Home Improvement Season 1 Episode 22

Al (about the poker game): What should I wear?
Tim: Well, Al, I can't speak for Fred or Charlie, but I'd like to see you in something simple, yet revealing.

(Jill wants to play poker)
Tim: You can't sit down at this table unless you can bench-press 350 pounds. (Al stands up) Al, sit down!

Charlie (about Robin): I can't believe she threw my keys into the bushes!
Brad: Yeah. That must have been 30 feet!
Jill: She always had a real good arm.

Al (to Charlie): The apology might be more effective if you really meant it.
Tim: Guess which one of us at this table's not married?

Tim: Why do you think man invented the wheel? So he could leave home now and then!

(Discussing compromise in marriage)
Jill: It's 70-30. Unless you count childbirth, then it's 97-3.

Robin: How can you think about poker when my marriage is falling apart?
Tim: Well, I figure if it's falling apart, I'd better win something from Charlie before the alimony kicks in.

Mark: (Looking at Tim's cards) Three kings. Is that good?
(Everyone folds)