Home Improvement Season 3 Episode 18

(Tim and Jill are watching a video that Jimmy Carter sent them)
Jimmy Carter: Hi Tim, Al, and Jill. I'd like to thank you for your participation in our Habitat for Humanity housing blitz.
Tim: You're welcome.
Jimmy Carter: Al and Jill, the house you built is a perfect example of what can happen when caring people band together for a common good. And Tim... well, what can I say? Crews are working round the clock to repair the house you've built. Oh yeah, Rosalynn would like a picture of Al.
Tim: Let's tape over this.

Marie: Oh Tim! Oh, you've found my locket!
Tim: No, this is Ashley's. I'm just fixing the thing for her.
Ashley: Yeah, that's my locket. Brad gave it to me.
Tim: Yeah.
Marie: Oh, no, no, honey. My grandmother gave me this locket.
Tim: Oh. (Brad looks uneasy) Oh, looks like somebody here didn't tell the truth! (looks down on Brad)
Ashley: Brad!
Marie: Brad!
Jill: Tim!
Tim: (shakes his head) Don't look at me. I told him to tell the truth! (Tim looks at Brad)
Brad: Well, I guess I'm gonna have to pay, huh, Dad?
Tim: (laughs) Oh God, are you gonna pay!

Tim: Tell the truth. Anything else is a waste of time. Women will see right through you, and they'll make you pay.
Brad: How do you know that, Dad?
Tim: Because I've paid. Oh, God have I paid.

Tim (on the phone): Listen, Elway, I saw you goofing around out there today, and I'm not gonna take it anymore! Yes, I would say this to your face! I might not be yelling this loud . . . No, you can't be traded to Al's team!

Jill (to Tim): By the time you get the siding up, we'll be done and the owner will be getting junk mail.

Brad: What if you found something in an alley, and gave it to your girlfriend . . .?
Tim: Sssh! Your mom doesn't know about my girlfriend.

Mark: You're losing to girls?
Tim: I wouldn't consider Miss America a girl. She's practically a professional. I heard in her talent competition, she put up drywall.

Tim: Evander, give me the donut.
Evander Holyfield: I don't think so, Tim.

Tim (about Al's team): This team can build a house, my team can bench-press a house.
Jill: Yeah, that'll make it easier to dust under.

Tim: I read somewhere that husbands and wives shouldn't work together.
Jill: Where did you read that?
Tim: Husbands and Wives Shouldn't Work Together Illustrated. We get it down at work.
Jill: I wonder what they'd say about this in the magazine I get. Married to an Idiot Monthly.