House

House: Prep Clarence for surgery. Dr. Foreman: Care to share with the class? House: Oh, come on, do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I'm not sure how you spell it.

House: Wilson's a fool. I'm an idiot.

House: I thought you convicts knew how to drink? You're at least three shots behind me. (takes another shot) Now you're four shots behind. Clarence: You better give me the next one, or I'm gonna kill you. (they both laugh)

Dr. Chase: How does an inmate on death row get his hands on heroin? Dr. Foreman: Are you serious? House: Man knows prisons. When we got a yachting question, we'll come to you.

Dr. Cuddy: What is it, Clarence? Clarence: My gut! Dr. Cuddy: Would you describe it as a shooting pain? A throbbing pain? Or maybe an imaginary pain because you don't want to go back to prison?

Clarence: (about Cameron) That's the finest piece I've seen in ten years. House: I could've hit that. Clarence: And you didn't? House: Eh. Clarence: Then you're the one that should be locked up.

Clarence: Man, are you drunk! House: Yes I am.

Dr. Cameron: (about her husband) I met him just after he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. If I hadn't married him... he was alone. When a good person dies, there should be an impact on the world. Somebody should notice. Somebody should be upset.

Stacy: If you didn't want me working here, why didn't you just say so? House: I don't want you working right here. In my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It's a really big hospital.

House: She's got metastatic squamous cell lung cancer, six months, tops. Dr. Cameron: Have you even looked at the x-ray? House: No, just guessing. It's a new game. If it's wrong, she gets a stuffed bear. Dr. Cameron: A spot on a x-ray doesn't necessarily mean that she's terminal. House: I love children. So filled with hope.

House: Somebody left this (file) on my chair. Clever - forces me to either deal with the file or never sit down again.

Dr. Cuddy: It was just a consult? Did you expect us to shut down an entire floor for this guy? House: Did you do something to your hair? Stacy: You said you cleared it with (Cuddy)... House: Come on. You've known me how long and you still don't know when I'm joshin' ya?

Warden: Your patient shanked one inmate his first month here, broke another one's neck, nearly decapitated one of my guards… House: Relax - I've got a great bedside manner.

Dr. Foreman: Aren't there better ways to spend our time? House: Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a man who cheats on his wife more deserving than a man who kills his wife? Dr. Foreman: Uh… yeah. Actually, he is. House: What about a child molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn't kill anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics, but no MRIs. What about you? What medical care should you be denied for being a car thief? Tell you what: the three of you work out a list of what medical treatments a person loses based on the crime they committed. I'll review it when I get back.

Stacy: I met Mark at a fundraiser that happened to be held at a... House: You met me at a strip club. Stacy: You were the worst two dollars I ever spent.

James: You can't go in there. House: Who are you, and why are you wearing a tie? James: I'm Dr. Cuddy's new assistant. Can I tell her what it's regarding? House: Yes. I would like to know why she gets a secretary and I don't. James: I'm her assistant, not her secretary. I graduated from Rutgers. House: Hmm. I didn't know they had a secretarial school. Well, I hope you took some classes in sexual harassment law. Does the word "ka-ching" mean anything to you? I'm going in now.

Dr. Chase: I don't agree with the death penalty in principle. In practice, however, I'd rather watch a murderer die than really annoy my boss.

Dr. Cuddy: So, what---everyone lies, except convicted murderers?

(about Stacy) House: What? Mommy and Daddy are fighting, doesn't mean we've stopped loving you. Now go out and play--bring Daddy some smokes and an arterial blood gas.

House: Little busy right now. Getting my drink on.

(on death row patient) House: I have to make him all better for the state to kill him. Is it me or does that seem ironic?

House: Fine, Chase it is. Dr. Chase: What possible reason could you have for sending me, other than the fact that you want to make me completely miserable?

House: Figuring requires deductive reason – I'm figuring you're doing no figuring.

House: I know you like (Stacy), but there's a code-–bros before hos, man!

Dr. Wilson: Do you know why people are nice to other people? House: Oh, I know this one! Because people are good, decent and caring. Either that, or people are cowards. If I'm mean to you, you'll be mean to me. Mutually-assured destruction. Dr. Wilson: Exactly.

Dr. Wilson: The man's in a coma! House: He doesn't mind – I asked. Dr. Wilson: You're getting crumbs on him!

Clarence: My gut - it feels like it's getting stabbed! House: Well, he would know.

Dr. Cameron: Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence then white. Dr. Foreman: Doesn't mean we need to get rid of the death penalty – we just need to kill more white people.

Dr. Cameron: I took an oath to do no harm. House: Well, it's not like you signed it or anything.

House: You know how people say you can't live without love. Well, oxygen is even more important.

House: Nolo? I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk. Dr. Cuddy: You're addicted to pain pills. House: But not useless.

Dr. Cuddy: You don't have access to the hospital mainframe. House: No, but "Partypants" does. Dr. Cuddy: You stole my password? House: Hardly counts as stealing. Pretty obvious choice.