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Brendon: (talking about his finger) That isn't loaded, it is? Pendlehurst: What did you say? Brendon: Ahem. Your finger...it's really, really close to my face. I'm having intimacy issues with it. Pendlehurst: Stand up...right...now.

McGuirk: You poured sugar in Pendlehurst's gas tank? Brendon: No. Some other kids did, but we ended up getting caught. McGuirk: So what's the punishment? Brendon: He's making us do this Scared Straight thing at the prison he used to work at. McGuirk: Scared Straight? You're already straight. Brendon: I'm already scared.

McGuirk: I've been to the can a few times, Brendon. That's what we call it, the can. So when you're there, you call it the can, all right? Brendon: What do you call cans in prison? McGuirk: You mean, actual cans Brendon: Yeah. McGuirk: Like food? Cans of food? Brendon: Yeah. McGuirk: Those are still cans.

Brendon: All right. How do you do? McGuirk: (crazy) No! No, man! No, Man! No! I don't think so! I don't think so! All Right?! Brendon: All right. McGuirk: (crazy) Is it? Brendon: Yeah. McGuirk: (crazy) Is it? (normal) See what I mean? Brendon: That was good. McGuirk: Freaks you out. Brendon: Feel my heart. It's pounding.

McGuirk: And here's another thing: make a shiv. Brendon: Yeah? How do you do that. McGuirk: I don't know. You find stuff, you make it. You can stab someone with anything. Brendon: Yeah. McGuirk: You wear glasses? Brendon: No. McGuirk: You wear contacts? Brendon: No. McGuirk: You can make a knife out of contacts. Brendon: Really? McGuirk: That's where I learned. Brendon: Wow. McGuirk: I killed a man with contacts. Brendon: In the can? McGuirk: Yeah. Brendon: Wow.

McGuirk: And the other thing is that you can make a knife out of tags from T-shirts. Brendon: Like, the clothes tags? McGuirk: Yeah. Because they're a little harder than the material. Brendon: And that's enough to... McGuirk: To penetrate skin. Brendon: Wow. McGuirk: You just got to find the right spot.

(Starboy: The Phantom Girlfriend Menace) Brendon: (as Starboy) You're not my friend. Jason: (as Captain of Outer Space) Listen to me, Starboy. I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't care about you. Brendon: Oh, you're stupid, Captain of Outer Space. Jason: But what I say is true, Starboy. The woman you love is a ghost who's trying to kill you. Brendon: You lie! You jealous liar! Melissa: (as Ghost Lady): Whoo-ooh! Whoo-ooh! Jason: What's that noise? Melissa: You blew my cover, Captain of Outer Space. Jason: I told you, Starboy. Brendon: I'm sorry Captain of Outer Space. From now on, I'll believe you. Jason: Little late for that. Brendon: Hey, Ghost Lady, I breaking it off with you. I didn't realize at first that you were a ghost who was trying to kill me. Had I know that up front, I probably wouldn't have dated you. Or maybe I would have. I don't know. But that's definitely something you should have told me up front. Melissa: Nobody breaks up with Ghost Lady. It's time to pay the price. Whoo-ooh!

Jason: (talking about the movie they made) Brendon, this is the one that you ripped off The Verdict. Brendon: I didn't rip off The Verdict. We ripped off The Verdict.

(The Verdict rip-off) Brendon: (as a lawyer) Isn't it true that you are lying?! Melissa: (as a nurse) No! Brendon: Isn't it true that you are lying?! Melissa: No! I'm telling the truth! I do work at that hospital, and those are my initials, but the time was altered. Brendon: How on Earth do you explain that the time was altered?! Melissa: I can't! I can't explain! Brendon: Then who on Earth altered the time?! Melissa: (pointing to the defendant's lawyer) That man! Jason: (as the defendant's lawyer) Oh. Brendon: Are you sure it's that man? Melissa: I'm almost positive. Brendon: Are you sure it wasn't that man over there...the defendant's client? Melissa: Uh, yes. I meant to point more to the right. (points to the bailiff who is also Jason) That man! Brendon: The bailiff? Melissa: No. To the left. Jason: (as the judge) Order in the court. Order in the court. You, it's time to pay the price.

Prison Guard #1: Pendlehurst? Is that you? (Prison Guard #1 & #2 laughing) Prison Guard #1: Oh, my gosh, it is. Look. Pendlehurst is back. Prison Guard #2: (to Pendlehurst) I thought you weren't coming back. (Prison Guard #1 & #2 laughing) Prisoner Guard #2: Hey, Pendlehurst is back. (Prison Guard #1 & #2 laughing) Prisoner Guard #1: Hey, Pendlehurst! Prisoner Guard #2: Hey, hey, who am I? Pendlehurst. Prisoner Guard #1: Hey, Pendlehurst!

Prisoner: Boo! Booooo! Jason: Uh, I think this guy is actually trying to scare us straight.

