Half & Half

Phyllis: (about Charles' assistant) We used to have lunch once a week to bitch about Ol' Short 'n' Stingy.

Kendra: What are you here for anyway? Big Dee Dee: Prostate surgery.

Kendra: Anyone else have goosebumps? Big Dee Dee: You're gonna have two-inch goosebump in the middle of your forehead if you don't lay off the sunshine, Britney!

Phyllis: We don't need some campfire nonsense to get ahead. We already got the real power!

Phyllis: What kind of man goes off to the woods when his wife's having a baby? And why couldn't he have done that with me and stayed there?

Big Dee Dee: To top it off, I don't have my delivery hair!

Mona: (when Dee Dee complains she took too long to show up) Sorry. The Bat Phone's on the fritz.

Mona: (to Drew) That's your mama, not mine.

Spencer: (about Newlyweds) Every time Jessica Simpson says something stupid, we have to do a shot. Phyllis: Y'all must really be trying to get drunk.

Big Dee Dee: Alert the dry cleaners to a fabric emergency. God knows I love my little boy, but nobody's messing with my Valentino.

Big Dee Dee: (about Charles' retreat) It's not only a sign that you've arrived, it's a sign that I've arrived, and I so like arriving!

Big Dee Dee: My goodness, you have a leak. (pause) My goodness, I have a leak!

Charles: When Mona and Dee Dee were born, I wasn't expected to be in the room for the birth. Phyllis: If I recall, you were barely in the room for the conception.