Growing Pains

Carol: Mike, I need your help. Mike: I know. But I don't do electrolysis.

Carol: Now, I figured the plan out, but you have got to help me. Mike: Why have I "got to help you?" Carol: Because. Because you're my brother and you love me. (Mike gives a bemused look) Carol: Because you're a scumbucket and I'll give you 20 bucks? Mike: Done deal.

Mike: Alright, what's your plan? Carol: Actually, you gave me the idea when you said I should blow the interview by belching and smelling bad. Mike: (sniffs Carol) Okay. But can you belch?

(Carol explained her plan) Mike: All right, Carol! You know, Carol, it saddens me when I think of what a sleazemeister you could have been if you'd only applied yourself when you were young.

Carol: Alright, now, I'll meet you downstairs in an hour. Mike: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, you expect me to get a whole new set of parents in an hour? I couldn't do that in a day! I've tried.

Carol: Maybe, maybe we can clear Fred up and put one of Dad's suits on him. But Wilma has no teeth! Wilma: Hey! I got teeth. Just didn't bring 'em with me, that's all.

Mr. Jefferson: So, uh, I'm anxious to meet your parents. Carol: Well, only my dad's gonna be here. My mom, as you know, is a news reporter and she's out of town on a story. Mr. Jefferson: Oh, I understand. "All the news that's fit to print." (laughs) Carol: Actually, it's television news. Mr. Jefferson: Oh, well, if you don't tell anybody, neither will I.

Fred: (posing as Jason) Say, can I get you a sherry? Mr. Jefferson: No, thank you. Fred: Great! More for me.

Mr. Jefferson: I'm sorry your wife won't be joining us this evening. Fred: (posing as Jason) Oh, yes. I'm sick about the fact that Mickey can't be here. Mr. Jefferson: Mickey? Isn't that Maggie? Fred: Uh, Mickey's just my pet name for her when we're in the sack.

Mr. Jefferson: Well, Carol, let me begin by saying that your high school grades are nothing short of spectacular. Carol: Thank you. Mike: Hey, do you believe she got those straight-As after missing six whole months because of reform school? Mr. Jefferson: Reform school? Carol: Little misunderstanding over a knife. Fred: We're damn proud of the little slut.

Mr. Jefferson: Dr. Seaver, is this what you told Carol Boston College is like? Fred: Well, to tell you the truth, bub, I don't remember much about the actual classes. Me and Maggie were pretty much into discovering our bodies back then. That's actually how Mike here came along.

Ben: Man, I knocked the snot out that little kid. I think I knocked a couple of teeth loose. Isn't that great, Dad? Mike: Yeah! Just like you said, right, Pop? Fred: Oh, right, right. Like I always tell ya, son, never be scared to sucker punch somebody just 'cause they're a girl in a lower grade.

Mike: Listen, Fred, Fred. How would you like to double your money for another part–a college recruiter? Fred: A challenging dual role??? Okay!

(Fred asked for sherry) Jason: Sorry, I'm all out. Can I get you anything else? Fred: Uh, sure. Jason: What? Fred: Like you said, "anything else."

Fred: (posing as Mr. Jefferson) Uh, Carol, what's your number one reason for attending Boston University? Maggie: Uh, isn't it Boston College? Fred: Well, it's obvious you haven't read the alumni flyers. We're expanding into a full university!

Fred: Have you thought about a major yet? Carol: Well, actually I was planning on... Fred: Lemme guess. You're going to follow in your old man's footsteps and study, uh, podiatry. Jason: Psychiatry. Fred: Excuse me. I believe this is Carol's interview.