Prisoner: I came from a broken home! Jason: Here we go. Prisoner: Then I got put in jail for robbing a bank! But before that...Ok. Wait. Oh, no. I was in a bank. Ok. Let me start over. I was in a gang, and then I got put in prison, and then I robbed a bank! No. Wait a second. I robbed the bank first. Ok. Bear with me, people. I'm going to look at some notes. (looks at his notes) Ok. I got it. I worked at a bank, then I robbed it, then I came to prison. Brendon: Gong.

McGuirk: We all live in our own prisons, Brendon. Brendon: Yeah. McGuirk: I mean, we're all trapped in these bodies. Brendon: Yeah. McGuirk: You have to go to school. That's a prison. Brendon: That is a prison. McGuirk: I have to be a soccer coach. Brendon: That's a prison. Brendon: This conversation... McGuirk: It's a prison. Brendon: It's a prison. Can't get out of it.

(music video) Jason: The T to the P to the P (Brendon joins in beat boxing) Jason & Melissa: P to the A to the Y Jason: It's time to pay the price today.

(prison film) Jason: Well, we've done a lot of bad things, right, guys? Melissa: Yes, we have. Yes, we have. Brendon: And now we're here in jail. Melissa: Yes, we are. We're here being punished. Jason: And we hate it. But what can we do? We did wrong. Brendon: We can't do anything. Justice has been done. It's time to... (mumbling) pop it pop... Melissa: Yeah. Jason: You speak the truth, my brother. It is time to... Melissa: Time for that. Jason: Yes, time to... Brendon & Melissa: Pay the... (all mumbling) Jason: What time is it, actually? Brendon: It's 2:30. Jason: Yeah, I got to go home. Brendon: Okay, fade to black. The End. Well, we tried.

(Environmental movie) Melissa: (as a lumberjack) I'm going to chop you down, tree. Brendon: (as a tree) Well, okay, but, um, don't, um, because what about the environment? Jason: (as a skunk, moves from behind Brendon) Hello, I'm a skunk. Brendon: Hello. Melissa: Hello. Jason: Hey, um, I mean, don't chop down the forest. Melissa: Okay, I won't chop down the forest, just this tree. Brendon: But I'm a tree, and I'm a house for birds and chipmunks and cats and dogs. And I can be useful for people, too. I can be made into wood... Jason: Oh, man. Chop it down. Melissa: I'm with you skunk. Brendon: Hey, you guys suck. Jason: Lumberjack. Melissa: Yep? Jason: Pass me that ax. (chops Brendon down with the ax and falls down) Brendon: (bleeding maple syrup) AAAAH! It hurts! Melissa: You can't shut this one up. Jason: Hope you learned your lesson, tree. Jason & Melissa: It's time to pay the price.

(The Box-Bots) Jason: Tell my girlfriend that I will miss her. Brendon: I can't. We're all being caught. Jason: Well, tell me that you'll miss me, then. Brendon: I going to miss you. Melissa: Here they come. Brendon, Jason, & Melissa: It's time to pay the price.

Jason: Um, wait, so these are videotapes of the movies we made? Brendon: Yeah. They're the videos of them. They're the movies, Jason. Jason: We were taping those movies? Brendon: Yeah. Jason: Well...let's burn them.

Melissa: So, what do we do about the movie? We can't use the location because it's trespassing, and we can't film during the day because we can't close off the set. Jason: Well, we could rebuild the set in the basement. Melissa: I don't know. I don't think it's in the budget. Jason: What's the budget? Melissa: Well, we had a dollar, but then we bought the binder. Jason: Well, why did we buy the binder? Melissa: To keep the budget inside. Jason: That's idiotic. You just spend all the money for the movie on the binder for the budget of the movie. Melissa: Yeah, don't tell Brendon.

Paula: Hey, you mind setting the table? Dinner's going to be ready soon. Brendon: Can I do it after dinner? Paula: Sure.

Jason: What's detention? Brendon: It when they make you sit in a room and...that's about it. Jason: So it's like therapy. Brendon: Kind of.

Mr. Pendlehurst: (to Brendon) Wipe. (Brendon giggles) Mr. Pendlehurst: that (Brendon giggles) Mr. Pendlehurst: smile (Brendon giggles) Mr. Pendlehurst: off (Brendon giggles) Mr. Pendlehurst: your (Brendon giggles) Mr. Pendlehurst: (Yelling at Brendon) FACE!.....now.

Mr. Pendlehurst: (to Brendon) Oh Mister, you are in big trouble.

Brendon, Jason and Melissa: Better conditions for prisoners now! Better conditions for prisoners now!

Scared Straight Convicts: I came from a broken home! Nobody cared what I did! Brendan: (whispering to Melissa) Heard it. Convict: Then I went to jail and robbed a bank! No wait, first I robbed the bank then I went to jail, and then I joined a gang! No, hang on. (looks at his notes) Melissa: (whispering to Brendan) Get off the stage.

Mellissa: This place really doesn't look so bad. Brendan: Is that a wet bar?

McGuirk: He took you to a minimum security prison? That's not scary, those places are nice! Brendan: I know, they had a tennis court and a pool.. McGuirk: Those places are nicer than where I live, minimum security prison is nicer than where i live, that's the sadest thing i've ever heard.