It's lunchtime at the Bar None, that means bad news for the Young Buckaroos. As one kid sits down with his hamburger meal, another small, goofy looking kid named Shermie the Weasel warns him that he's sitting in Roy Bigleow's spot. To the hamburger kid, that name means nothing.
So Shermie explains in more detail, move if you know what's good for you. Elaborating further, Shermie tells the kid that there are three things you better not do:
Don't stare at Roy Bigleow
Don't touch Roy Bigelow
And don't ever, ever spill anything on Roy Bigelow.
And if you ever see him scratch the back of his neck, you better say your prayers, because he's going to pound you!
Well, the kid is still unimpressed with Shermie's warnings, until a hulking shadow looms behind him. The kid takes one glance at the shaggy haired, pig-eyed behemoth staring down at him, then quickly grabs his plate and moves over. Roy Bigelow has arrived. He grabs the kid's hamburger, then another kid's glass.
Brad comes by, filling glasses from a pitcher, and tells Roy that she can get him a new glass and that he doesn't have to take someone else's. Roy barks that the kid gave it to him. Brad said she saw him take it, but Roy argues that maybe she needs glasses. Brad yells back that he needs manners. Jake, who's also helping with the tables, hurries over and tries to calm Brad down. Roy says he doesn't know what the "babe's" problem is. "Babe" is apparently a hot button word with Brad, and she's furious. Roy snickers as Jake pulls her aside.
Jake chastises her for arguing with the guests. He'll take over here, as he knows how to handle personalities like Roy. He will use "psychology," which is his specialty. Brad tells him to watch out.
Jake asks the kids what they want for dessert, and he starts with the kid to Roy's left. Roy demands two more burgers, but Jake tells him to wait his turn. Roy Bigelow doesn't wait for anything! He demands that Jake take his order first, but he again Jake refuses. Roy slams the table and even the kid wants Roy to get his order. Jake maintains eye contact just a little too long. Roy thinks Jake is staring at him. Jake admits he's looking, but not staring. Jake walks over to him and agrees that staring can be discomforting. In understanding, Jake pats Roy on the back and puts his hand on his shoulder. His blood pressure rising, Roy angrily brushes off Jake's hand.
Brad shows up with Roy's burgers, and it's obvious to her that Jake is rubbing Roy the wrong way. Jake, though, insists on serving Roy, and he reaches for the plate. Brad insists that she's ok, and she pulls the plate towards her. It's just a little tug-o-war before the plate of hamburgers goes careening against Roy's neck.
In a rage, Roy flies up from his seat, splattered in barbecue sauce and mustard. He's scratching the back of his neck and stomping towards Jake. Whatever the age limit is for a Young Buckaroo, this guy is as big as Jake but twice as tough. He jabs his finger at Jake and tells him he's dead.
But suddenly Shermie tells Roy that the owner is coming. Mr. E strolls by, telling everyone to enjoy the barbecue. Roy pastes on a plastic smile and nods. But as soon as the owner leaves his sight, he's back to Jake. 3 o'clock at the corral. This will be settled with fists!
Shortly after lunch, the whole gang is in the lodge, and Jake's fight is the center of conversation. Jake is slumped in the couch, overwrought with worry. Ted and Kyle argue over who's better at teaching Jake the art of mortal combat, but Melody intervenes. She tells them all that this Roy is a regular person with emotions just like their own. All he needs is someone sensitive to talk to him, to listen to him, to ease his pain. Just so happens, Melody is that kind of person. She'll talk to Roy.
She finds Roy sitting against the water trough, picking his fingernails with a jackknife. Melody introduces herself, saying she's one of Jake's co-workers. Of course, replies Roy, citing her dorky badge. Anyway, she tells him she's heard about the fight, but knows that Roy is a better person than that. Roy starts to buy into it, telling her that she's nice. Well, she smiles and demurely agrees. Suddenly, Roy frowns. "Nice people are an insult to my intelligence!" He stands up and confronts her, barking in her face how she's insulted him. To show his appreciation, he shoves Melody backward into the trough and walks away.
"Kill him!" Melody screams at Jake, back at the lodge. She's soaking wet and her she's got horse spit in her hair. She recommends machine guns and concussion grenades. But Jake needs realistic solutions. He despairs over his situation, while Melody is still in a rage, screaming about Roy the subhuman. Melody says Roy should be staying at the Vlecks. With that, Jake brightens up. Melody may have solved his problem. Jake will hire the Vlecks to fight Roy! He makes a dash for the phone, and Melody is ecstatic, knowing that Vlecks will beat Roy to a pulp.
Minutes later, the Vleck boys are pulling up in their beat up pickup. Jake greets them at the corral like conquering heroes. He excitedly tells them that he just needs Lonnie to beat up a guy. Lonnie enthusiastically agrees, but his not-as-dull brother pulls his Lonnie aside. They want to know what's in it for them.
