Home Improvement Season 2 Episode 11

Jill (to Tim): What did you do to my washing machine? Why is it on life support?

Al: Please do not mock my potato.
Tim (singing): You say potato, I say stupid.

(Tim drinks coffee from a moo cow creamer because he's too lazy to wash a cup)
Jill: You are sucking coffee out of a cow!
Tim: That way I don't have to add milk.

Al: I'm going to show our viewers something you don't ordinarily do with a potato.
Tim: You might want to keep the kids away from the TV set.

Jill: Tim, look around you. You've practically wrecked the house.
Tim: I'll have you know I wrecked this house long before you ever got a job.

Jill: I'll be able to relax if I know you're back here doing everything the right way.
Tim: You mean your way?
Jill: That's what I said, the right way.

Tim: I've done everything on your stupid little list there!
Jill: You screwed up everything on my stupid little list there!
Tim: I didn't screw up everything.
Jill: Name one thing you didn't screw up.
Tim (after a long pause): Uh, the laundry.
Randy (from the garage): Dad, the dryer's going crazy!

Tim: This is a man's show, we give advice on man stuff. How to pull a nail out of your foot, what to do with a severed finger . . .

Jill: You'll have to fix the boys' lunches, could you put in some carrots or celery or something?
Tim: Honey, they won't eat those. They just turn into vegetable missiles in a food fight.

Tim: (to Al about the segment Maureen Binford proposed called "the bachelor's corner" with Al) We should call your segment the alone and desperate corner.