Ben's middle name is given as only Humphrey. It would be extended to Hubert Horatio Humphrey in later episodes.
Carol: This is so exciting! The roar of the mighty presses! Ink coursing through my veins. Maybe I've got what it takes. Maybe I don't. But I'll never find out if I don't leap into the darkness and give my all.
Mike: If she sings, "I Gotta Be Me," I swear I'll throw up.
(Maggie struggles with Carol's article)
Jason: Carol's paper can't be that bad.
Maggie: She wrote about guys who dig for clams.
Jason: Well, what's wrong with that?
Maggie: She called it, "I Clam, Therefore I Am."
Maggie: (reading Carol's article) Listen to this:
"Night obduces the isthmus 'neath its obsidian mantle. The mollusks imbibe one last sip twixt their valves and expel the day's muculence."
Jason: She could be pushing a little.
Maggie: Jason, read this.
Jason: "With dexterous manipulation of his digits, the master clammer extricates the muculent mollusk from its lapideous ménage."
Maggie: Jason, what am I gonna tell her? She asked for my honest opinion.
Jason: No kid wants your honest opinion. They want unconditional approval.
Maggie: And what if you don't approve?
Jason: Then you have a significant dilemma, much like the one you're in now.
Maggie: Thank you, Dr. Seaver.
Maggie: Oh, come on, Jason, help me out here.
Jason: Well, look, we want this to be a learning experience for her.
Maggie: Go on.
Jason: And all learning is based on positive reinforcement.
Jason: See, if you want a pigeon to perform, you reward it with a pellet.
Maggie: What are you saying?
Jason: I'm saying we should have had pigeons. They're easier to raise.
Maggie: (accepting Jason's suggestions) You're right. Accentuate the positive.
Jason: Yes. Be gentle and nurturing and supportive. Then if that doesn't work, you simply tie her to the bed and set her Reeboks on fire.
Mike: Jerry says we bet on Undulate in the eighth.
Ben: I say we bet on Arbitrary.
Ben: Why not?
Mr. Simmons: Your writing, it stinks.
Mr. Simmons: Excuse me, I forgot who I was talking to. It is replete with stinkiosity.
Carol: If I want to be a writer, I'll write a novel. At least nobody trains their puppy on Moby Dick.
Maggie: Mike, will you get your sister, please?
Mike: (yells up stairs) Yo, Fido, dinner!
Carol: I'll be right down, fire hydrant.
Mike: This is The Walt Whitman Chronicle. It's one of the great papers. It's up there with Charmin and Nice 'N' Soft.