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Video Clerk: I would love it if you kids could change the rules. And I hope you do someday. But speaking as a 22-year-old, it's not that simple.

Coach McGuirk: (after having coffee spilled on him) That's fine. It's all going to the same place, whether I put it in the mouth or through skin.

Busker: (singing about McGuirk) I'm going to break it down for you. You gotta lose some weight. You gotta lose some weight. Coach McGuirk: THIS IS WHY MUSIC IS EVIL.

Brendon: So what did you think? McGuirk: Well, they all sucked but I'm not a movie fan, per se. But the beer is good. Give me another one. Brendon: Which one sucked the least? McGuirk: Which movie had the fake shark? Brendon: It was uhh-- Jason: -- Jury Duty! Jury duty! McGuirk: That one was awful. Brendon: Ok. McGuirk: But it had sharks. I like sharks. I liked Jaws. Brendon: Ok. McGuirk: You guys got Jaws on DVD? Melissa: But if you had to pick one? McGuirk: If I had to pick? I'd pick none. Brendon: Ok. McGuirk: I got to go. Thanks for the beer.

Melissa: Jason, you have really fat fingers. Jason: Melissa, I heard you the first time. Melissa: Sorry, I just can't get over it. Jason: Well, you try losing weight in just your fingers. It's not easy.

McGuirk: Anyway, I was thinking maybe since we've known each other for over a week… Waitress: Yeah… McGuirk: You know, I was thinking that we could maybe go, ummm, on a date. Waitress: Oh… McGuirk: Like we could go to the waterslide or something. Do you like those?

McGuirk: I want my money back. Waitress: What? McGuirk: My tip money. Those tips I gave you. Waitress: You're kidding, right? McGuirk: No! I gave you a lot more tips than I would have given someone I didn't want to have sex with.