Growing Pains

Jason: (thinking to himself) Oh, boy. How'm I gonna tell Maggie? Look at her, all safe and secure, in her little pink robe whipping up eggs. God, that's sexy!

(Jason imagines Maggie's reaction) Jason: Mike has, uh, moved out. Maggie: Oh, that's nice. Jason: What, you're not upset? Maggie: Heck, no. We can have more kids. In fact, I'm in the mood to start trying right now. (sweeps everything off breakfast table and sprawls seductively on it) Jason: (snapping to reality) Yeah, right!

Maggie: I'm going after him! Jason: Where? Maggie: To New York. Jason: How do you know he's in New York? Maggie: Oh, Jason, you know what city he's in and you stand here in your pajamas and robe like... like Hugh stinkin' Hefner!

Maggie: I never got to chance to tell him goodbye. Bye, Mike. It was fun raising you. Jason: No, it wasn't, Maggie. It was a nightmare. Maggie: Oh! So you're happy he's gone! Jason: I'm not happy, Maggie. I'm distraught. I'm hurt. I'm at a loss here, but come on, I love that no good, irresponsible, selfish, hard-headed, crafty, opportunistic, dangerous outlaw of a son. Maggie: (weeping) He's so cute when he lies!

Jason: Mike has moved to New York and we're pretty upset. Carol: Mike has moved to New York? Well, isn't that nice? I mean, here I am, a Columbia student who has to leave at 7 a.m. to make a 10 o'clock class. But do I live in New York? Nooo! I have to wait at a bus stop and get splashed with mud by a traveling salesman who then stops his car and offers to wipe me off without using his hands!

Mike: Bob, Bob, Bob! What do you do if you don't know your address? Bob: Look inside your underwear. Mike: It's just that I haven't found a place yet. I mean, do you know where I can find a nice, clean little apartment for say, one, two hundred dollars a month? Bob: Yeah. Milwaukee.

Mike: Kate, I did it. I moved to New York and I'm starring in a play. Kate: Broadway??? Mike: Uh, off Broadway. Kate: How far off? Mike: Uh, there's a nursing home on the second floor.

Mike: Okay, look, Kate, here's the truth. I just moved away from home. I got a hundred bucks in my pocket and I got no place to live. I mean, it would only be for a couple of days. A week. Six months, tops.

Waitress: You been here for hours. You wanna stay, you gotta order some food. Mike: Uh, well, excuse me, but that sign in the window clearly offers a bottomless cup of coffee. Waitress: (gruffly) It also says "friendly service."

Mike: Look, lady, here's the truth. I'm an actor without a place to stay. Would you please cut me a break? Waitress: You want a break? I'll tell you about breaks. Forty years ago, I understudied Mary Martin in South Pacific and that broad never even once got sick. So I joined the circus and spent my reproductive years with the two-headed man. Would you like to see a picture of my kids?

Jason: Psst, Carol! Psst! Carol: Dad, I need to talk to you. Jason: (nonstop run-on) I'm not asking you to violate any confidences you have with your brother, but if you see Mike, I want you to give him this money, do not say it's from me, I want him to learn a lesson but I don't want him to suffer, enough said, get away from me!

Jason: I think what your mother's trying to say is that maybe this isn't the right time. Maggie: I'll tell her what I'm trying to say, thank you very much. Jason: Honey, I'll talk to her. It's okay. I can take care of things. Maggie: Oh, like you took care of things with Mike? Jason: Oh, now we're blaming me all of a sudden? Maggie: No, I've blamed you all along!

Maggie: If you were adult enough to move out, you'd be adult enough to know this is rotten time to be having this stinking conversation! Carol: So I'm trapped here till I die? Maggie: No, honey, the odds are you'll outlive your dad and me.

Carol: Mike, what are you doing here? You look filthy and disgusting. Mike: Uh, yeah, but after I shower, I'll be fine.