Max Perlich |
J.H. Brodie (season 5, TVM, recurring previously) |
Andre Braugher |
Det. Frank Pembleton (seasons 1-6, TVM) |
Kyle Secor |
Tim Bayliss |
Richard Belzer |
Det. John Munch |
Reed Diamond |
Det. Mike Kellerman (seasons 4-6) |
Clark Johnson |
Det. Meldrick Lewis |
Charles S. Dutton |
Elijah Sanborn |
Guest Star |
David Eigenberg |
Alex Robey |
Guest Star |
Dean Winters |
Tom Marans |
Guest Star |
Helen Carey |
Maggie Conroy |
Recurring Role |
Sharon Ziman |
Naomi |
Recurring Role |
Elijah Sanborn: (Standing up yelling) Well I wanna going back to my cell!! And I want everybody in here know here, that I didn't see nothin, I didn't hear nothin, and I aein't speakin nothing!! I'm going back to my cell!!
Meldrick Lewis: (interrupts) No you ain't. You ain't goin nowhere until a person with a badge TAKES you there. You've given up your rights, Elijah, when you shot and killed Gold-Eye Marquis.
Tim Baylis: (again interferring) Sit down.... Sir.... Please.
Kellerman: I'm done with this douche.
Trevor Douglas: Douche?? You should've been in that cafeteria hours ago because I would of kicked your white pansey ass...
Kellerman: Well, my white pansey ass is going home tonight in an air conditioned apartment, a woman and an six pack of beerwhile you go back to your 98 degree hot cell and humid as hell week lockdown. And if you add it all up, you are the douche. Detective, how do you think?
Bayliss: Hmm... you're Maxi douche.
Kellerman: You okay?
Bayliss: You get along with your father right?
Kellerman: Yeah, my dad's great, in his way.
Bayliss: My father and I we never talked. When we did we argued. When he passed on I didn't even cry. That kind of bothers me I guess. You know he wanted me to have his ashes just spread out at sea. So, I stood in the boat, dumped what was left of him into the bay. Goodbye pop. And I'm left with this empty jar and these unresolved feelings and I don't even have a gravestone to yell at.
Kellerman: What brought this on?
Bayliss: I don't know. Frank, his baby. Samborn, Elijah Samborn behind bars is a better father than mine ever was.
Kellerman: You know I'm sure this is the point when Pembleton would probably say something incredibly wise and profound to you.
Bayliss: Ha ha.
Kellerman: Well I'm not profound so I'm not gonna try, but I just want you to know that I'm here for you. And if you want a hug I'd be happy to give you one.
Bayliss: A hug?
Kellerman: Yeah.
Bayliss: Do you and Lewis hug?
Kellerman: Yeah.
Bayliss: A lot?
Kellerman: No, not a lot.
Bayliss: But enough?
Kellerman: What do you mean?
Bayliss: Well do you want Lewis to hug you more?
Kellerman: Forget I brought…
Bayliss: No, no you brought up the hugging thing.
Kellerman: Forget it, forget it.
Bayliss: You ever been in jail Meldrick?
Lewis: Nah, not as a prisoner, nah.
Bayliss: I have.
Lewis: Bayliss, why is it that the more I learn about you the less I want to know, huh? So fess up, what were you in the pokie for. Drunk driving, date rape, pedophilia?
Bayliss: No.
Lewis: So what?
Bayliss: I er, protesting human rights abuses in El Salvador.
Lewis: Of course.
Bayliss: I was like 18.
Lewis: So how much time'd you get for protesting human rights violations in El Salvador?
Bayliss: Well I was in the holding cell for two nights.
Lewis: Two night! That don't exactly count as hard time.
Bayliss: They were very, very long nights.
Lewis: So why didn't you post bail?
Bayliss: My dad refused to come and get me.
Lewis: Ok, that's harsh.
Bayliss: Yeah. Well I mean my dad just had very set ideas about life, you know.
Lewis: Well I hope you stiffed him on father's day.
Bayliss: Every chance I got.
Bayliss: You know you, you had a wife, Jasmine. You had kids, you had a life now you sacrificed all that for a righteous reason but James Douglas is just a cold and calculated murder. Why would you protect his killer?
Elijah: What do you think goes on in here detective? You don't lock up 900 violent men in overcrowded conditions and give 'em a TV or some weights and tell 'em this is what it's all about the rest of your life. Come one detective, Douglas sticks Vetter someone sticks Douglas. That stuff goes on here all the time. I mean you know you can sit in your living room thinking we're being rehabilitated but rehabilitation for what? I'm here forever detective. Forever. So you can, you know, go back to your city with your Camden Yards and your water taxis and I want you and you to leave me the hell alone.
Lewis: Which animal produces the largest sperm?
Munch: That is what I'm asking, would you care to venture any guess?.
Kellerman: Man.
Munch: No.
Bayliss: It's the elephant.
Munch: No, sir.
Kellerman: The sperm whale.
Munch: Not even close.
Lewis: Ok, we give up Munch, which animal's got the biggest sperm?
Munch: The fruit fly.
Kellerman: The fruit fly?
Munch: The fruit fly produces the largest sperm.
Bayliss: And did you read that in National Geographic or National Enquirer?
Munch: The itsy bitsy fruit fly produces sperm more than 20 times the size of it's body.
Kellerman: How is that possible?
Munch: Natures a mother.
Lewis: Ok, so I'm gonna do the math here, get over here. You got a guy, you got a guy Bayliss' height produces a proportionate amount of sperm he'd be like a hundred and 20 feet long.
Bayliss: Just an ordinary night for a guy like me.
Kellerman: Prove it stud boy.
Howard: What's going on?
Lewis: Nothing.
Howard: What, you guys talking about sperm again?
Kellerman: Bayliss says he's got nads the size of a fruit flies.
This was one of the "100 Greatest Television Episodes of All-Time" by TV Guide.
This episode was probably part of the inspiration for the Tom Fontana created series that aired on HBO in the summer of 1997 called Oz.
Music in this episode: Collective Soul "Bleed" alb: Collective Soul; Joan Armatrading "Down to Zero" alb: Joan Armatrading; Joan Armatrading "Sometimes I Don't Wanna Go Home" alb: Square the Circle.
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