Home Improvement Season 5 Episode 19

Tim: (brings a cameraman and reporter into the house) Let's take a look around. Here's my wife.
Kelly Barnes: Ah. Here's his lovely wife, Jill.
Jill: God, Tim! You didn't tell me they were coming tonight! I look awful!
Tim: Oh, you look great, except for that crusty stuff around your nose.

Kelly: (interviewing the Taylor family at the house) So tell me, Mark, what's it like having the Tool Man for a father?
Mark: Oh, it's fun. You get to ride in a lot of ambulances!
Kelly: And Randy, what's your father's best quality?
Randy: Well, he heals pretty quickly.
Kelly: So Brad, tell me, is Tool Time your favorite show?
Brad: Uh, no, actually, my favorite show would have to be yours, Kelly. My friends and I never miss it. (gives a thumbs up to the camera)
Kelly: Really? I didn't realize I was so popular amongst kids your age.
Brad: You know, uh, I may look like a kid, but um...(deepens his voice) I'm actually 19.
Kelly: And Jill, if you could describe your husband in one word, what would that be?
Jill: Mine.

Jill: He's turning into Tim the Drool Man!

Al (about Kelly and Tim): She was coming onto him, and he was coming unglued faster than . . . than the last thing he glued.

Tim: Stick with me as we plumb the depths of my own personal gestalt.
Al: Tim, the only thing these people want to see you plumb is a toilet.

Mark: (when Jill is sick) Mom, we're hungry!
Randy: How come you're not cooking dinner?
Jill: Look at me. Does it look like I'm capable of preparing a decent meal?
Randy: Well, no one said it had to be decent. Just make what you usually make. (Jill throws her used Kleenex at him)
Brad: (walks in) Look, Mom. You forgot to iron my pants for school tomorrow!
Jill: Well, I am so sorry, Brad. I have been selfishly tending to my fever. Hand them over, and I'll iron them with the heat from my forehead!

Kelly Barnes (about Tool Time): It's a manifesto for men in the 90s.
Tim: Well, not just men in the 90s, but younger men too.