Home Improvement Season 3 Episode 1

Randy: We just heard some awful news, and we wanted to tell you first before you heard it from a stranger.
Mark: What?
Randy: Well, Dad said that when Mom had you, she really wanted a girl.
Mark: You're lying!
Brad: He just showed us the pink blanket she made for you.
Mark: He did not.
Randy: Hey, you know, Mom's always saying she wants to bake with you.
Brad: Yeah, and how she's always taking you shopping.
Randy: She's pretending you're her daughter!

Tim: What's all that?
Jill: Oh, it's some of the boys' old baby things. I'm gonna send it to Carol. I'm hoping there will be something that'll work for a girl. Oh, look at the little booties! They're so teeny! (sniffs them) They're Brad's. (Tim looks disgusted) Oh, and the little hat, and the bib!
Tim: (in sarcastic baby talk) Are you gonna send the wittle bib to the wittle baby?
Jill: No, I'm keeping this around for you...

Tim: I think I know why you want a daughter. You want to be immortal, like me.
Jill: You're immortal?
Tim: Long after I'm gone, the boys will still be burping.

Tim: I see what's going on here. Your sister's having a little girl, and now you want a little girl?
Jill: So?
Tim: So? If your sister gives birth to an elephant, does that mean you do, too?
Jill: Oh, yeah, that's just what I want--to pass a pair of tusks!

Jill: Mark, we're gonna bake a cake when I get home from work.
Mark: I'm not helping you.
Jill: How come? You love to make cakes.
Mark: I'm never baking again! (runs off)
Jill: What's with him?
Randy: I don't know, but I'm sure gonna miss his brownies...

Jill: (about how she doesn't want another child at the moment) Besides, what would happen if we had another boy? The last thing we need around here is more testosterone; it's practically dripping down the walls as it is!

Jill: You know, when I was a kid, I couldn't wait to get to school. Hand in my homework, see my teachers, take all those tests that I always got A's on...
Brad: Yeah, but I bet you got beat up a lot.
Jill: Every day.

Jill: (when Mark thinks she wanted him to be a girl) Do you remember how you wanted a dog, but we didn't think you were old enough to take care of one, and so we got you a turtle? And even though you wanted a dog, you really loved that turtle, didn't you?
Mark: Yeah, until he got squished by the truck.
Jill: I'm sure he didn't feel a thing. Anyway, the point is, you wouldn't have traded that turtle for the world, and I would not trade you for the world.
Mark: You wouldn't?
Jill: No way. I've had a dozen offers, at least, just today!

Jill: (when Tim agrees to consider having another baby) Thank you, sweetie, but you know what? I really don't want to have a baby right now.
Tim: I didn't mean this minute.
Jill: No, I've been thinking about it, and the truth is, I don't really have the time in my life for it right now, you know? I've got the job, three kids...well, four, including you.

Jill: (holding a pink quilt) I knitted this when I was pregnant with Mark. Remember how I was hoping for a girl? I wanted a sweet little thing that I could cuddle on my lap with great big bows in her hair.
Tim: Ah. You wanted to give birth to a poodle.
Jill: It could happen. Look at the father.

Jill: (on the phone with her sister, who just had a baby girl) You know what name I've always loved? Laura. It's simple, it's unpretentious ... Sloan? Well, that's nice, too ...

Brad: (when Tim is holding a box of baby stuff) Dad, aren't you a little old to have a security blanket?
Randy: He got it when he stopped sucking his thumb.
Tim: Maybe you'll recognize some of the other stuff in here. Hey, look, it's Brad's training pants! You used them last week, didn't you? And what's this? (picks up a rattle and shakes it) Randy's brain.

Mark: Then you really didn't want me to be a girl?
Jill: Well...well, maybe a part of me did.
Mark: (sadly) Oh.
Jill: But that doesn't mean I wasn't thrilled to have you. The moment I laid eyes on you, I just fell in love. All that matted hair, the little squished-in face, that wrinkled little body. You looked just like your father.

Jill: Sweetie, why don't you just tell me what's wrong?
Mark: Nothing's wrong! And don't call me sweetie.
Jill: But I always call you sweetie.
Mark: That's because you wanted me to be a girl.
Jill: Who told you that?
Mark: Brad and Randy.
Jill: Well, they're grounded for a week.

Tim: (when Jill wants another child) Remember the 2:00 AM feedings? The 3:00 AM feedings? I don't have the energy for that anymore.
Jill: You don't have the energy to say "Wake up, Jill, the baby wants you"?
Tim: At this point in my life, I don't even have the energy to say, "Wake up, Jill, I want you".

Tim: (about not wanting to have another baby) We've talked about this. I mentioned it on Tool Time.
Jill: Great, so eleven people know about it?

Wilson: I think what Jill is after is a legacy.
Tim: A Japanese car!

Jill: Brad, you have a dentist appointment today, and don't try to get detention to get out of it again.
Randy: Like he has to try.

Jill: Boys, you don't want to be late for school.
Mark: Yes we do.
Randy: Hey, if we're going to be late, we might as well not go at all.

Tim: Our old tool girl's moved on to bigger and better things.
Al: Did she accept that offer from Bob Vila?

Jill: Do you remember your fifth birthday?
Mark: Yeah. Brad and Randy made me eat the candles on my cake.

Al: I thought you said you wouldn't talk about your personal life on the show.
Tim: Well, does this mean anything to you? (Shows him crossed fingers)
Al: How would you feel if I talked about my personal life on the show?
Tim: When you get one, you can!

Mark: Would you trade Brad and Randy?
Jill: (snaps her fingers) Like that.

Tim: Having a baby is a big deal. It's up there with putting in a new sprinkler system.

Jill: The baby moved today.
Tim: To where, that all-baby condo downtown?

Jill: (about her sister) Did she say anything about the ultrasound? What's she having?
Tim: A baby.
Jill: I know she's having a baby. What kind of a baby?
Tim: I don't know, but I hope it doesn't look a lot like her.

Jill: It's angel food cake. Made with real angels. Fortunately they're in season.

Jill: Carol's always wanted a girl. They stayed up all night painting the nursery pink.
Tim: Flat or semi-gloss?
Jill: Gee, somehow that never came up.

Al: You're on fire!
Tim: Indeed I am, Al. I've done this to teach you kids a lesson. Don't play with sticks, because you could put your eye out, or . . . ignite your forearm.

Tim: I'm making Tim Taylor More Power Coffee. (Drinks coffee) Hey, race you to Ann Arbor.