Help Me Help You

Season 1 Episode 2

The Mattress

Aired Tuesday 9:30 PM Oct 03, 2006 on ABC



  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Pete: Look Bill, if it's any consolation your wife clearly isn't over you. That guy out there is a Bill Hoffman substitute.
      Bill: That's not my wife. That's my daughter.

    • Darlene: What is with the light in here? I look orange. Does my face look orange? Don't answer that.
      Michael: I just want to have sex with you. I don't care what your face looks like.
      Darlene: You always know what to say.

    • Pete: Bill, if you're thinking, you're sinking.
      Bill: Oh I like that.
      Pete: So did the over 10,000 people who bought the T-shirt.

    • Pete: Bill, did you put your book back on top of mine again?
      Bill: Yeah.
      Pete: That is so Bill.

    • Bill: Hye, don't you think having a drink with a patient is a bad idea?
      Pete: Not if they're buying.

    • Michael: (whispers) You feel like taking a risk this week? A naked risk in an expensive hotel.
      Darlene: Look I'm not just a sex toy to be summoned at your whim.
      Michael: 10 o'clock tomorrow.
      Darlene: 7:15.
      Michael: Seven.
      Darlene: Okay.

    • (Bill is flipping through a book)
      Dave: What are you doing?
      Bill: I'm just killing time until you're done being a liar.

    • Lucy: You totally Rock! Food poisoning everyone in the office, I mean, I just fantasize about killing everyone in the office, you actually tried to do it.
      Dave: Lucy, I didn't do.. (interrupted by Lucy)
      Lucy: I don't want to hear it. It will only diminish you, in my eyes.
      Dave: I'm so embarrassed.
      Lucy: Dave, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.
      (Two Co-worker stop and start speaking of Dave in his back)
      Lucy: (abruptly and loud) He's gonna shot you with a rifle!!! Keep Moving!

    • Jerry : (Smiling and looking happy to see Dave) Hey Dave!
      Dave: Hey Jerry! Wait, are you being sarcastic?
      Jerry: (Drop the happy face and look angry) What do you think!

    • Inger: I'm touching a New York city pay phone for the first time in my life. (smell the phone) Smells like the breath of a million New yorkers who can't afford cellphones! This is so amazing!

    • Bill: You're a growing man Dave, you can't let those people drive you away from your job. Get back to work!
      Inger: It's true, you have no designable personality, your job is the only thing that define you.

    • Bill: Michael, you're late. Why?
      Michael: Hum.. Because I hate it here?!

    • Michael: I get it. You do not know sex till you've slept with a woman who is bat poop crazy.

  • Notes

  • Allusions