Hot in Cleveland Season 1 Episode 1

Joy: (about Melanie) She never checked in. Should we be worried?
Victoria: No, it's Melanie. She never does anything crazy.
(Melanie enters the room wearing Hank's Cleveland Indians shirt)
Melanie: I'm moving to Cleveland!

(several men greet the ladies as they walk past)
Joy: I feel young and hot! Like they're undressing me with their eyes and not finding Spanx! I haven't felt like a piece of meat in so long!
Victoria: Wow. To think we spent all that time and effort and money trying to look ten years younger and ten pounds lighter, and all we had to do was crash-land in Cleveland.
Melanie: Where all the men look like real men and the women look like real women!
Victoria: And everyone's eating, and no one's ashamed.
Joy: I'm going to order chili fries!

(all of the guys are staring at Melanie, Joy, and Victoria)
Melanie: Why's everyone looking at us like that?
Victoria: Now, I get recognized a lot, but this is... different.
Joy: I remember that look. It's... (voice trembling) desire.
Melanie: They're looking at us! In L.A., they look past us!

(After Melanie spends a night with Hank)
Melanie: He said I was delicious!
Joy: It's the chicken grease (licks her arm, girls look grossed out)

Melanie: (depressed) Well great my husband is engaged and we're in a Dive Bar in Cleveland
Victoria: Well I Googled Cleveland and hammered and this is what came up
(Gesture to bar then grimaces)
Along with some very disturbing pictures of Drew Carey.

Realtor: (to Melanie) Now there just one thing about this place, that I should mention...
(Elka walks into the room)
Elka: Why are you renting to prostitutes?
Realtor: (quickly drops keys in Melanie's hands) This is Elka, she lives in a cottage on the premises. Enjoy!

Melanie: (about Ex-husband) I haven't even been on a date yet, an he's taking his fiance to Paris, and she's so young! She's half my own age!
Victoria: Well darling, that really isn't all that young.
Melanie: My Fake age.
Victoria: (dumbstruck) OH MY GOD SHE'S A CHILD!!!

Melanie: (comforting Joy) Would looking at cheap real estate cheer you up?
Joy: No, but I can't stay here licking my wounds...although (starts licking her arms again)

Joy: I'm sweating chicken grease!(Licks herself apparently savoring the taste)

Joy: Don't you just hate any kid who flies first class?

Joy: Are your chili fries good?
Bartender: Can LeBron James jump?
Joy: Can who do what now?

Joy: Melanie, friends don't let friends move to Cleveland.

Elka: If you can escape from the Nazis you can handle anything.

Elka: Aren't you that girl from that show?
Victoria: Yes, yes, are you a fan?
Elka: No, I'm not. When it was canceled I said good riddance.

Joy: What's the deal with old ladies and tracksuits?
Elka: It's simple. In your 20's you dress for men. In your 40's you dress for success. In your 80's you dress for the bathroom.