Seeing as how the staff collection only yielded four bucks and free drum lessons, things are again looking bleak for Jake. He asks the Vlecks what they want, and they instantly turn their heads towards Brad and Mel.
"No! No way!" Brad and Mel yell in unison. But Jake is desperate. He's already told Shermie to bring Roy to the corral. He sobs against a tree and begs them, and the girls break away to talk it over. They come back with a laundry list of conditions, like no hand holding and no telling, but they agree to date the Vlecks for Jake's sake.
Roy shows up, and Jake smugly tells him that Lonnie wants to fight him. But Shermie intercedes. He tells them that not anyone can fight Roy Bigelow. First you must take the Test of Strength. Jake is wondering why he never had to do this. Roy tells Lonnie to hold out his fist in sort of an uppercut position, then Roy puts his had atop Lonnie's fist and tells him to move his hand. The other kids furiously try to warn Lonnie, but the lunk grunts and puts all his strength into it. Then Roy lets go. Lonnie's fist pops loose and hits him square on the forehead. He's out. Roy leans towards Jake. 3 o'clock, he reminds him.
Back at the boys' bunk, Jake is distraught. So scared that he's actually hiding underneath the lower bunk. Straight talk, sweet talk, and even his hired thugs have all failed him. Melody hands him a protein bar. He spits it out after a taste, but Melody says there's nothing else they can do, outside of telling Mr. Ernst. Jake will have absolutely none of that. No matter what happens, no one is to talk to Uncle Ben about this!
"Please, Uncle Ben, he's going to kill me!" Jake is on his knees, prostrated over Mr. Ernst's desk, pleading for help. Mr. Ernst is a little bemused, but he tells Jake not to worry. He should learn to always come to Uncle Ben if he has a problem. Mr. Ernst will go right now and talk to Roy Bigelow's parents and get everything settled at the adult level. He leaves a grateful and relieved Jake.
"Kill him!" Mr. Ernst yells as he staggers back into his office, his hair mussed and his clothes covered with dirt. Turns out Roy's dad had a problem with Mr. Ernst's meddling, knocked him to the ground, and threatened to pummel him! Jake suggests talking to Roy's mom, but Mr. E shakes his head. She was the one holding him down to the ground.
Jake has seen his last chance go up in dust. It's almost 3 o'clock! He asks his Uncle Ben if he should hide, but Mr. E firmly tells him no. It's a matter of the Ernst family honor. After all, Ernst family motto is "We Like Math". And the other one is "An Ernst Never Backs Down". He roots into an athletic bag and pulls out some over boxing gloves. Mr. E tells Jake how he used to be soft, until he took up boxing. He demonstrates his prowess as pugilist as he shadow boxes, telling Jake to bob and weave, never let 'em touch you.
As Jake leaves the lodge to meet his maker, he shakes hands with the other staffers. He wills Danny his drums, and to Ted goes his book collection. Ted would rather have the drums, but he says never mind -- because he pulls out a bus ticket to Phoenix. It's for Jake. Danny's aunt lives there and he can stay as long as he has to. Brad has packed his bag, Melody has packed a lunch, and Buddy has provided him with a disguise (nose and glasses).
Jake's not quite sure how to react. He feels somewhat grateful for this effort. Yet he is also ashamed of his cowardly behavior. He feels funny as he turns his back on his friends and heads off...
At the corral, Roy and Shermie are waiting for Jake to arrive. A bunch of Young Buckaroos have also arrived to witness the match. Melody starts riding Shermie, but he confides to her that he's not really Roy's friend. He used to get beat up all the time, but not since he starting hanging with Roy. Is it worth being Roy's slave? To Shermie, yes. It's better than getting beat up.
Roy is ready to rumble, but it's 3:01 and no Jake. But, wait, Jake has arrived. He confronts Roy and tells him he's tired of running. Roy is impressed that Jake has even shown up, and to show his appreciation, he juts his chin out and offers Jake a free punch just for showing up. But Jake tells Roy that he's not going to fight. For all of Roy's previous cleverness, he is not prepared for this response. He takes an offensive pose and challenges Jake to defend himself, but again Jake sternly refuses to fight and stands his ground. Roy feels the eyes of all the others on him, and he's at a loss. Angrily, he tells Jake that the fight is postponed until further notice. He begins to stomp off, telling Jake to move out of his way. But Jake stands his ground like a statue. "No," he says, staring Roy right in the eye.
In a moment of truth, Roy leans into Jake...and then backs down. He sidles around Jake to exit the corral. Shermie's watching, with a smirk on his face. Roy barks, "What are you staring at?" "Nothing, Roy, absolutely nothing."
Jake is still standing like a statue, eyes straight ahead. He asks if Roy is gone, and when his friends answer yes, Jake faints backwards into their arms.