Hannah Montana

(The Stewarts are wrestling over bread when Mamaw comes in) Mamaw: Fightin' over a loaf of bread? Robbie Ray Stewart, don't you feed these children? It's a good thing I got a purse full of hard candies!

(The Queen walks with her granddaughter down the aisle slowly) Robbie: Sweet mercy! That woman makes a snail look like a cheetah!

Robbie: What my mom's tryin' to say is, we got another commitment, so- Simon: Oh, don't worry, I'll just tell the Queen that you stood her up for a monster truck jamboree. Robbie: You think if there was a monster truck jamboree anywhere within spittin' distance of this place we'd be here? Hannah: Daddy! Robbie: I guess we'll wait. Simon: DUH!

Robbie: Your grandma's flyin' in from Tennessee. She's in a cab on her way to the house right now. Miley: Daddy, relax. We only left Jackson home alone for an hour. How much damage could he do? (Miley's eyes widen) Robbie: We gotta move.

Hannah: Mamaw means well but sometimes she could be a... "Royal Pain." (Gwendolyn comes in) Gwendolyn: The queen's granddaughter would like her pony groomed and brought to her room! Simon: Trust me. There's no royal pain like the Royal Pain.

Robbie: It's nice to see the soft side of you again ma. Mamaw: Thanks sweetie. Now you stay away from that dessert table or all of your sides are gonna be soft.

(Robbie is eating a chicken leg) Mamaw: Robbie Ray, put that down! How big do you wanna get? Robbie: Trust me darlin'. Being invisible has its advantages.

Robbie: So, how long did you say you were stayin'? (kisses Mamaw) Mamaw: Don't worry, I'll only be here for the weekend. You can go back to takin' food out of your children's mouths on Monday.

Simon: I'm sorry but the queen has been delayed at the state fair where her granddaughter washed down chili cheese fries with a grape slushie producing a royal and colorful upchuck. Mamaw: Oh for heaven's sake! Just hose her off and get her over here!

Mamaw: I didn't want to do anything to him, I just wanted to give him a little Tennessee talkin'-to. Robbie: The last time you gave someone a Tennessee talkin'-to, the air marshal had to land the plane. Mamaw: Ask for an extra bag of peanuts and all of a sudden you are a threat to national security!

Mamaw: Yo Hamlet! Get your queenie on the horn A-SAP! (Mamaw comes after Simon and Robbie chase after her) Robbie: Ma! Come back here, ma! Ma, you cannot give a grown man a wedgie!

Miley: So you're not mad about today? Jackson: My sister and my dad blew off the Queen of England just to watch me play volley ball. How could I be mad at that?

Miley: Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to mess this up for you. Seems Hannah Montana does that a lot. Jackson: It's okay. Miley: No, it's not. I wouldn't blame you if you hated me. Jackson: I don't hate you Miles. Okay, sure I'd like a little more attention sometimes, but at the end of the day, I like who I am. That's all that really counts.

Hannah: Thank you all. You've been a beautiful audience. Pip Pip, ta-ta, cheerio, goodnight. Queen: Simon, have we just been punk'd?

Miley: She's gonna insult the Queen and ruin my command performance all because of her little Jackson. It's always about you. Jackson: Me? Well, it's never about me. Everything in this family revolves around you. Miley: What are you talking about? Jackson: If it's not the Queen, it's a concert. If it's not a concert, it's a CD signing. I mean face it, no matter how important something is to me, it always comes in second to Hannah Montana. Miley: Come on, Jackson, you know that's not true. Jackson: Yes, it is. Miley: Where are you going? Jackson: To my volleyball match, something that's important to me. Tell the Queen I said hello.

Mamaw: Oh it's on. It's on like mud on a pig.

Lilly: I have an idea. And it's so simple you're gonna love it. Miley: What? Lilly: Dump granny and take me! Miley: No. She's going. She's going if I have to tie her up like a deer and strap her to the hood of my daddy's car!

Mamaw: Come on, I'm gonna set for you. Okay, bend those knees. (Mamaw throws volley ball in the air; Jackson hits it, hitting Oliver with the ball) Mamaw: (to Jackson) Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! (Oliver plays sound effect of a descending musical slide)

(after winning the volleyball game) Jackson: Amazing. Even when I win, it's still about Hannah Montana. Mamaw: No, it is not. This is all about you, sweetie. You won and nobody can take that away from you. Now, give me my trophy. (takes trophy from Jackson, but gives it back) I'm just kidding you!

Jackson: I'm sorry for screwing up. I guess I'm just a little nervous. Mamaw: Well, you're supposed to be, but you are a Stewart and Stewarts do not lose. Now, you want this, don't you? Jackson: I do! Mamaw: Of course you do, so stop you're moping! (Oliver plays sound effect of a baby crying; Mamaw and Jackson glare at him) Oliver: Finger slipped. My bad.

Robbie: (to Jackson & Miley) Now, y'all just sit here and act like you're two perfect little angels who always listen to their father. (Jackson & Miley stare at him) Robbie: Just pretend.

Simon: Now, Miss Montana, prior to your performance on Sunday, for the queen's granddaughter, you will be introduced to her royal majesty. Hannah: I'm gonna meet the queen! Whoo! I'm gonna meet the queen! Whoo! Simon: Not if you do that. Whoo!

Robbie: Hey, Mom, give me back my pork rinds! Mamaw: And if you weren't eating this fried garbage, maybe you could catch me.

Mamaw: Tip? You want a tip? If you are not gonna use deodorant, make sure your back windows are rolled down! Robbie: Well, at least she's in a good mood.

Oliver: (commentating) This is it. Jackson Stewart serving for the goal. This is, without a doubt, the most important serve of young Stewart's life. If he blows this... (Mamaw unplugs Oliver's microphone) Mamaw: Son, you sound a whole lot better when no one can hear you.

Queen: Don't hate the player; hate the game!

Mamaw: (to Jackson) You, kiddo, you are doing great. You just need a little more knee bend. (to Topher) And you, sweetheart, you either get your head into this game, or I'm gonna have a senior moment all over your keister!

Oliver: (commentating) Topher sets for Jackson. Jackson leaps and... right into the net. (plays a fizzle sound effect; Jackson glares at him) What? If I'm gonna announce the tournament, I need to practice, too. Jackson: If you're gonna announce for the tournament, you'll need to be alive. (Oliver plays sound effect of a crowd booing) Oliver: Jackson takes the set from Topher and... (plays sound effect of a bomb dropping, then exploding) Mamaw: Oliver, do you have the sound of a truck running over a microphone? Oliver: Nope. I don't have that one. Mamaw: You will if you push another button!

Robbie: Hey, Mom, it's so good to see you. Mamaw Ruthie: Oh, it's good to see you, too, sweetie pie. Hey, by the way, you got a loose step outside. If we weren't blood, I would sue you.

Robbie: (to Jackson) Egg rolls, pizza, taquitos. I leave you alone for an hour and come back, and this place is turned into the International House of Leftovers.

Robbie: (answering cell phone) Hello. Hey, Mom. Yeah, look, we're right in the middle of rehearsing to meet the queen. Can I... No, no, no. Not Latifah. Hannah: Hey, Simon, when I met that queen, all I had to rehearse was "What's up, girlfriend!" You get it? Simon: Yes, unfortunately, I did.