Shirley: I'm out of here, faggots.
Shirley: All right, ok. Who, has just let one go? That's the message I'm getting. It might sound funny, all right? Laugh it up. All right? Get it out. Because the end of the day, it's not. Someone just let one go, that's what they're saying. It's got a deeper meaning than it appears on the surface, all right? This person doesn't want to own up. But the people either side could probably let me know. And then I can give the message to the person, would you understand? I know some of you are reluctant to claim it, all right? That's 'cuz the phrase, 'whoever smelt it, dealt it' right? Just pop your hand up. Ok. How about if I rephrase it, all right? Who's just let fluffy off the lead? Come on somebody? I've got my suspicions, all right? But I don't want to point them out. Is it you?
Shirley: Are you sure? I don't want, I just wondered. Ok. All right, all right, No it's, it's fine. I know, you can talk to me afterwards. We will be having a break in a minute so you can use the toilet. Ok. All right, ok, come on. Come on sweetheart. Come on Sheba.
Shirley: I feel ya' pain, I feel ya' shame, but ya' not to blame. Sometimes wet clothes do need an extra spin. You only sit on top of it to stop it vibrating around the room. God bless, ok.
Shirley: Did you know, in every ball there is a spirit? What's he saying?
Footballer: He's saying, 'I can't talk, I'm a ball'.
Shirley: All right, ok I understand. All right.
Shirley: Now, your manager deals with team spirit, ok? Shirley deals with team spirits. Do you understand?
Shirley: Right. Who feels like they're better than everyone else here? That is a feeling I am getting. Someone feels better than everybody else. Who is it? I've got this impression of someone standing there, looking at everybody else in the room and thinking, 'I am better than all of you put together'. Do you understand? Ok, let's part that. Come on. Come on Sheba darling.
Before tonight's show airs the BBC makes an apology to Harrow Borough F.C. A trophy was stolen from their grounds when Marc filmed there as Shirley. The trophy is in Shirley's hand at the start of the show, claiming it is an award he has won.
Shirley: You wanna' take a pop at someone? Make it Derek Acorah. That pr**k makes two bit s**t from people who buy their satellite dishes with a loan from Ocean Finance.
Derek Acorah is a psychic medium and one of the people that Marc Wootton is lampooning with this show.
Shirley: That's 'cuz the phrase, 'whoever smelt it, dealt it' right?
This is a phrase, often said by children, referring to toilet humour.