Half & Half

(Spencer runs into Mona's office) Spencer: I'm keeping my job! (sees that Kai is there) Sorry. Mona: Well, Spencer, you're the first to know, I've lost mine. (Adam hits gong)

Phyllis: Haven't you seen 'A Star Is Born'? That drunk didn't leave Barbra because of the white girl Afro. Although that had to be a big part of it.

Mona: We're all cogs in the spokes of the wheels of the something like that.

Adam: Gather 'round! I have some news that will rock your world! Mona: You're turning straight? Adam: I said 'rock your world,' not 'propel us into an alternate universe.'

Big Dee Dee: (to Dee Dee) We will find you a plum role in the birthing of Baby Thorne...starring me!

(Interview advice for Mona) Phyllis: Don't mention the time you used too much toilet paper and flooded the whole office. Dee Dee: Or the time you got your hair caught in the fax machine. Phyllis and Dee Dee: (Simultaneously) Or when you got fired. (Point at each other and laugh) Jinx!

Mona: Don't you miss having friends? Kai: At times. Mona: Well, we could could go out for coffee... Kai: This isn't one of those times.

Adam: If you're fired, I'll never see you again. Mona: Oh! Don't worry. We'll still be friends. Adam: Like I said, if you're fired, I'll never see you again.

Adam: Mona, firing squad's reloaded. I mean, Ms. Owens will see you now.

Spencer: You threw the whole thing just to get back at me? Chauncey: Kind of like what you're doing to Mona. The difference is, when I did it, I was 12.

Dee Dee: It's perfect. Tyler--doesn't rhyme with any body parts. Isaac--like Isaac Hayes. And Thorne--well, Horny Thorney, but there's nothing I can do about that.