      Leah: What bet?
      Stephanie: The bet wherein the first one of us to fall due to illness today has to swap monkey for a week.
      Leah: What's swap monkey?
      Jo: All next week, one of us doesn't like our service, we can trade with the swap monkey, and they can't refuse.
      Shane: You just made this up.
      Stephanie: Well, that doesn't make it any less amazing.
      Shane: I'm in. Getting sick isn't even an option for me. It's a huge day for the conduit trial. I can't lose.
      Stephanie: No, you're right. You can't lose because Leah already did!
      Leah: I did not lose. I am not going down. You're the one who's gonna be... (looks like she's going to be sick) Oh, god. (runs out)
      Jo: Where is she going?
      Shane: Bathroom.
      Stephanie: Dead man walking.

    • Jackson: We'll only be like 15 minutes late.
      April: Oh, we wouldn't be late at all if you put the key on the hook. I put it by the door so you would always know where it is.
      Jackson: I know the hook. I play with the hook. (pulls her close to him) I'm not a hook guy.
      April: Oh, real-- I'm not a-- I'm not a can't find the keys kind of girl. (Jackson kisses her)
      Jackson: Mmhm. That's what I'm saying, though, right? You do you, and I do me. (kisses her neck)
      April: Okay, well, your you makes me late for our work. (they kiss)

    • Arizona: Okay, I'm gonna call Dr. Lebackes and move up our anoplasty because I'm gonna be sick this afternoon.
      Alex: What are you, psychic?
      Arizona: No, I felt it-- You know, the sick. A kid sneezed on. I felt it go in. It looked around, and it sat down.
      Alex: What, you felt that?
      Arizona: Yes. I've been doing this a while. You start to develop a sense. I've got seven hours, tops.
      Alex: So let's just cancel.
      Arizona: No. 1 in 5,000 babies is born without--
      Alex: Without a butthole, right.
      Arizona: With a birth defect resulting in an imperforate anus. Alex, you need to learn this.
      Alex: Alright, fine. But do I have to learn it from Dr. Butthole?
      Arizona: Don't call him that. Dr. Lebackes is a great pediatric surgeon who specializes in anoplasty. And you haven't even met him yet.
      Alex: Oh, I know him. These private-practice docs are only about seeing how much they can charge.
      Arizona: Hey, cancel tomorrow's procedures, okay?
      Alex: Why?
      Arizona: Because I will be sick. Okay, I'll page you when I get a time from Lebackes.
      Alex: Just tell me with your mind.

    • Meredith: (closing voiceover) It's a known fact that doctors make the worst patients. We ignore our symptoms until we're facedown on the ground. We like to think we're a different species than our patients. But none of us are invincible. Eventually, we have to face the fact that we're human, and that sometimes even the mightiest of us need help.

    • Meredith: (opening voiceover) The average person touches their face about 18 times every waking hour. That leaves you susceptible to infection about 100 times a day. Infection has a nasty habit of taking advantage of our everyday behaviors. It spreads by touching doors, desks, elevator buttons, pens, sharing cups. Even money. All we can do is try our best to prevent it from spreading. Because once it's out there, the infection usually wins.

  • Notes

  • Allusions